Good byes and hello's?

Having a particularly rough day, I couldn't resist but to send KM a simple text.

"For what it's worth, Happy Mother's day."

My intent was that, I wished to continue our conversation and try to be less harsh to her and see where she wants this go to.

"Nice. You're an idiot."

Okay.  That doesn't say much, so I simply responded:

"That isn't exactly a secret, Y'know."

Nothing since.
For whatever its worth, I think I blew it, but I don't think it was much of a loss.

While just sitting watching TV for another hour or so, my phone buzzed.

Andi.
We talked for a bit, she wanted to know how I was, so I relayed some of the recent (Vanilla) drama in my life and mentioned my previous "Conversation" with KM in the vaguest of terms.
She mentioned she recently had a falling out with a guy she was "seeing" for a bit as well. 
We really didn't cover any new ground, except that she said she'd try harder and, once again, apologized for being such a wishy-washy person.

We hung up on better terms than we did last time, but I'm still apprehensive as to what she has in mind.

I guess its time to put up another ad.

It's 12:30 am, do you know where your date is?

Well, once again, work gets in the way of my date with KM on Tuesday, Friday, and Last night (Sunday) . Good thing we're not DATING.

Now, to be fair, MY work kinda' interfered with it, but that was on Tuesday.
Whatever.

I guess because I told her I was doing 10 LOADS, she just assumed I was probably too busy to be bothered with a smooching session with her.
Oh yeah, laundry.
I just got a hard on for it.

On a side note, she confessed she fingered herself silly to my text message a few days ago.

Anyway, back at the ranch...

At about 12:30am, I got a TEXT from Lauren.
A TEXT!
Doesn't anyone believe in talking anymore?

"We didn't make a date. :-("
"How about tomorrow?"
"Cool. Red Lobster? 4:30?"
"I'm SO there."

Red Lobster?? I guess it's about as good as a place for a first date as any.

But RED LOBSTER?!?

Whatever. Well, at least it will prove to be an interesting date.

HURRY KM! Your ship is sailing!

I need a job

Well, not really.

After a few initial responses to my ad, it seems like a number of them were turned off by my job.
It's not a sexy job, nor is it a low paying job, but I guess it's not the typical 9 to 5 job that ladies want a man to have.
So far the only ones that haven't shied away from it are KM and Lumens.
What I've been thinking of doing is telling them outright what job I have or make up a job that is REALLY bad that will see if that will dissuade them in some way.

A couple of suggestions friends have made is:

Dog Catcher
Road Kill Cleanup.
Crime Scene Cleanup
Slaughter House Dude
Tax Collector.

Yes, this all sounds lame, but then again, so are the ladies who stop writing/calling after I tell them what I do for a living.

I'm totally open to suggestions.

So Long Andi...

It's amazing how much of my life is ruled by email or texting.

While running around at work one night last week I get a text msg.

Andi: "Hi. Sorry I haven't called. Been busy."
Me: "so have I."
Andi: "Just wanted to let you know that I miss talking to you, I've been very busy."
Me: "I know. Been thinking about what we discussed last time?"
Andi: "Yes. I want you back in my life, my family asks about you from time to time."
Me:"Well, give my regards."
Andi:"Sorry I didn't call the other night when you said you were available, but I had fallen asleep."
To be fair, the conversation happened at 3 in the morning.
Me:"I figured.  But time has passed."
Silence for 10 minutes.
Andi:"I have to go. My number is __________  Call me?"
Me:"No. You call me. I'm done calling to find you're too busy."

That was the last I heard from her 4 days ago.  It was another tough goodbye.

These are getting to be tiresome.

Jumping through hoops? Nah.

I have gotten quite a few responses from my little ad, but a few were just asking for too much.

One I shall mention is SW:

SW seemed like a charming women, about my age and immediately started talking and sent her a photo. The three photos she sent made her seems whimsical and seemed to have a sunny disposition, including a bodyshot of her in a dress which, I assume was going on a night out. The photo I usually send is a recent one from a trip to New York on a weekend trip that included a Yankees game (Yes, I travel to other cities for games.), but it also shows me slightly inebriated, but still a good photo. We chatted for a bit and finally sent her my number.

Before she would call, she demanded a SOBER photo, so I hunted the only recent photo there was of me sober. Almost the exact same pose, but during the daytime (about half an hour before the drinking started).

