Rebirth of a blog

This blog, I think will take a bit of a new turn, while it seems that I'm in a relationship that continues to grow, this blog, like people, has to grow as well.
I will start including more of family/relationship and as well the children. As usual, I will take great pains to disguise details as much as possible so people won't put two and two together. 

Will I be deleting the previous posts?
No.  The posts are about who I was at the time, and this will show a chronological sense of my journey from someone single, to someone that isn't.

Will this alter my other blog?
Hardly, but it will change a bit.  FF's role will increase on there and will participate, or even arrange the parties and perhaps even talk about some of her CL adventures on here.

Will FF know about the blogs?
No.  Period.  If anything, I will have to find a creative way to hide this blog from my histories once the inevitable merging occurs.

Will sex be mentioned on here?
As it was previously, no.   But the various topics ABOUT sex and what couples go through will be talked about.

What else will be mentioned on here?
For starters, my relationship with FF her friends and family, as well as my own.  
Expect a bit more drama as well, particularly between me, her kids and my own child as we all go through a transition of sorts.  While mine is away in college, she is feeling a bit of a need to extend her own independence at the expense of any feelings I may have on the various topics.

Concerns and Questions...

Been meaning to put these thoughts down for at least a few weeks, but as is typical for me, only an illness that has kept me home provided me the time to be able to allow myself some quiet time to collect my thoughts.

Things have been progressing quite well with FF and I,  however, a few minor things keep creeping up in the back of my mind that just nibble at me:

One thing is our conversations.  They're a bit too simplistic and quite...pedestrian.  All we seem to talk about are our jobs, sex, and kids.   Not that there is anything wrong with either topic, but I like to know her thoughts on current events, political leanings, thoughts for the future.  Additionally, she occasionally gives me a blank stare when I use a word that she hasn't heard before. "Contention" is one of the words that come to mind.  
Now, not to say I'm a brainiac by any stretch of any acid tripper's imagination, but that really throws me.

Another thing, is that as she struggles through her college reading materials, she says she constantly needs to bring out a thesaurus to help her understand.

Wow.

When we talk about what happens after college, she mentions that not only will she stay in the industry she's in (which is low paying to begin with), but will try to maintain her position since she enjoys it so much.

Really?

That seems unnatural for me.   The point of college (or any profession, really), is the ability to climb the ladder of the economic food chain and get more responsibility and get paid for your knowledge and experience.

This kinda' spooks me a bit.
While she is getting a VERY generous child and spousal support from her Ex; there is always a possibility that things can, and will, change.   I wonder if her basically being a housewife for the past 15+ years and being financially dependent on her husband has skewed her view on how she has to concentrate on being a bread winner.

Not that her future wage potential alarms me, but rather the indifference she has towards climbing up the ladder. 

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm feeling a bit woozy and when kitty sounds like she's uttering sentences, that's my Que that I need to lay back down.

When Insecurities interfere....

I think it's time for a bit of an update:

FF and I have been dating semi-regularly,  but only once a week or so.  My work and her obligations make our dating life a bit sedate of sorts, but we do manage to get in some smooching sessions going on, though.

There has been a pattern over the past month that has gotten to me.   I know this is way to early for us to stress out about, but she seems to be torn as to where to live.   I love the city and all the opportunities that can be found here.  She seems to be mired into living in one of the outlying southern communities.

While I understand the logic behind what she wants, she seems overly concerned at this stage of our relationship.  So much so, that we had "broken up" right after New Years.

The "Break up" consisted of her dating other guys.  Something I had suggested to her awhile ago. 

Her insecurity about me is starting to get to the point of annoyance everytime she brings it up.  
After our last meeting, she texted me the following...out of the blue:

"I don't want to lose you."
"Want me to attach a GPS on my ankle??"
"No. I'm afraid to lose you if you find someone better, but I'm not sure I'm  ready to let you go if you do."

I roll my eyes, almost causing me to have an accident on an empty freeway.

Tossing my phone over my shoulder into the backseat, I continue driving home...

Twit Twittering about...and about twittering twit.

In case a few humble readers have notice, I put a twittering widget on the site.  
Over the past few months, I've been so busy I haven't had a chance to blog about the things that have happened (and am working on 3 different posts from December!), so I'd thought I'd cave into the popularity of it and do a little micro-blogging.

At least in this way, you can see what goes on and what might trigger a post.

Additionally, my kiddo has had some interesting insight on some of my dating exploits (the women, not the sex.) so I might include some of our more interesting conversations in.

And for those wondering, I'm down to 110 posts on my google reader.
I'm off to work in this god for saken cold weather.

A moment of panic.

In the middle of working, I got the following:

"Baby...as a reward for finishing classes. Want to take kids and I to the movies Saturday afternoon?"

The second sentence hit me like a thunderbolt.
Isn't this a BIT soon?  She IS freshly divorced.

I mean, she has that fresh divorce smell, a hubby that is hyper-sensitive (even though he initiated it).

10 minutes later, I pick up the phone and we discuss this.
I lost.
Of course, I didn't try that hard to win.
It has begun.
With a whimper a new stage of the relationship has started.


