The Blow Up.

Coming back to my house from some much needed pissed off sex, I threw down the rest of my clothes, get undressed and start typing away while it's still fresh.
Its not the kind of sex I usually take in, but apparently it was something we both needed, and to be honest, it was an improvement from our first meeting and satisfying.
After typing everything up, I was about to hit "publish" when the mystery ID came up.
With great trepidation I forced my fingers to act:

"Who are you?"
"Andi, Silly." Oh shit!
"Hi."  Thrilled. can't you tell I'm thrilled? Look! I'm thrilled!
"Merry Christmas" she cheerfully typed.
"Yeah. Merry Christmas." was all I could manage.
"Let me call you in a few, I'm just leaving a bar."
"Okay. whatever."
I published my blog entry before I could get distracted. I had a feeling this was going to be hairy.
The phone rang and I looked at it like it was a snake.
we talked fora few minutes.
Or rather,she talked.   About her life.Her school, her new boyfriend.
Just like old times.  Never could get a word in edgewise.
She eventually got around to asking about me and my life.
I don't know what triggered it, but my first words were:
"How can you talk to me so nonchalantly after you crushed me?"
Dead silence.
"Do you realize how pissed off at you I was?"
Silence.
"Was it perhaps that I never attempted to call you after our last date gave you a clue?"
"I-I...I know.   I'm sorry.  I feel terrible about it.  It was a bad decision."
"NO!  It's BEYOND poor decision."
I tore at her for a good hour.
Every time she tried to make an excuse, I tore into her again.
A year of frustration came in torrents.
"I don't know what to say but 'Sorry!'"
"Well, nice to know our time together meant nothing."
She was on the verge of tears.
"When I arrived on the plane, I was ready to commit myself to for life.  2 hours later it was crushed."
"I regretted that.  I've played it over in my mind quite a bit."
"Nice of you to call up and tell me about that regret after you were thinking about it."
Silence.
"You can either salvage or throw it away.  Call me on which you decide.  I don't have your number.  I'm deleting your ID, I got nothing from you. it's in your court."
What the hell did I just say???
What? What did I just say??
Aw Fuck!
"okay...I do regret it."
"Well, call when you mean it."
*CLICK!*

Yay. Merry Christmas.

How'd I get here?

I have been reading blogs off and on for several years, before they got big on the news.
A friend of mine asked why *I* didn't start a blog and my response to him was that no one would believe the crap I would write, much less understand it.
I didn't think I'm much of a writer, and looking back at some of the drivel I have written, I was right!
Eventually I did start a blog about my hobby, and I was fairly content.  But I had let it wallow for quite some time as I took a break to concentrate on life.
But the call for wild sex compelled me to start again and my friends were glad to see me "back at it".
My personal wake up call was when at, part after party, I would leave at the end of the evening alone.

Since then, I've met a number of women, who are going to get their own posts, just so I can keep track of it.   Not entirely sure how if I should have one for each blog, or put them in a single post and on which blog.

Ugh. Can't ANYTHING be straightforward?

You were WHAT??

The day was miserable. 
It was cloudy, cold, and dark.  My mood made it a matching set.
Thinking last night and that KM are taking the next step and having resolved some issues was the only thing keeping my foul mood from turning to outright depression..   After going out for the day, I'd thought I send her a quick text:

"I had fun last night, I'll be thinking about it for a long time."
Several hours pass and I think nothing of it, figured she was at work and we had a tenative date scheduled for that night.
Then I remembered she had the night off.
Whatever. I figure she's busy and eventually the following texts come through, verbitem:
"Hey. I had a good time, too, but that girl that was with you last night was not me.  I just can't do it. Well, I can, but I have to be drunk and don't want to live that way."
WTF?  I pull over to a parking lot as quickly as I could.
"I was wondering about that.  What part of it was you?"
"The kissing, love giving head, sex."
well, that is clear as a bell, isn't it?
"I def. Enjoyed that part.  I've seen you drunk and sober, but I figured you were just tipsy.  Which parts weren't you?"
"I'm sure you know."
ARGH!  I barely keep my temper in check.  This was the only bright spot in my day and its being taken away.
"Look, we both promised to just be honest with each other so there are no misunderstandings.  I don't take hints very well."
It's true.  It's a miracle I'm still not a virgin.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to upset you."
"You're not upsetting me, I just want to know.  I need you to be straight forward about things."
"I'm trying."
"Then you're going to have to elaborate."