Then she asked for a full bodyshot like I the one she had sent me.
Again, I don't take photos of myself and any photos I DO have are in the possession of friends. I was a bit peeved about this, I searched through my files. I literally have THOUSANDS of photos and eventually found a full body shot of me about six years ago in a Tux in which I was a few tons lighter.

No.

If she wants to talk to me, she can do it on the photos I gave her. The sunny disposition she had showed initially, to me, showed that she was someone who didn't trust people's pictures and won't meet them until she knows what they look like.
Now, granted, I don't think it's unreasonable, but if I don't have a photo, I just don't have a photo.
Yes, I can go to the bathroom and take a new one, but it'll suck.

Nice knowin' ya SW.

Another infuriating email I have received by a girl that just had one sentence:

"Can I see your photo first?"

WTF? No "Hi?", no other preamble what-so-ever?

Good lord, ladies!

The stars aligned...

Quite a bit happened this week. Got some really whacked out responses and a few twists in some of the emails I received.
KM called up for another chance to make up for last weekend, and I couldn't help but accept, but more about that, and other stuff, in a later post.

The thing I wanted to talk about how, for some reason, my mind is shifting to "Wanting a relationship" mode.
Yes, my mind is shifting a bit TOO much into it.
Yes, I want a "We", but I don't want to become blind to the realities of dating.
Actually, I need to rephrase that, more like the "Dangers" of dating.
It happens to all of us in some form once we have an objective in mind. We have a tendency to develop a sense of tunnel vision that filters all other things out to our detriment.
When I'm looking for people for my parties, I don't think about the peripheral stuff. I don't care what issues aside their being mentally stable/reliable enough to handle some adult fun.
When you're focused on trying to find someone for a "Relationship", the focus has to change a bit. You have to widen your idiot/geek/psycho/trekkie/psychic/SCA enthusiast detector to a more sensitive setting.
Basically, you have to look at a person as a total package and I think I have been too much of a dumbass to reset those parameters in my head.

I kept thinking how I am not acting like my rational self. I'm not blowing off women who are in the least bit flakey like I normally would. So for those 3 people that have been reading my idiot mistakes, I apologize. On my way to my date, this is what was going through my head as I was going to the restaurant.
Generally when I walk anywhere, I take in everything that is going on around me.
Bits of conversation.
Sounds of traffic. (lest I get run over)
See various people are doing.
What struck me was that I had just turned behind an elderly couple. Initialy I dismissed them as I kept pace behind them (I wasn't in a hurry, and I didn't want to rush them), but the more I looked, the more I was envious.
They were at least in their late 70, walking hand in hand. It was the hand holding that really got me. It wasn't the "don't fall behind" grasp, but a tender touch that they both took pains to maintain.
As I got in closer, it became more obvious on movie they had watched and were having a deep discussion about it. As they turned to where their car was parked, I faintly heard, "My life would be empty without you."
I WANT that. I want someone to be old with!
They kept on their perpendicular path and the husband looked at me. Apparently surprised I was so close behind them.
He nodded his head at me in greeting and I smiled back.
I wiped the mist from my eyes (I can be an old softy and romantic), and continued on my way
Deciding that if this didn't work, made myself promise this was the last shot she had.

What? What? NO!

MINUTES after I posted my last entry, while I am reaching for my fourth glass of wine, the phone buzzes and scared the shit out of me.
KM's picture is grinning at me as the phone cheerfully announces that she is on the other side.
Taking a deep breath, I muster total calm.  Complete calm.  Inhale.
Breathe.