In my gut I still feel its WAAAAY too early to be introduced as "The Boyfriend" to her kids, but I can't think of a proper time to do it.

Aw fuck.

Incidentals, updates, emails, etc...

I've been far too busy to put up regular posts on things, so this is a heavily abridged version.

-Updates:

FF and I have been getting along just fine, met up a few times here and there, but our conflicting schedules will make it almost impossible for us to meet for the  next couple of weeks.
Theoretically.  It might be sooner.

One of the things she mentioned was that she was still going on "dating interviews" with other guys.
She complained how some were running the spectrum of the reasons as why she was rejecting them.
When she got down to "He was too 'Hand-sy'" I had to simply pull over and laugh.

"Really?"
"Yes, he was too forward."
"Compared to OUR first meeting??"
She allowed that we WERE a BIT comfortable with each other and droned on for a bit about it.
I just let it pass.

She asked if I was okay with it, and I totally played it cool.  Last thing I need is ANOTHER instance of a woman backing off because she wasn't ready.


Within the past couple of days, she's been particularly moody, she snapped out of one of her bouts to confide that the decree has been written up and that the divorce should be final within a week or so.
After telling me this, she breaks down over the phone and just hates it and wonders why he's being an ass about some issues.
I calm her down a bit and told her I understood, but that the road doesn't end there, when it comes to divorce with kids, it'll extend out for years.

She didn't like that response, but I thought it would be best not to mince words on the truth:  Divorce is ugly.
Calming down after a bit, she wanted to continue the convo on text because she didn't feel like she can hold it together.

"I'm sorry, I'm acting this way, it's my first divorce."
Yeah. It sucks.

Comments/Emails:

Quite a few people have asked why don't we just "get a room" and it's quite simple, because of her situation, she needs to be able to get home fairly quickly, so with the exception of a date a bit ago we stick to necking in cars.

Plus if feels dirty that way...dirty is fun.

There is also a need for her to be fairly close to home, the unique nature of the custody of the kids, doesn't allow me to tell any specifics about it.  Basically, she needs to be able to get home in a fairly short amount of time on short notice.

Working hard, looking for a goal, with visions in my head

Pardon me for the weird(er) shit that I'm typing out than usual.

I've been working solid since my personal Madoff, I gotta raise money for my kids college tuition and my trip to a little party I have planned, plus some other plans I have in mind.

Usually there is a sound track of what is going on in my mind and lately some young angry Billy Joel comes up:




But lately, I had a few lucky breaks and an epiphany that I simply need to let things happen and that my overall long term goals aren't as far as I had initially imagined.  What really helped was listening to this song that I "discovered" on the radio.



I think I'm going to follow that path next year and maybe a month vacation and bum around on a beach and support the local beer/vodka/Scotch industry, I work too damned much.

Empty streets....

I've had a rough couple of weeks on different levels from major to minor.   Of course, there is that little matter of FF and I.  We need to resolve some issues on our next date.  So, having a need to simply take a chance to relax and let myself decompress.

One of the great things about my job is that I simply stop what I'm doing, leave and take a bit to compose myself if I'm having a rough day (night, whatever).

Going into downtown, I pull over and take a walk for a few blocks.  I always try to have a camera with me, so I'd thought sharing what I see at night would be an interesting to see how see the world.

While I'm in a heavily populated city, it empties out after most businesses and bars close and the night shift is well underway.

This is what it's like in the middle of the night while most everyone is deep in slumber. 
I always recommend to people that they need to visit their own city late at night.   After walking a few blocks, the local security guards, occasional cop, and garbage worker and I exchange nods.   People always associate walking around downtown after dark is tantamount to asking to be mugged or worse.  Generally speaking, in this town, downtown is about as safe as walking around your own suburban neighborhood.  The thing is, to me the empty streets are simply another form of beauty.

Either way, it was a walk well needed.
You guys should try it sometime.

As you can see, it really looks different.
Enjoy the pictures.

"There but by the grace of God go I"

The well known utterance by John Bradford, who actually said; ""There but for the grace of God, goes John Bradford."
Anyway.
There has been a number of fellow bloggers who appear that their worlds have been shaken by some personal calamity of some nature, whether its financial, emotional, or marital.  Being keenly aware of what seems to be a chain of drama, I was wondering when it was going to hit someone I knew.
Little did I realize how true my prediction would be, but I didn't think it was going to be ME!
I'm continuously aware of how one's fortune is incredibly tenuous at times. More-so than most people actually believe, really.  It's not merely those that are very poor that can go down a slide, but those of the super rich as well.
Madoff and Stanford are those that decided that the wealthy need a blow to their egos and get ripped off.  The ones that have been on the news after such issues just seem to be in a major state of shock when they find themselves, quite literally penniless overnight.

Whenever I see someone who is less fortunate or going through some trial in life, I always say a small prayer giving thanks, that I am not in their position and strive hard to not to be in the same situation.

