When a cat doesn't cut it.

Several weeks ago, I was taken down for a few days by a nasty little flu.
Swine flu or not, I was miserable and never felt so bad in my life.   It struck so quickly that I didn't budge from the couch where I was at for three days and was only awake for a about 10 hours of them (I think) and this is my VERY hazy realization of how a girlfriend would have been handy and some of the REALLY whacked out dreams I had.

Late on Wednesday night, early Thursday morning, I wasn't feeling very well, and I felt the couch was quite comfortable and decided it was a good place for a nap.
Several hours later, I was freezing with a high fever.
Lovely.
Having the sudden urge to go to the bathroom, my head started spinning and a sneezing fit followed and laid back down
Kitty was sitting on the floor wondering why I hadn't fed her.
"You have bowl full of food. No fancy feast for you today."
Her response was the usual silent staring, so I ignored her and rolled over and promptly went back to sleep.
Some time later, I awoke with her on my chest, staring at me, and meowing loudly.

"I'm dying. Leave me alone."
Once again, the urge to to go the bathroom is there and I slowly get up.  I'm dizzy, my stomach is doing flipflops, my throat felt like it was sandblasted, and incredibly thirsty.

As I'm walking like a zombie with a hangover to the bathroom, the cat is meowing at me and runs into the bathroom.for some water (don't ask).
Looking at the food bowl, it was half full.  The "Fancy Feast" bowl was empty.
Whatever. she can live on purina one for now.
Going back to the couch, I collapse and start groaning and generally whine about my condition wishing for the sweet embrace of death.
While the cat and I are staring at each other, I ask her to go get me some nyquil that I forgot in the bathroom.
"Get me the Fancy feast, and I'll consider it."
"Bitch."
"Back atcha!"
I fade out and once again, the pressure on my chest woke me up.
Well that and her claws which are now applying substantial pressure to my bare chest.
"I'm hungry.  I need food," She said.  For emphasis she stuck her claws a bit deeper into my chest.
Fuck. I should have had her declawed years ago.
"No. Do me a favor and slit my throat with those things."
"Why?  You're warm and I'm comfy.  I just need food."
"You have food, dammit."  I fail in my attempt to dislodge her.  Felt like she weighed a ton.
"It's dry food. I want wet food."
"I'm dying. leave me alone."
"You know, if you had a girlfriend, she could take care of you." she said with some genuine concern in her meows.
"You mean, 'feed you'", I countered.
"Well, there is that," she admitted, "but more to the fact so I wouldn't have to listen to you whine."
"I don't whine!"
"You haven't had to sit here and listen to yourself."
I nod off and woke up sometime at 10pm on friday.
Once again, I make my trip to the bathroom as she rounds the corner from the bedroom and proceeds to meow at me in a nagging way.
"What do you want now?"
"I want food."
Looking over at her bowl, there is substantially less food than there was earlier.
"You shouldn't be hungry.  Your bowl still has quite a bit left."
"But I had to eat that garbage since you passed out."
"I'm sorry, I don't feed you garbage."
"That's a matter of opinion. Also, you need to clean out the box."
"I'll clean it later, but I'll refill your bowl a bit," I said, offering a compromise.
"Fancy feast?", she perked up as I entered the kitchen.
"No, Purina one."
"Damn," with very obvious disappointment, "You still need to clean out my box."
"I'll do it after I recover, you can wait a day or two."
"Can I?  Really?"
I never heard a cat sounding ominous before.
"Yeah, I'm sure."
Making my way back to the couch, I pass out once again.

The Coma was interrupted by a phone call early the next morning;
It was my Idiot friend
"You okay? Haven't heard from you. You sound like hell."
I murmur something that I don't remember.  But I'm sure the word "death" was included in the sentence.
"Need me to bring you something?  We are passing by you in a few hours.", I can hear his wife in the background already packing up medication.
"NO!  Don't want you to catch this crap."  Which is true, they have two small children, including an infant. 
Hearing the phone wrestling away from him, the wife's voice comes on;
"Hey, we can leave it on your doorstep if you want.   Where's your girlfriend?"
"Long story, she isn't in the picture."
"Sorry to hear that.  Life would be easier right now if you had one around."
"Thanks. The cat mentioned that too."
"What?  Are you smoking as well?  I didn't think you touched the stuff."
"Long story. Go take care of the kids, and slap your husband for me."
"Okay.  Hope you feel better. BYE!"
Me and IF talk for a minute more before I tell them I need to go die for awhile and pass out once again.
After being awakened by some annoying meowing, I start heading towards the bathroom and spot kitty waiting for me.
Sitting on the edge of the bathtub, she had that smug look that I am always suspicious of, so I peered into the tub.
Kitty poo.
"I told you there would be consequences."
"Fuck off, cat," as I reached to clean up the mess.
"There is more of that later if you want," she said in that menacing little voice of hers.
"No more snacks for you," I told her.
"Feh.  You haven't given me snacks in weeks.  It's an empty threat."
Yes it was.  Damn.
I stomp back towards the couch, my fever at an all time high.
"You DESERVE the swine flu!"
Thinking back at the symptoms from the news, I was in the clear, but I need to make sure, so I power up the laptop and look it up:
Fever. Check. cough. Check. Sore throat. Yep. Runny nose. Check. Headache. Massive. Muscle soreness. Definitely.
" ...about 38% of patients had vomiting or diarrhea." Nope. Totally in the clear.
I power down and start watching what was recorded on my TiVo, get more water, get some leftover pizza, and settle down.  I hadn't eaten in almost 2 days, and was starving.
Kitty teleported to my side.
"Food", was her only statement.
"Go to hell. Let me suffer in peace" and I push her off the couch.
She huffs away.
I'm after a couple of semi dazed hours of TV viewing, I'm in a catatonic (no pun intended) state, staring blankly at my "Playlist".
That's when I realized the other two symptoms showed their ugly heads.
Kitty was there to egg me on.
"You know, if you had a girlfriend, she'd help you with this."
The words "shut up" almost came out of my mouth, but it was rather busy at the time.

"You know, she would have made sure I was fed, changed my litter box, gave me fresh water, and-"
"HELLO! I'm the one that's SICK! I haven't really eaten, drank, or even bathed in three days!"

"You didn't have to point out the last one, that is obvious," she said with more than a little disgust in her tone.
Again, I decided it was best to pass out and ignore my cat.
She does have a point, though.

By the beginning of the fourth day, I was actually able to hold down food and take hour long HOT showers.  It felt great to be (relatively) Human again. 
The recollections of those conversations was just plain surreal, but as I retold the story to friends, and their knowing my cat; they found the whole thing quite believable.

Particularly that I need a girlfriend.