I wait for 10 minutes for an answer that never came and the rest of the evening was spent under a literal and figurative dark cloud in the city. 

Waking up the next morning, she was my first thought and I sent another txt that took me 15 minutes to compose:


"Look. I am really into you and I want to see where this goes, but you have to see me halfway to work on this.  I know you're busy and have a busy life, but the little time we have, we have to be able to be upfront with each other.  If you can't do that then we're doomed from the start."

I stared at my phone for several minutes.
Was this right?  Was it too aggressive? Why am I doubting myself?
Screw it.
I hit the send button and waited for a reply.
That was 3 hours ago.  Nothing. 
Maybe I won't be curtailing my CL dating anytime soon.

ARGH!  Dating is NOT supposed to be this hard! 

Busy in the Heights

KM called me after another encounter I had nearby, unfortunately, it involved a long drive from my home to back to where I had been just 30 minutes earlier!
We met outside and sat in my car while her roomies were getting ready for bed.
After a few hours of spending some time with her, we both decided we'd probably be a very good fit for each other.  After discussing some fantasies and our mutual compatibilities, it seems like we might be seeing each other more often, and I might curtail my CL "Dating" until things are decided one way or another.
All I have to say is, WOW!

You can read the action here.

The Funk and the Fuck....

Having thought about my last post for a few hours, I was thinking of deleting it and dismissing it as my having a childish outburst, but before I hit the delete button and realized that it was something real I was feeling that brought me to this moment.
While it isn't rational and it WAS a bit childish, it was something that I was feeling, good or bad. I felt particularly so after reading Aurore's post that affected her. While THIS blog is totally different from hers, the fact is that life isn't always edited to show perfection. It's ugly, raw, and hurtful, but like OEN's Blog, there can be a mixture of Silliness, irony, and mayhem if you just look for it.

To be honest, after the last post, I went on a bit of a funk and gave myself the day off to gather my thoughts and see what I want to do.

As usual, odd things have an odd sense of timing. My phone rang and it was Stormcloud, who is an ex girlfriend that I remained friends with. She always seemed to have the worst luck in the world financially, jobs, and life in general. I kept our friendship because I seemed like I was the only consistent thing in her life. Usually she only called me when she needed a shoulder to cry on. This time however, she wanted my company in a physical sense.
When I got there a couple of hours later, we chatted like we always did. Without any preliminaries, we simply walked into the bedroom and started getting dressed.
While I don't consider that we Made Love, I think we simply needed each other and we were good with that.

No, I won't get into the nitty gritty about that, this is NOT that kind of blog.
After sex, we laid next to each other watching TV while she dozed.
Unfortunately, I had to leave since she was on a different sleeping schedule than I was.
She understood this and walked me to the door.
Having kissed me goodbye, she closed the door and locked it as I headed towards my car in this small suburban town.
It was a long drive home, but I felt much better compared to a few hours ago.

KS is no more, KM continues, and another old flame....

Well, I haven't heard from KS since the night of the party.  I did some initial texting, but I just gave up.  If you can't even answer a simple text, there is no point in pursuing it anymore.. Seems like I'm too "Skeezy" for her after all.
Pity.  We could have had quite a bit of fun together.

KM has been texting me a bit more and has been apologetic and grateful that I'm "waiting" for her while she puts her priority on her work to get re-established in her career. 
Don't really think I'm "waiting" for her, but I'm keeping my options open until she has "time" to date.  I know we both have insane schedules, but I wouldn't mind seeing her once a week or so and have a dinner and movie date.
I'll be there for her once she has time to date if I'm still available, but I'm not waiting.  In the meantime, I'm wishing her luck in her goals, particularly if I'm one of them.