Without getting into too much details, I can say I had my own Madoff, but on a VERY smaller scale.
Basically, most of my liquid assets were totally wiped out.
Not to say I'm broke, I still have other savings, but some things need to be pushed back a bit.  Needless to say I was more than a little peeved about the whole thing.
After talking to Starfish, Football Fan, and some other friends about it (and in slightly greater detail) they were amazed on how calm I was.
I wasn't screaming, crying, throwing tantrums, or cursing.
Well, maybe I was cursing a little.
To me, it just simply seemed like a waste of energy and I needed to take stock and form a plan of action.
I took a day off to recover and drown my sorrows in pasta, eventually coming to the realization that I am going to survive, that I can recover from this, that nothing has changed.
I mean, aside from being a little lighter in the pockets and my waistline took a massive hit, there was little or no damage.

My only major concern was some immediate expenses that needed to be looked after and a trip that I am planning.*  

Well, maybe one more concern.

After I hung up the phone in a slight case of depression and a prolonged Texting convo with FF, I asked her the following:

"So does this change things?"
"What does?" she eventually responded.
"My being broke."  She doesn't know the extent of my finances, not that they are THAT extensive.
"Why do you say that?"
"Well, you seemed fairly concerned about it and asked. Remember?" I wondered if she genuinely forgot.
"Did I sound that shallow to you when I asked that question? Really am sorry if I did.  I don't care, I like you for who you are."
"Thanks."
"We will just have cheap dates for a bit.  Maybe more smooching and fewer movies."

That set my mind at ease, she went on to apologize again for a bit longer and eventually told her that I wanted to be alone and sulk.

My time of my pity party is over, though. 
Time to pick myself up and move on and get to work.
Still, it was a perfectly good waste of an excuse to get totally wasted on Vodka, but I can't afford it right now.  I'll make an appointment to be depressed around April, I should be able to afford another good bender by then.



*Yes. I'm still throwing that party, but it's now an act of defiance.  I'll stick to that story.

Texting promises, concerns, AND a prank...

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The Evil That Men Do

On a serious note, I'd like to comment on the LA Fitness shooting that occurred fairly recently*.  While the act is despicable, there is a certain amount of sorrow behind the act.  I waited this long to post in case there were further developments.

Yes, we can mock his inability to get into a relationship or have sex for an extended amount of time, the frustration that this man had is fairly common in both sexes.

This can be very contradictory coming from me, but this blog shows how dating can be a frustrating, humiliating, and tiring experience.  It involves exposing yourself and your vulnerabilities as well as HOPING that the object of your desire weighs the pro's and cons and finds you "acceptable" to date.

It also requires a large amount of people skills including empathy, patience, and proper social skills.  It involves of two people finding some common ground on a variety of levels. 
While you may think it's rather cool to be a railroad fan and take vacations for that hobby***, your potential mate might think you're insane stop dating you while she goes to her "Sex and the City" self-help books."

Those that get frustrated in their inability to get dates/relationships have a real high probability of getting into a state of depression, or have an issue that might prevent them from having a real relationship.

From my experience and anecdotal information from friends, these comes from people with OCD,** low self esteem, egotistical, lack of compassion/empathy.
For those that have date after date that has ended in failure, I'm sure that it affects people in a way that they don't realize.   A certain amount of depression will set in.  A sense of hopelessness, sadness, apathy, and maybe even sense that some sort of revenge is in order as they blame others for their lack of success in dating.

Basically, what I'm getting down to is that if this sounds like you, then perhaps you need to find help, either from friends or a professional.  While it is TOTALLY fun to read these blogs, I encourage you to find a way for you to be able to join us with the fun (and frustrations) of dating/relationships.




*I'm not going to mention the gunman's name, because as far as I'm concerned, I refuse to give him any more notoriety than he deserves. If you don't know what I'm talking about, here is a LINK.
** I have a slight case of OCD, and I have dated people with OCD, but sometimes the type or severity might be too much for some people to handle.
*** To be clear. I'm NOT a railroad fanatic.  Just thought I'd use this "geek" without resorting to the typical "Trekkers/Trekkies", Computer nerds (see previous), and Motorheads.

No Dating in The dark....

Yeah, I was super busy yesterday and didn't come in until late.
Even though I watched the episode (poor leo and Malik!), I don't think I can do a proper post about it.

Next week I will MAKE time!  It looks pretty damned good!

Additionally, I had to take my AD from CL from one section to another because I got exactly ONE response.

ONE!

Go fig!

Dating in The Dark: Week 4

I was a little drunk when I watched this episode and forgot to post it, so bear with me on the shortened, slightly edited version of this week's post.


In short, I believe all of the guys Jeff, Amit, and Cormac, seemed like genuinely nice guys.  I don't get the issue, yet the girls all made fun of Amit's and Cormac's place for being so neat.

Kelly, Misty, and Shannon, all seemed like great girls as well, so I was surprised how the show went along.

Amit and Misty had awesome chemistry and seemed to get along quite well, but in the end, didn't wind up with him because she had issues with his height.  The Reveal showed a visible reaction from her, but I didn't get that it was the height that she was cringing on.
I really don't get that. 

Jeff and Shannon also had a wonderful connection, they seemed to go well together.  It seems like his aggression in wanting the kiss totally blew his chances and was a deal breaker for her.

Carmac and Kelly were also a great match in the dark room, but when the final reveal, she almost cringed.   I mean, I thought he was a rather good looking dude.  Eventually they winded up together, but it seemed very hesitant about it.  While I hope they make it, I am not holding any hopes for it.