"Hi, Sweetie!"
"Are you mad at me?"  Did my tone give it away?
"Well, I AM a bit peeved." Fuck it. Gotta be honest.
"Why?" WHY?  She asks WHY??
"Because you left me hanging, I didn't know what was going on." Again. Be honest.
Okay, everything is on the table.
Let's roll the dice.
"Well, I was busy with the kids and..." She continued for several minutes...Until I finally had to interrupt.
"Look, I understand SIX kids can be a handful. I get it, I just wished you could have simply told me what was going on."
"I know. I suck.  I'm really bad about that."
"That's all I ask.  Keep me informed."
"I know, I suck at that."  If she knows that, why can't she correct it?
"So, where at you at now?"
"Home."
"Oh, I guess you wouldn't want to hang out with me, being irritated and all."
"No. Not irritated. Peeved.  Difference."
"Oh?"  C'mon!  I don't wanna' parse words!
"Yes. Peeved."
"Well, if you're peeved at me, you probably wouldn't want to be with me tonight."
What?  What? No! I'll be with you tonight!  Really!
"Whatever you wish to do, doll.  I am at your service."
"Well, let me take care of things here and I'll let you know."  FUCK! WOMAN! Make a decision!!, "Besides, I'm not showered, I've been up all day..." 
My hopes for tonight are being squashed by a ton of excuses.
"You DO know they have showers in hotels, if that is what you want to do."  Okay. that came out snarky, but, whatever.
"I know, I...well, I don't know what to do tonight." You want to be with me!  I'll hold your hand! I'll massage your feet!  I just want to spend time with you!
"Well, whatever you feel comfortable with, I'm okay." Total lie.  I'll sulk like a kid if I don't see her.
"Okay, well, I'll call you back."


ARGH!
Oh good lord!
As I'm opening up my 2nd bottle, I hear my phone buzz and I'm immediately tempted to throw it down the garbage disposal.
I read the text message and I almost lose it:

"Let's skip tonight. I am really not good company."

My reaction is a bit more childish I've thought I'd be.  I throw every pillow and cushion within reach.
After a couple of minutes, I sit on my now, VERY uncomfortable couch with my cat begging to be scratched.

So much for having a little Pussy and now I'm incredibly drunk.

Text Messaging Hell

Why am I here?  Here is the answer:

At 4pm, I go to a bar near where I had hoped we would either have our dinner, a movie, or straight to our Hotel.

Since I didn't know exactly when she was going to drop the kiddos off, I figure I'd send her a quick text to say Hi and see how she is doing:

"Hey, Doll."
"How are you?"
"Good now that you answered. :) Wassup? Dinner? Movie? Both?"
"Why wouldn't I?"  Uh-oh
"I am just teasing, silly."
"Ah. Do what you think is best."  Okay, sounds reasonable. Idiot comment neutralized.
"What I think is best is better with you at my side."  Didn't really care what we did, I just wanted her near me.
"Oh Lord."  Yeah, I expected that response.  Hopefully she cracked a smile at my lame line.
"What? :)"
"You probably just want me to say we can skip all the preliminaries and get right to the sex."  While I would not mind it, the tone did NOT sound good.
"I'm totally agreeable to what you want."  I took a moment to analyze the sentence to make sure there was no stupidity in there somewhere, but I was getting peeved at the remark.
"Whatever is fine." Fine? Danger!  Oh shit. How did I fuck this up?
I go back to re-read what I sent and everything looked fairly free of male stupidity.
"Fine.  If you're hungry, dinner. If not, perhaps a movie.  If you're not in the mood, I'll do hand puppets."
Reading the statement over again.  Flexible overtones with a hint of humor. Okay.
"Just sex is great. That is what you want anyway." WTF? HOW did THAT happen?
"Oh? Didn't realize I was twisting your arm. LOL.  When am I going to be graced with your presence?"
FUCK! I hit send before I could edit it!
"I do not know. I am in a crappy mood."  What The-?
I sit stunned looking at the phone.  I briefly ponder asking the bartender for a whiskey, but think better of it.
There is no point. I beat a hasty retreat:
"I'm sorry. Want to blow it off today or just hang out."  See? no sex. No mention of sex! nothing!
"Do not know yet." OH COME ON!  I realized a few seconds later that everyone in the bar was looking at me.  I guess I said it out loud. VERY loudly.
"K. Going to work for awhile. Hope you feel better, Doll."
I waited for two drinks for a response.  Nothing.
ARGH!
I calmly get up, and decide on some grocery shopping.  It was due.
As I get out of the car, the SAME homeless guy I see everytime I go to the store is about to ask me for money.
He never remembers me.
"WHAT THE FUCK? Don't you know I NEVER give you money?  If I come back with some cocaine will you do me a favor and suck it up so you'll just DIE?", I said it at the top of my voice.
Yeah, maybe I was a bit tense. I immediately start driving home and at the light I squeeze off a text:
"On my way home, Doll.  Call me later if you feel better."
Two hours passed since I got a txt from her to the time I sent her that one.

'Scuse me while I go kill some innocent pillows.

You were WHAT??