Meanwhile earlier a couple of weeks ago, I reach over to my phone and realize I got a text from a girl ("Andi") whom I really liked, but in the midst of a date, she decided she only liked me as a "friend."   Considering she was in another city, I cut of all ties.  There wasn't any point in my spending tons of time on a person who is only going to be a "friend" when I want so much more.   So after I boarded the plane, I didn't text, didn't call. Nothing.
I worked hard for this "relationship" and if she was serious, she needed to contact me.
Nothing in almost a full year.
After a few minutes, I received a call and she wanted to know if I came through the hurricane alright.  I appreciated that I was still in her thought and I was cordial, but it took all my emotional strength to keep from asking "Why didn't you call?  Did I mean so little to you?  From 4 hour phone calls to NOTHING in a day?!?"
I wanted to ask so may questions, but the distance and time past was too great.
Once again, my heart was breaking the longer I talked to her.
Eventually she stopped answering my calls and texts.
Fuck you.
I was close to falling in love and looked forward to a life together.
We were compatible in almost every way.
No.  Fuck you!

Once again, I deleted her number from my phone log, text messages, and any evidence in my life of her.

Last Wednesday, I got a approval request on one of my IM's and accepted it assuming it was someone I was expecting.
Suddenly a few days later I realize that perhaps it MIGHT be her. the profile gave me no information and to my horror I saw it sign in.  But the name was just enough that it gave clues that it was her.
FUCK!
Why can't they just LEAVE??

In walks in KS....for awhile

Since KM and I aren't exactly a sure thing, I decide to put out a whimsical post to see what happens.  I was so proud of myself, I posted it on here.
I know, I need a life.
I run out the door on a fairly tight schedule of running around in a town like mad because a "snowstorm" hit my city.
Sometime during the day, I hear my phone buzz and I got a reply on that silly post.  What was great is that it was also in a (bad) poetic form.
She listed her fetishes as well as what she wanted to experience.  I replied in kind and managed to rhyme out not only the hotel info and basic location but also my number.
Yet, I can barely put together a proper paragraph together.
Whatever.
I go about my day and eventually she calls me at about 6:30 and after a few minutes, we agree to meet at a Starbucks at about 7:30 that was relatively close to the both of us.
I go in early, mostly because I was cold, but to scrounge a table to us, when the time approached, I saw a cute, slightly overweight blonde walking in.
Knowing it was her, I smiled.
She looked at me, smiled and looked away.
O.K.
Figuring that she was going to just get a cup of  coffee, I proceed to finish reading my emails.
Suddenly my phone went off.
It was her!   I look over to where she was seated and picked up the phone.
"Umm....I'm RIGHT HERE!"
She strode over to where I was and proceeded to chitchat.  We talked about many things, her fascination with craigslist (she's only been doing it for 2 weeks) and some of the whack jobs she's met.
I related some of my stories and we got a good laugh.
After steering the conversations on what she wanted to experience, I casually mentioned my hobby.   She was fascinated by it, particularly the party that was scheduled.  After I convinced her that I wasn't a psychopath, she readily agreed to come. 
The starbucks was closing (at 8:30pm?!?), so we had to beat a hasty retreat. I didn't want to end the convo, but I had things to do and sitting outside in the cold with her shivering would be bad form.

New Hope?