Dating in the Dark: Week 3

Initial impressions:

Chris: He seems to have a bit grown up due to his Cancer experience and seems to be genuinly looking for someone for him.

Philip: is a former Military guy that wants to find someone with "Depth", he's a hot guy and I can respect him saying that.  Already he's my favorite.

Billy Ray:  He seems to come from a family that has a tendency to be Serial Marry-ers (if that isn't a word, it is now), and is determined not to walk down that path.  He's the oldest of the 3 men and seems to be the most patient in finding someone.  But the reason of his being single this far along in his life could be that he could also just be whoring around.

My money is hoping for Philip, but Chris seems like a nice guy as well.  Living through cancer will usually sober a guy up from what I've seen.

Sasha:  "..Because I'm very superficial and I usually date boys that are hot." was the sentence that caught my attention.  She claims that DITD is going to be difficult for her because she seems to only like "hot guys".  Wow.  I can only imagine what kind of issues she has had to deal with in the past to get to this point.

Megan:  who comes from a conservative background and seems to date the "rough around the edges" guy. Which is interesting. That basically falls under the norm of people that are raised with such a background....from my experience.

Jennifer:  A military girl who seems to be quite Type A.  The men she has met in the past seem to have a problem with being in control.  Having dated military chicks in the past, I can't see what the problem guys have with her.  Allowing to have a LITTLE control over you isn't a big deal. If your ego can't handle it, blame it on yourself, not on her.   Unless she insists on keeping you in a dog pen..but that's a different type of show.

Initially, I believe Jennifer is the least PHYSICALLY attractive, but Sascha is the one that is lovely, but unattractive in personality.

Initial meeting:

Jennifer and Philip seem to find common ground because they were both in the military, which he finds sexy.  It seems that Jennifer seems to be smitten with Chris and doesn't even seem to mention Philip when she announces her "Front Runners" of Chris and Billy Ray.

Billy Ray seems to have his first two has Megan and Sasha, with Jennifer rounding up the rear.  His reasoning for Jennifer being last is because he isn't active in Physical training, which seems to be Jennifer's preference in guys.

The first initial dates:

Billy Ray and Megan picked each other:  He confided in her that his father had passed and was in and out of the system.  Her facial expressions seemed to change (to me) as soon as that was mentioned.   Megan stated that he wasn't probably as close to his family as she was to hers, and that didn't seem appeal to her very much.   I guess she believes a close knit family makes for a stable relationship?   I can kinda' see that.

When he met Sasha, and said she intrigued him.  He said that he was allergic to cats, and since she was a major animal person, that almost seemed like a deal breaker to her.
During the topic of work, he admitted that he can be quite lazy; on the other hand, she said she was obsessively working up to 16 hours a day.   It seems that he simply can't picture her knowing how to relax.

DUDE! Are you kidding me?

Sasha wasn't feeling it either, and told one of the girls that.

Jennifer and Chris met up for a date and the first thing that she asks is for him to see if he can do a pushup with her on his back.  Wow. Being that he's a Personal trainer, that was easy.

Philip and Jennifer met in the dark room and immediately started talking about their military careers.
He seems to be impressed with her with, what seems like, a "Take charge" person in her position in the military.

She seems to be fond of him and is interested in going on another date with him.

Sasha invites Chris for a date, he immediately starts talking about his past which includes the passing of his father from Brain cancer and his own battle with Cancer.  This breaks her heart, but seems genuinely touched that he confided this in her, sharing with her something that is apparently very intimate in his life.

Sasha and Jennifer seem to already be competing for the same guy.

During the wallet inspection, they seem to be quick to ridicule Billy Ray for his lack of any apparent wealth (6 lotto tickets and no cash) in his wallet.

Wish Sasha's purse proved to be interesting to the guys with it's disorganization.

Philips wallet, they found 422 bucks and a some credit cards which seems to really impress them for some reason.  It's at this point Jennifer makes the comment that since they apparently like to shop, they would also make a good match.

Jennifer's purse reveals a beat up purse and a chewed on lipstick. Which Philip dismisses as a woman that might have a Oral Fixation.

Chris' wallet:  70 bucks, a CPR card, and Sasha seems impressed with how "real" the wallet is. 

Umm...Okay.

Megan's Purse his a fashionable purse and organized.

the matchups:

Sasha and Billy Ray; which She promptly states, "That's why being good on paper doesn't make for a good relationship."  She immediately proclaims that she can't possibly see how they can be compatible. After their date, he comments that he was bored with it. 

Jennifer and Philip: She says they are fairly compatible, but was still wondering if Chris was more for her.

Megan and Chris:  Chris totally charmed her with some of his gentlemanly ways. (Take notes guys.)

Jennifer than Invited Chris into the room for a date and he totally charms her.
She later invites Philip into the room afterward and she admits that she also likes Chris, with Philip pretty much prompting her that if she thinks he likes Chris more, than perhaps she should simply go with him. 

Billy Ray and Sasha tried to get to know Sasha better, but he felt no connection with her and admits that there is no woman in the house that there for him.  

