Circling the drain...

The past few weeks have been amazingly troubling and busy, and because of it our time together has shrunk considerably.
Forgive me if this is a bit more rambling than usual, but some details can't be spoken about due to the unusual facets of it.

The lack of time together has been because of conflicting schedules; mine is work, and hers is with her children.
That was expected from the get go and I was good about it.

Lately, there has been some troubles regarding her older son (still a teen) who seems to have had some disciplinary problems.  
It's nothing that my child has hasn't done, but she was smart enough to not get caught and has straightened out.

However, her child HAS been caught in the past and is now facing a charge that is something that could stick with him beyond his childhood years.

The thing that angers me the most is that he STILL doesn't get how serious it is.
While this may sound very selfish, I have a feeling this will also affect the little dating time FF and I are able to accomplish.
It is this fact along with other concerns that have been driving me a little crazy.
I know kids eventually will fly straight, my kid has, but it's just a reminder of the trials and heartaches that raising a child can be.  
Knowing what is ahead terrifies me, but I feel that I have an advantage of "been there, done that" parenting wise, but to say that it is a bit disconcerting is to put it mildly.

To have her crying trying to say that she  "don't want you to think I raise bad kids" while she's on the verge of totally losing it just makes me wonder if I should pull the plug on this or not.

Concerns and Questions...

Been meaning to put these thoughts down for at least a few weeks, but as is typical for me, only an illness that has kept me home provided me the time to be able to allow myself some quiet time to collect my thoughts.

Things have been progressing quite well with FF and I,  however, a few minor things keep creeping up in the back of my mind that just nibble at me:

One thing is our conversations.  They're a bit too simplistic and quite...pedestrian.  All we seem to talk about are our jobs, sex, and kids.   Not that there is anything wrong with either topic, but I like to know her thoughts on current events, political leanings, thoughts for the future.  Additionally, she occasionally gives me a blank stare when I use a word that she hasn't heard before. "Contention" is one of the words that come to mind.  
Now, not to say I'm a brainiac by any stretch of any acid tripper's imagination, but that really throws me.

Another thing, is that as she struggles through her college reading materials, she says she constantly needs to bring out a thesaurus to help her understand.

Wow.

When we talk about what happens after college, she mentions that not only will she stay in the industry she's in (which is low paying to begin with), but will try to maintain her position since she enjoys it so much.

Really?

That seems unnatural for me.   The point of college (or any profession, really), is the ability to climb the ladder of the economic food chain and get more responsibility and get paid for your knowledge and experience.

This kinda' spooks me a bit.
While she is getting a VERY generous child and spousal support from her Ex; there is always a possibility that things can, and will, change.   I wonder if her basically being a housewife for the past 15+ years and being financially dependent on her husband has skewed her view on how she has to concentrate on being a bread winner.

Not that her future wage potential alarms me, but rather the indifference she has towards climbing up the ladder. 

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm feeling a bit woozy and when kitty sounds like she's uttering sentences, that's my Que that I need to lay back down.

"Are you married?" WTF?

During one of our late night meetings, we sat at a table at a chain restuaraunt and we were generally talking about our day, the upcoming holidays and other topics.
As reached for my meal she asked, "Are you married?"
I choose this moment to pop in some pieces of my scalding hot meal and flapped open my mouth trying to cool it down from giving me 3rd degree burns.
"wha? huh?", I said as intelligently sounding as I could considering the freshly fried shrimp was taking revenge in my mouth.
she repeated the question.
"Umm...why?" as I scooped out the last of the offending pieces of my once bitten meal out of my mouth and onto my plate.
I can be as classy as the rest of them.
"You're charming, intelligent, cute, graceful..", she paused
I was busily trying to fish out another ice cube from my glass with my fingers while sucking another in my mouth with my lips puckered like a fish as she said this.
she continued, "...ok. usually.  You seem like an excellent father to your kid...", and she went on for another minute until I regained my senses and stopped her.
Regaining what little composure I have, I reassured her that I am not, have never been, nor am I currently engaged.
I even picked up my phone to dial up my kiddo for verification, but she stopped me. 
She smiled that sweet smile and seemed satisfied and apologized for doubting me.
We finished our small meal and paid, it was time for her to go back home.
"I'm sorry for doubting you, but I just needed to make sure.  Will you accept my apology? I know I must seem a bit crazy, but there have been some weird guys I have dated that turned out to be married."
"No?! REALLY??" I said in my most surprised tone.
"Yeah, you wouldn't believe the creeps a girl runs across." she said.

I didn't want to keep her out, so I patted her on the bottom and kissed her deeply at her car door.
"I really am sorry for sounding like a crazy girl." she repeated.
"No biggie, I understand" I said as I walking away.
"Will you accept a blowjob as part of my apology?" she said with a smile.