As I was suggested upon, I called up GD to basically bid her Good Bye.  She was disappointed, but given obstacles placed before we could even date, she was fairly cool with it and promptly hung up on me.
I do wish her the best.
While I was in a goodbye mood, I sent the following TXT to KM:
"Well, I guess this is goodbye.  Haven't heard from you and I figure you have no interest.  Take heart that I already deleted your number and I'll delete this msg."
I had just deleted her string of messages when my phone buzzed with a reply a minute later.
"I have been in the hospital. I am sorry that I did not call. Bad car accident."
WTF?
As you can imagine, I was elated, concerned, and a little peeved.
Turns out she was in a car accident and had recently gotten out of the hospital and her phone was destroyed by the impact.  In short, she was waiting for her phone bill to get my number.
For some reason our entire correspondence was by text message, something told me that we should stick to this as it might be the best way to avoid any confusion.  This continued for several hours.
One of the first things she asked is what are my intentions, I told her I want in all the way as far as she wants.
She was worried that, since our conversations were shifting towards sex and some things connected to it. I didn't mention my hobbies, but I alluded to those parties.  She is still very open to it, but wasn't sure yet.  I'll take that.
She promised she would make a better effort to contact me.  And she planned to make it up to me in the future when she fully recovers.
I'm SO thrilled and I'm glad that we were able to resolve quite a few things.

Good bye GD!

I gave GD a call the other day like I said I would.

Tell you one thing, she does seem like a very nice person, but unfortunately, we got to meet while her life is in turmoil. 
She talks about having a weekend to move, needing an electrician and such and is moving to Magnolia! For those that aren't familiar with the distances in Texas or Houston in particular.  We are BIG.   I think nothing of driving 15 minutes to get something to eat.  My closest friend is 20 minutes away!  Distances are not that big of a deal here.  But we're talking 44 miles!  Don't believe me? HERE!

We talked for about 30 minutes until I had to had to interrupt conversation and told her I had to go.   I called her back to apologize and told her I would call her the next day.

I don't think that's going to happen.  I feel like a heel, but I think it would probably be better that way.

Sorry, I did that kind of commute for someone years ago and seems like she had too much going on.  I'm not doing it again, particularly with someone whom I'm not certain with to begin with.  

BYE GD!

How do they find me??

The psychic (GD) sent me an email today.
As soon as I saw it I had a feeling of total dread.
She apologized for not writing, but she STILL had no electricity in her home(!). That it would be much easier to talk to her on the phone.

Okay. IKE was...what? Back in Oct?
I read the rest of the letter and my heart sinks further.

"By the way, I don't suppose you know an electrician who would do a favor for a poor little "crazy new age minister?"
WTF?

I dealt with a cold fish last night, now I'm supposed to be dealing with a poor psychic girl?
I'll give her a call tonight and see how that is going to go. I am NOT sleeping with this one.
No.
I mean it this time.

The Quest continues...Flakes and Frustrations

I know I have been neglectful of this page, but I've had little time to devote to it.

After my last Post, KM called and apologized profusely. She had some sort of breakdown from a previous relationship that she apparently isn't over yet.
We had a long discussion about it and I was cool about just taking it slow and her to contact with me. She was also in the middle of a job hunt at the time and things went along well. We never had a chance to have another date, but we talked on the phone a bit.
Then things went silent. She was stolen by another job and trying to make it work and haven't heard from her since. There were no replies for the past couple of weeks.
It's a pity, I was getting to be rather fond of her, but I guess it wasn't meant to be.

GD was interesting for about....3 emails. I was thinking of actually giving her a call when I realized a week or so has passed without a reply to my email. Well, I don't think our emails were particularly amazing, and perhaps I WAS a bit prejudiced against what she did, but I didn't see it as a great loss.
Annoying, but whatever. BYE!

I saw an ad on CL that caught my eye and I REALLY wanted a response from (VIC). I spent a total of about 5 hours throughout the day writing, rewriting, condensing, expanding, etc.

Yes. 5 hours. We came from the same basic background and said quite a few things that touched me. Thank god for my G1 Phone where I can readily edit and save my drafts. After all that I was about to hit "send" when I realized I didn't include a picture.
I'm not a picture person. My photos always suck. The latest that I had was of me in New York a few months ago (the previous picture being a VERY unflattering 9 months ago) and sent it on its way.