For the Final date, all girls picked Chris.
Philip also comes to the conclusion that he felt no real connection with the girls either and stepped up and gave him advice on how to get to where he wants to be with the right girl.

The girls all seem to have tension in the fact that they are all competing for the same guy.  They're joking around, but you can tell the competition is there.

His approach was to kiss all the women and see how it works out.  Interesting way of doing it.  Confiding too  Jennifer and Megan intimate moments about his pass seems to have won him over.
With the date with Sasha, he seems to be a bit put off with her sexual side of her.

At the end of the dates, he tells the guys that Jennifer is probably the most compatible to him.

When it came to the reveal, Billy Ray and Philip chose no one.  They took themselves out.
This is amazing to me, to be honest.

All women, however, picked Chris.

When they are talking about their expectations of Chris in the Reveal room, Megan hopes that He is stylish slightly rugged.
She comments she is a bigger girl, but not someone he normally dates, but admits that he is still attracted to her. She doesn't really seem to be as enthusiastic to his apparence.  
Which to me, is a shame, he's willing to overlook it, because they seem compatible, but she isn't.

Sasha's reveal shows an expression on her face that doesn't show that (to me) that she is pleased with what she sees.  She comments that his suit looks like he borrowed from his Dad and spiked hair and looked so young.  But once the lights were turned on, she wasn't attracted to him.
Once again, Chris comments that she's bigger than what he's normally used to dating and admits that he didn't find her being a redhead being very attractive to him.
Jennifer and Chris' reveal, she seemed pleased with his appearance and is "Gorgeous" but like the other ladies, she noted his youthful appearance.
He later comments that while she may be attractive, there is a "wild" look to her personality.

While this may make him seem a bit on the Douche'-y side (my word, feel free to use it.) he seems to come away with a more open mind than the other girls do.

before the Balcony, Sasha makes the comment that Chris isn't as attractive (!) as the other men she had dated, and is wondering if she can look past that and remember the good times they had in the dark.
Really, Sasha?  REALLY??  You're no awesome looker yourself. 
Sorry.

Jennifer comments that she is still quite attracted to him, but is wondering if his age would be a deal breaker because she would feel like she's dating a younger brother.

Megan on the other hand, LIKES him, but she doesn't think that HE would make her FRIENDS comfortable.
Oh come on!

Chris later comments that he is most attracted to Jennifer as far as physically and personality.

As he stands on the Balcony, he is hoping that Jennifer walks up.

Sasha walks out the front door and proclaims that looks really do matter to her and thinks that the rest of the world is the same way.  Looks matter.   Somehow, I'm not surprised with this.  Good luck, lady!
It's ironic that He didn't find HER attractive.  Beauty is always subjective.

Megan walks out the front door and decides that it is best that she not meet him, thereby giving him false hope of a relationship since she also had doubts that a relationship would be successful.
When he saw her walk out, he was actually quite glad and admitted that she wasn't his type.

She is shown to walk out the front door as well, but says that he is a little young for her.

You could tell that he was a bit heartbroken, but he says that he isn't going to take this too hard and keep moving on and realizes that there is another girl out there for him.

Looks like no one picked anyone.

It's a shame, but I would have thought Philip and Chris would have been better luck with the rest of the ladies.

Overall, I think the producers did a lousy job of picking someone for this week (Or they did it on purpose to prove a point), but it does seem to show that looks are quite important to people, whom I think who I think are less than spectacular as well.

The only person I can probably give a pass too is Jennifer, she seemed to have some legit reasons, she found him sexy and attractive, but the age thing (or youthful look) might bother women.  At least, I would suspect it, unless they want to look like a cougar. :)


'Scuse me while I'm bummed out and reach for my Ice Cream and Erase and gladly erase this episode from my TiVo.

Dating in The Dark aftermarth of week 1.

I know this is a bit late, but better than never...at least for me.

The format was very challenging to those inside, and I liked that they didn't pick "pretty people" or "Trolls" but, what I feel are, normal looking people.

What I thought was fascinating was the psychological torture they were putting themselves into, and the assignments that the show put them simply reinforced their, what I think, fears of being rejected.

I was quite disappointed with "Christina" in not showing up for her date.  Not only was she the one that seemed to get more intimate than the other couples, but she seemed to make a big deal of how the guy (seth) meshed quite well with her.

With that exception, I was pleased that the other two seemed to get past their initial anxiety and resolved to try to date afterwards.

PERSONALLY, I think the biggest surprise for me was Melenie and Allister (The blonde and the Aussie, I believe).  They were both charming and was the couple I was rooting for, particularly after they both confided qutie a bit to each other.

The next weekend should prove to be quite interesting from what the previews have revealed.

An experiment in dating...

Anyone that has dated for any amount of time (everyone on the planet), you know that there is always a huge amount of pressure when it comes to dating.
You have to not only look for someone that appeals to you, but critizing yourself to make sure YOU appeal to THEM.

Tonight there is a show called "Dating in the dark" that seems to bring a topic on dating. In many ways, it's quite like online dating in a sense that you will not be able to see who you're talking to.  However, the difference is that you can sense, feel, and hear your date, but you can't see them.  From my understanding of the show, the whole "meeting" and getting to know of the person will take place completely in the dark.  Several of the commercials have shown that a number of the "contestants" consider looks high on their priority list.