The day was miserable. 
It was cloudy, cold, and dark.  My mood made it a matching set.
Thinking last night and that KM are taking the next step and having resolved some issues was the only thing keeping my foul mood from turning to outright depression..   After going out for the day, I'd thought I send her a quick text:

"I had fun last night, I'll be thinking about it for a long time."
Several hours pass and I think nothing of it, figured she was at work and we had a tenative date scheduled for that night.
Then I remembered she had the night off.
Whatever. I figure she's busy and eventually the following texts come through, verbitem:
"Hey. I had a good time, too, but that girl that was with you last night was not me.  I just can't do it. Well, I can, but I have to be drunk and don't want to live that way."
WTF?  I pull over to a parking lot as quickly as I could.
"I was wondering about that.  What part of it was you?"
"The kissing, love giving head, sex."
well, that is clear as a bell, isn't it?
"I def. Enjoyed that part.  I've seen you drunk and sober, but I figured you were just tipsy.  Which parts weren't you?"
"I'm sure you know."
ARGH!  I barely keep my temper in check.  This was the only bright spot in my day and its being taken away.
"Look, we both promised to just be honest with each other so there are no misunderstandings.  I don't take hints very well."
It's true.  It's a miracle I'm still not a virgin.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to upset you."
"You're not upsetting me, I just want to know.  I need you to be straight forward about things."
"I'm trying."
"Then you're going to have to elaborate."


I wait for 10 minutes for an answer that never came and the rest of the evening was spent under a literal and figurative dark cloud in the city. 

Waking up the next morning, she was my first thought and I sent another txt that took me 15 minutes to compose:


"Look. I am really into you and I want to see where this goes, but you have to see me halfway to work on this.  I know you're busy and have a busy life, but the little time we have, we have to be able to be upfront with each other.  If you can't do that then we're doomed from the start."

I stared at my phone for several minutes.
Was this right?  Was it too aggressive? Why am I doubting myself?
Screw it.
I hit the send button and waited for a reply.
That was 3 hours ago.  Nothing. 
Maybe I won't be curtailing my CL dating anytime soon.

ARGH!  Dating is NOT supposed to be this hard! 

The Quest continues...Flakes and Frustrations

I know I have been neglectful of this page, but I've had little time to devote to it.

After my last Post, KM called and apologized profusely. She had some sort of breakdown from a previous relationship that she apparently isn't over yet.
We had a long discussion about it and I was cool about just taking it slow and her to contact with me. She was also in the middle of a job hunt at the time and things went along well. We never had a chance to have another date, but we talked on the phone a bit.
Then things went silent. She was stolen by another job and trying to make it work and haven't heard from her since. There were no replies for the past couple of weeks.
It's a pity, I was getting to be rather fond of her, but I guess it wasn't meant to be.

GD was interesting for about....3 emails. I was thinking of actually giving her a call when I realized a week or so has passed without a reply to my email. Well, I don't think our emails were particularly amazing, and perhaps I WAS a bit prejudiced against what she did, but I didn't see it as a great loss.
Annoying, but whatever. BYE!

I saw an ad on CL that caught my eye and I REALLY wanted a response from (VIC). I spent a total of about 5 hours throughout the day writing, rewriting, condensing, expanding, etc.

Yes. 5 hours. We came from the same basic background and said quite a few things that touched me. Thank god for my G1 Phone where I can readily edit and save my drafts. After all that I was about to hit "send" when I realized I didn't include a picture.
I'm not a picture person. My photos always suck. The latest that I had was of me in New York a few months ago (the previous picture being a VERY unflattering 9 months ago) and sent it on its way.

I got a "WOW!" and it was a lengthy response. Good sign. I got excited as she raved over my letter, but one sentence buried in the 2nd paragraph stopped me cold: "...I was impressed what you wrote not liking the pic but whatever."
Now I think I'm totally over thinking this. Did she LIKE the fact I was hating my own pic, or was she mentioning that she didn't like the pic? I haven't responded yet (planning on monday), to think this over. Besides, I can play it off as a busy weekend (true).

Vowing not to just put all my eggs in one basket, I put out another ad in case this totally collapses. I put an ad that I would hope catch a woman with my basic sexual tastes.
Almost immediately, I got a nibble. we started off great, she was a very attracted girl, but seems like the feeling wasn't mutual.

Does anyone find it extremely ironic that I can easily pick up people and talk them into an orgy, but I have problems just getting one to join me for a simple dinner?

I've said it before, but Dating sucks.