I got a "WOW!" and it was a lengthy response. Good sign. I got excited as she raved over my letter, but one sentence buried in the 2nd paragraph stopped me cold: "...I was impressed what you wrote not liking the pic but whatever."
Now I think I'm totally over thinking this. Did she LIKE the fact I was hating my own pic, or was she mentioning that she didn't like the pic? I haven't responded yet (planning on monday), to think this over. Besides, I can play it off as a busy weekend (true).

Vowing not to just put all my eggs in one basket, I put out another ad in case this totally collapses. I put an ad that I would hope catch a woman with my basic sexual tastes.
Almost immediately, I got a nibble. we started off great, she was a very attracted girl, but seems like the feeling wasn't mutual.

Does anyone find it extremely ironic that I can easily pick up people and talk them into an orgy, but I have problems just getting one to join me for a simple dinner?

I've said it before, but Dating sucks.

A couple of little nibbles....

Well, I sent out a bold post on CL on my quest of trying to find some permanent happiness (or depression, depending on how you look at it.) and got a couple of responses. One was a girl named "V" which seems interesting, but hasn't answered my response back to her, so I have a feeling I can write her off.

The Other is "GD". Seems to be some sort of spiritual guru or something, what particularly caught my attention is that she sent her number along with the email. Her initial email was a good light banter that seemed quite....refreshing. I did respond that I would rather write for awhile before I would call, but thanked her for offering.

My only concern is this spiritual/psychic stuff that she is part of. Is not that I disbelieve or have a prejudice against it. It's just the fact that I've dated people along with those beliefs and they are highly flaky. The GOOD part of it is that they're VERY kinky.

"KM" hasn't called or Texted in a number of days, so I'm going to assume I'm off her radar. I am going to send one more text to see how she is and ask if I should consider this a kissoff, to be sure.

We men are bad at figuring out what women think/intend.

It all just leads back to how stupid men are.

A Cool down and an old flame from the past...

This has been an interesting week.

First KM texts me that she isn't quite over her last lover ("Soul mate" whatever) and put our dating on hold until she can get her crying under control.
But this leaves me wondering if her Soulmate and Her husband (whom she divorced) are one in the same, or if she divorced her husband BECAUSE of him. It wasn't quite my business to push the subject since I didn't really know her, so I just left it up to her.
Since that day, she has been texting me thanking me for understanding....

Of course, in the meanwhile, I am still looking for someone to be serious with and made a few tentative steps along the way.

NOW, I mean, 30 minutes ago; I get a phone call from "Stella" a girl whom I met and dated for awhile several years ago. Had a terrific sex life, but things always seemed to work out against us. Mostly it was her poor lack of judgment on decisions that kept us apart, even to the point of postponing our engagement for what I thought were idiotic reasons.
Anyway....
I get this call from with her slurring almost every word, telling me how much she missed me. How she never got over me. She continues to tell me about the trials of her Daughter and her own health issues (I knew about them when I proposed).
It's not that I don't care about her, I still do, but how can one be certain we would be the same people that we were 4 years ago? One thing that I had learned in life is that after awhile, people grow, and what you thought at one time would be different another.
So we continue to talk and how I wished she had moved to Houston when I asked her to (She lives in Another state) to get the proper medical care.
She was crying even harder as I hesitated in my response to "Can I join you now?"
Talk about my heart being torn apart. It was all I can do to keep myself from saying, "let me take care of you again."
I wanted to. I wanted her here in my arms to make all her bogeymen go away. To make the decisions to make her life more bearable and to save her from her crappy family her horrible choice of friends. It was the the thing I wanted to do the most.

Knowing this wasn't the time to talk this over, but she was reminding me of the great sex, the adventures we had.

"It's too late", I told her. Those words took pieces of my heart with it.
The response of silence was making it worse.
She apologized, for her bad decisions, she apologized for all the trouble she had caused.
Again, she was killing me.

Damnit, why after 4 years!
What made it worse is that I didn't really have anything that was serious, I could have easily taken her in.

But would that have been fair for us? Particularly if things just didn't work out? What if her health takes a more serious turn to the point where I might as well be by myself again.