The interesting part of it is how they will react once they see who they eventually got to "know" in the dark room.  Will they get to really like the personality they is presented in the dark room and then "dislike" what they see?

I'm not that much into looks, but rather be more into their personality.  Now if you find a good looking guy/girl with a stunning personality, and from personal experience; a rarity.

I won't be home for the show, but I plan on TiVo'ing it a bit later and look forward to it.

Cranial Fecal Matter

Blogging (of different genre's) has always been a way for some of us to document our lives, the world around us, to make a difference, or simply be our own cheap therapy session.

Being a Dating blogger (as well a Sex blogger), what we post on here, for the most part, is a snippet of our lives. A snapshot, if you will.  Different snap shots at different times and places.  Very rarely will anyone make the abstract jump as to HOW we get from here to there. 
It's akin to taking a trip starting from one end of the nation to the other, tell you I'm there; but not mentioning the route I took, the foods that were eaten, or the oddities that are seen, witnessed, or done.
In quite a few ways, I feel like I'm cheating you (the eight readers that read this drivel) by not saying what happened in between the stories that I have posted.
While, I'm not proclaiming that my life, in any way, shape, or form is something that I would even consider fascinating,  I am open to comments or questions to both of my blogs as to what happened in between posts. While it may not be fascinating to me, it might fill in an answer for you.

I got that out of the way:

Unless I wish to start an additional blog (under this or another pseudonym) in which I'd talk about other things that interest me. My drivel might start being even more....drivel-ish. Due to my life being in a bit of a hectic, my dating has come to an abrupt stop, but I am still doing the occasional CL for playmates/Girlfriends.
The things I've been considering writing about things that occur to me on a daily basis, or wish to open a dialogue about things. My reading list, is a bit of a clue on my interests, but my life isn't simply contained between my legs (although, to be honest, I would LOVE for someone to be constantly between them), but rather in my mind that is in a frenzy search of answers.

A wide variety of questions always seem to come into my head but with few people to talk about it with and explore.  It's not that I don't' have a close group of friends or even friends with high intelligence, but more like topics that simply doesn't register as having any importance in their lives.  

Questions of "Are you or I considered 'evil' to other people?", "If Hitler got accepted to Art school, what would the world be like?", "What is it like to be in Hawking's or Einstein's brain?", "How in the world did someone have the guts to TRY to eat a ginger root?", and "Do Assholes KNOW they're assholes?"


There is so much in my head, but I realize quite a number of you probably don't care of what goes on inside my head, but hey; It's my blog and if I get this caffeinated again, lord knows what you'd find.


FYI: This post took an hour and a half to write and deleted 90% of it.  Heaven help y'all if I decide to post the echos in my head.

Absence of Malice...

I have been asked a number of times if I feel bitter towards the women that I have dated through Craig's list.

With little hesitation, I can honestly say, "No."  Considering how many women I've been with over the years, is rather extraordinary, I would imagine.  I don't have any sense of bitterness of any of the women that I have met over the entirety of my "dating career".   If anything, I miss quite a few of them and I had wished it had worked out better and came out with more of them as friends with all of them instead of just a few.

All of the women that I have met recently were wonderful people; it's just some were a bit crazier than others.
Even when I speak of the mother of my child (spit), I wish her the best; but I would be lying if I didn't have some small amount of glee when I hear some form of comeuppance occur to her because of some idiocy has come back to hit her from some years past.
 
But I digress.

Every single one of the women I have dated, I wished the best. Period.  I want them all to have glorious lives and to be happy.*
There is no comprehension of how some people have a tendency to simply have ugly breakups, but perhaps I was lucky.

Some of the nightmares I've heard that I never had to endure:

Financial(Stolen or embezzled from, Owed, assets not returned, bills not paid, arguments over money),
Mental (Abuse**, degraded**, forced to watch too many chick flicks or the Oxygen Network for hours at a time), or Physical Trauma (Physical and sexual abuse**, Shot, stabbed, anything you should appear on Springer on, etc).

I guess I should consider myself quite lucky, because if any of that occured, I would simply walk away and I would have some negative feelings for those.

* Except that one mentioned previously.
**Non Consenual, that is..

THIS is marital bliss?

This past weekend I got a weekend with IF and his wife to a "cook out", the invitation read like this on my phone:


"BBQ this Sunday. 4pm. Be there."

Fine.  I'm all for that. They usually have a good spread and they know I'm good for a bit of mooching (single men are easily bribed/lured with free food, ladies.  I'm just sayin'). 
When I finally get there, the table is literally groaning from the weight of all the food that was cooked and/or brought in. (I was supposed to bring a dish? Ooops!)
The cast of characters that showed up could basically be described like the cast of "Seinfeld" on a "Friend's" set with writers from "Will and Grace."
It's really a screwed up cast:
IF: Idiot friend.  We attend baseball games and strip clubs together.  That's it.  He's so hetero it's not even funny, he goes out of the way to prove it.  Yet he married a fag hag.  Go fig.

IFW:  The bullet I dodged.  Like a combination of Don Rickles, Kathy Griffin, Chelsea Lately, and a Pissed off Grace (of Will and Grace fame).  She told me credits her dropping a good sized percentage of her weight on the South Beach Diet.  
When she noted the blank look on my face, she elaborated; "Yeah, went to South Beach* almost every night and lived on vodka, vicadin, and a little cocaine.

The OTHER boyfriend:  IF goes out with him to other events that AREN'T Baseball (or topless bar) related. Cheater.  They even went to a GEORGE MICHEAL CONCERT together!  (IFW's comment when he went: "Don't come back any gayer!")

Gay Slacker dude:  Has THREE degrees.  THREE!  By age 24.   What does he do?
Anyone?  Anyone?  A WAITER!  A WAITER!  Awesome guy, though. 


San Fran Gay:  Don't really know much about him aside from the fact that he's a nice guy.


Lenny:  Known him since I first met IFW.  Don't know what he does, don't even know his real name.  He's a borderline militant gay.  He doesn't want to work hard at it because he doesn't like to sweat.  Really.

Unknown Straight girl:   Never met her before, but I think they were trying to hook me up.  No.  Ain't happening. 


After greeting the kids, hugging the IFW, and greetings overall, I turn into the kitchen and spot a little banner on the wall "Happy Birthday!"
Fuck. 
As usual I show up empty handed to one of their wingdings.
With little shame, I scoop up some of the yummies off the table and meander my way to the birthday girl.
"Did you ever think you'd make it to 40?"
"There wasn't a doubt in my mind, I just thought I'd be single and have more cats."
Ever charming. 
I asked why they didn't give me a heads up as far her b/day or this was a bit of a potluck dinner and she basically knew that I've been having a rough couple of months and have been working like crazy to save up some money for an objective that I have as well as to distract myself overall.

As I go around talking to the rest of the guests, turns out they were all originally invited to the Superbowl Party.
This party showed promise of a great deal of fun with a ton of one liners going flying:


After one of the boys lures the other (both about 4) into the dog pen:
Friend; "hey connie! Your boy is practing to be a gimp!"
"He can fetch beers and knows the difference between the cans." 


To mom holding infant:
"Baby just puked. Need a napkin?", as I instinctly reached for a wetnap that always seems to be in homes of infants and toddlers.

As she lowers baby to floor: "nah, the dog will take care of it."
Sure enough, he does, as I look on in disbelief as the Boxer takes care of the chore.

As the party was about to head out to the pool, I hesitated because of the heat and was hinting I was quite content (Of which a few others agreed) in staying in the air conditioned comfort of the room.  But the kids were insistent;


"C'mon, let's take the kids to the pool,"
"What?  Why not just let them go by themselves?"
"I know! I want to stay in and drink, but I gotta stay with the little bastards.  Its always about them!"


Later on during the party after we've done some drinking and the Birthday girl not wanting to get up for another drink:
"Fisher price needs to come up with a bar set, so he can learn how to mix drinks when we chill out at home."

There were other great one liners that I just couldn't remember, but the happy couple were playfully sniping each other constantly.
When I remarked to the birthday girl that she seemed very happy her response was typical her:
"I am very happy. I have two great sons, a nice home, the only thing spoiling it is that I wished the daddy was a bit smarter than the kids."



After relenting and eventually going out to join them in the pool, I sweated a bit more and decided it was time to go home.
I hugged BDgirl, shook hands, hugged, and waved to people.

Looking back, I can't say I wasn't just a bit jealous, but seriously wondered if this was idylic in a marriage, or if I had my own weird views on a relationship.

Hopefully, I will find out soon. 




*A local Gay Club called, "South Beach." Awesome dance music, btw. You should go.

When a cat doesn't cut it.

Several weeks ago, I was taken down for a few days by a nasty little flu.
Swine flu or not, I was miserable and never felt so bad in my life.   It struck so quickly that I didn't budge from the couch where I was at for three days and was only awake for a about 10 hours of them (I think) and this is my VERY hazy realization of how a girlfriend would have been handy and some of the REALLY whacked out dreams I had.

Late on Wednesday night, early Thursday morning, I wasn't feeling very well, and I felt the couch was quite comfortable and decided it was a good place for a nap.
Several hours later, I was freezing with a high fever.
Lovely.
Having the sudden urge to go to the bathroom, my head started spinning and a sneezing fit followed and laid back down
Kitty was sitting on the floor wondering why I hadn't fed her.
"You have bowl full of food. No fancy feast for you today."
Her response was the usual silent staring, so I ignored her and rolled over and promptly went back to sleep.
Some time later, I awoke with her on my chest, staring at me, and meowing loudly.

"I'm dying. Leave me alone."
Once again, the urge to to go the bathroom is there and I slowly get up.  I'm dizzy, my stomach is doing flipflops, my throat felt like it was sandblasted, and incredibly thirsty.