I gave myself a breather by doing something chickenshit; I told her I'll call her back in the afternoon.

It sucks. It really does suck. Will I actually call?
 

God, this sucks.

EDIT 5/7/09:  Never called and she never called back.

Sorting through and being sorted

After an initial flurry of responses to (what I thought were) original posts on CL, I was a writing maniac.
Some consider me a maniac in general, but that's another story.
As the conversations went on with several people, I started to get turned off by a few, and I was obviously "weeded out" by the ladies on the other end.
Unlike some guys that I hear about, I don't take it personally. It's really hard to know someone over email, and if the initial vibe isn't there, then so be it.
One in general stood out that I shall call "KM". I'm unoriginal like that. The writing went back and forth and developed a good rapport to the point we traded numbers.
We eventually came to the discussion of the end of her marriage. An inquiry of how long she had been divorced gave me a disheartening answer; a year.
Oh damn.
I figured I'd give it a shot anyway and see where it goes. Different people handle major life changing episodes in their lives differently.
I eventually met up with KM at a favorite restaurant I go to fairly frequently.
(Note to self: Pick another restaurant for meetings like this, the owners were giving me funny looks)
As I turned the corner and entered the bar, I was greeted by a charming and very good looking woman that was aging very well.

The waitress came by with our orders, and we both idly chatted while we ate and drank a bit. The conversation eventually went to sex (as we had previously discussed) and laid out a number of fetishes she had. For those one or two people reading this blog, it was public sex, other women, and was very open at multiple men.
WHY people tell me these things on the first meeting amazes me, but I treat it in my typical way. I treated the conversation like one would discuss the menu of an eating establishment.

Sorry. It's a poor metaphor, but it was all I had to work with.

I knew closing time was coming soon, and I asked if we could walk to a nearby bar. Having readily agreed, I paid the check and beat our way out of there holding hands.
Along the way we had to go past a bush, I looked in her direction and our immediately surroundings and gave her a casual kiss.
Fortunately for me, she seemed to enjoy it.
We continued to steal kisses behind some columns of the center we were at.
Having entered the place, we both ordered a beer, snuggled, put our heads together, and continued talking about work, family, kids, and of course, sex. She showed interested in some of some of my hobbies, which brings me to my problem of the OTHER blog, but I'll have to think that through later...

Our waitress had long dismissed us as we had said we only wanted a beer and quite frankly, was glad for the lack of attention. What surprised me when the owner came up, inquired if my last name was "Smith" and I responded in the affirmative.
He shook my hand and said my money was no good there and with one swift motion, snatched the bill for our beers and told the waitress to get anything that I wanted.
Fortunately (or Un, depending on how one looks at it I kinda' wished I stopped there first instead!), we just had our one beer each. I kindly thanked the gentleman for his generosity and took off towards our cars.
We both said this was promising promising first date and left it at that.

ANOTHER single blog? Please

Yeah, its a singles blog. We'll see how long that lasts.

I know it's a bit contradictory to my other blog's sexual thing, but everyone needs a companion.
Over the past several months, I've been going on some horrific dates. They all like me, I just don't see them matching what I am and my "hobby."

But I had plenty of material to share. Some of the women are bizarre and the dates were some were just plain scary.


Like with my other blog, no names will be used and I will be speaking in generalities so as to not "contaminate" each other and my dating pool.

Now if you're wondering about that, quite simply, women that I date won't know about this blog. Some of them might be bright enough to see that I have ANOTHER blog and that would be an "oops." This could suck, particularly if I am actually interested in a lady.

Simply don't want to scare them off THAT easily.

The single ladies that I meet won't really "see" that side of me, and believe it or not, I plan on being quite chaste with them, until I see where they stand on such sexual matters.

Yes, I believe in total chemistry, feelings, blah, blah, blah, but I also want to be able for her to either be accepting or into some of the things I'm into. But also, if I'm into the person enough, I might change my lifestyle altogether.

It's a weird post, I know, but I'm a weird person.