As I'm walking like a zombie with a hangover to the bathroom, the cat is meowing at me and runs into the bathroom.for some water (don't ask).
Looking at the food bowl, it was half full.  The "Fancy Feast" bowl was empty.
Whatever. she can live on purina one for now.
Going back to the couch, I collapse and start groaning and generally whine about my condition wishing for the sweet embrace of death.
While the cat and I are staring at each other, I ask her to go get me some nyquil that I forgot in the bathroom.
"Get me the Fancy feast, and I'll consider it."
"Bitch."
"Back atcha!"
I fade out and once again, the pressure on my chest woke me up.
Well that and her claws which are now applying substantial pressure to my bare chest.
"I'm hungry.  I need food," She said.  For emphasis she stuck her claws a bit deeper into my chest.
Fuck. I should have had her declawed years ago.
"No. Do me a favor and slit my throat with those things."
"Why?  You're warm and I'm comfy.  I just need food."
"You have food, dammit."  I fail in my attempt to dislodge her.  Felt like she weighed a ton.
"It's dry food. I want wet food."
"I'm dying. leave me alone."
"You know, if you had a girlfriend, she could take care of you." she said with some genuine concern in her meows.
"You mean, 'feed you'", I countered.
"Well, there is that," she admitted, "but more to the fact so I wouldn't have to listen to you whine."
"I don't whine!"
"You haven't had to sit here and listen to yourself."
I nod off and woke up sometime at 10pm on friday.
Once again, I make my trip to the bathroom as she rounds the corner from the bedroom and proceeds to meow at me in a nagging way.
"What do you want now?"
"I want food."
Looking over at her bowl, there is substantially less food than there was earlier.
"You shouldn't be hungry.  Your bowl still has quite a bit left."
"But I had to eat that garbage since you passed out."
"I'm sorry, I don't feed you garbage."
"That's a matter of opinion. Also, you need to clean out the box."
"I'll clean it later, but I'll refill your bowl a bit," I said, offering a compromise.
"Fancy feast?", she perked up as I entered the kitchen.
"No, Purina one."
"Damn," with very obvious disappointment, "You still need to clean out my box."
"I'll do it after I recover, you can wait a day or two."
"Can I?  Really?"
I never heard a cat sounding ominous before.
"Yeah, I'm sure."
Making my way back to the couch, I pass out once again.

The Coma was interrupted by a phone call early the next morning;
It was my Idiot friend
"You okay? Haven't heard from you. You sound like hell."
I murmur something that I don't remember.  But I'm sure the word "death" was included in the sentence.
"Need me to bring you something?  We are passing by you in a few hours.", I can hear his wife in the background already packing up medication.
"NO!  Don't want you to catch this crap."  Which is true, they have two small children, including an infant. 
Hearing the phone wrestling away from him, the wife's voice comes on;
"Hey, we can leave it on your doorstep if you want.   Where's your girlfriend?"
"Long story, she isn't in the picture."
"Sorry to hear that.  Life would be easier right now if you had one around."
"Thanks. The cat mentioned that too."
"What?  Are you smoking as well?  I didn't think you touched the stuff."
"Long story. Go take care of the kids, and slap your husband for me."
"Okay.  Hope you feel better. BYE!"
Me and IF talk for a minute more before I tell them I need to go die for awhile and pass out once again.
After being awakened by some annoying meowing, I start heading towards the bathroom and spot kitty waiting for me.
Sitting on the edge of the bathtub, she had that smug look that I am always suspicious of, so I peered into the tub.
Kitty poo.
"I told you there would be consequences."
"Fuck off, cat," as I reached to clean up the mess.
"There is more of that later if you want," she said in that menacing little voice of hers.
"No more snacks for you," I told her.
"Feh.  You haven't given me snacks in weeks.  It's an empty threat."
Yes it was.  Damn.
I stomp back towards the couch, my fever at an all time high.
"You DESERVE the swine flu!"
Thinking back at the symptoms from the news, I was in the clear, but I need to make sure, so I power up the laptop and look it up:
Fever. Check. cough. Check. Sore throat. Yep. Runny nose. Check. Headache. Massive. Muscle soreness. Definitely.
" ...about 38% of patients had vomiting or diarrhea." Nope. Totally in the clear.
I power down and start watching what was recorded on my TiVo, get more water, get some leftover pizza, and settle down.  I hadn't eaten in almost 2 days, and was starving.
Kitty teleported to my side.
"Food", was her only statement.
"Go to hell. Let me suffer in peace" and I push her off the couch.
She huffs away.
I'm after a couple of semi dazed hours of TV viewing, I'm in a catatonic (no pun intended) state, staring blankly at my "Playlist".
That's when I realized the other two symptoms showed their ugly heads.
Kitty was there to egg me on.
"You know, if you had a girlfriend, she'd help you with this."
The words "shut up" almost came out of my mouth, but it was rather busy at the time.

"You know, she would have made sure I was fed, changed my litter box, gave me fresh water, and-"
"HELLO! I'm the one that's SICK! I haven't really eaten, drank, or even bathed in three days!"

"You didn't have to point out the last one, that is obvious," she said with more than a little disgust in her tone.
Again, I decided it was best to pass out and ignore my cat.
She does have a point, though.

By the beginning of the fourth day, I was actually able to hold down food and take hour long HOT showers.  It felt great to be (relatively) Human again. 
The recollections of those conversations was just plain surreal, but as I retold the story to friends, and their knowing my cat; they found the whole thing quite believable.

Particularly that I need a girlfriend.