I started turning around even before she finished the sentence...

One door opens wider, and trying shutting another.

 The progression between FF and I as a couple, seems to be moving forward.
Seems like she wants me to meet the kids within the next few weeks or so.
Personally, I think it's a bit too soon, but it's something she wants to happen, so I'm not going to argue too much about it.

She continues to tell me about her variety of Craig's list posts and responses she confessed that one in which one that she answered for a massage went much further than she intended.  She asked if I would be opposed to go one with her.

My comment was that I'd probably make it worse and have both of the guys do her instead.
She just giggled about it and we let the matter drop.  Either way, things seems to be on the road to be more serious between us.


Since she still actively goes on CL for a variety of reasons, I'm not going to get into too much of what she specifically looks for or anything.



A few hours later, as I was writing ANOTHER post, Andi came up on one of my IM's.


Andi says:
 Hello
 how was your thanksgiving?
RIV says:
 Hey there. how are you?  Doing okay, worked it mostly.
Andi says:
 so whats new?
RIV says:
 Not too much. Might be meeting my g/fs kids in a week or two.

Andi says:
 cool
 Nervewracking ..meeting the kids huh?
 oh wow
 RIV says:
 Yes, I think it's a bit soon, but if that's what she wants, I can't really argue about it.  She's the best judge on that.
If things work out, I might get married sometime in the next two years or so as well, but we'll see.*
Andi says:
 oh wow
 thats great 
RIV says:
 yeah, she's freshly divorced, so I have to take it easy.
Andi says:
 I get that
 Meeting the kids is a big step..so one thing at a time
RIV says:
 I'm sure you do, the divorce was final just recently.
Andi says:
 Okay
 I could think of no other appropriate response to that ..lol
RIV says:
 LOL. not much you can say to that, really.
Andi says:
 I guess not
RIV says:
 I've been rather gunshy with divorcee's as of late.. had two other ones bail because they weren't ready.
Andi says:
 I dont blame you there..i dated way before I was ready and well it was a disaster
 I am in a much better place now
RIV says:
 Exactly.
 Which is why I'm actively encouraging her to meet other guys.
Andi says:
 Okay
 I can see that
 Can I tell you something?
RIV says:
 sure.
Andi says:
 I feel like everytime I talk to you , I want to tell you thanks for talking to me again.. I know it sounds nuts but thanks for the second chance.
RIV says:
 Oh. Okay.
 To be honest with you, you didn't get a second chance.  You dropped off my dating radar.
Andi says:
 I know that but I am glad we can be friends at least
 i am the same way as you , I am not forgiving when people are like I was.
 I can close a chapter with the best of them
Rick says:
 surely.
Andi says:
 Its a regret though.. but anyway I should finish this marketing project
 Have a good night..
RIV says:
 G'nite.
Andi says:
 thanks for clarifying that for me, I assumed as much. have a really good christmas in case I dont catch you. I am really glad to hear things are working out for you.  But I am sorry about us.
RIV says:
 No problem.  Take care.
Andi says:
 One last thing, its the most important. I hope you get all the happiness you deserve, you are priceless.

With that, she logged off before I had a chance to reply.  


I continued working on that "OTHER" post and a few minutes later, she was back and the conversation turned decidedly sexual in tone.


This is NOT what I was expecting after that chat.  
We wound up watching part of the Star Wars marathon together and had the oddest convos.


"Luke would be such a BORING lay" would be one of the comments uttered by her.
"How does Darth Masturbate in that thing?" she said at one point.
"Probably uses the 'Force'." I typed without even a pause to think about it. 


Somehow, in our typical rambling way, the conversation turned to the parties I throw**, and hinted she'd be interested, but I can't be there unless I was her "partner."


A few minutes after it started to turn into cybersex, I just said I needed to go to bed and called it a night and told her I had to get ready for bed. 
I'm sure it was quite frustrating for her.  


A few minutes later I got a text from her, "I never seen you run so fast before."
I ignored it and crashed.


* While I'm not sure if FF and I are going there anytime soon, I'd thought I'd throw that out there to see if I can plant that I really don't want her contacting me.  I can be TOO subtle at times.  
** She doesn't know the extent or the blog, and I doubt if she ever will. 

Incidentals, updates, emails, etc...

I've been far too busy to put up regular posts on things, so this is a heavily abridged version.

-Updates:

FF and I have been getting along just fine, met up a few times here and there, but our conflicting schedules will make it almost impossible for us to meet for the  next couple of weeks.
Theoretically.  It might be sooner.

One of the things she mentioned was that she was still going on "dating interviews" with other guys.
She complained how some were running the spectrum of the reasons as why she was rejecting them.
When she got down to "He was too 'Hand-sy'" I had to simply pull over and laugh.

"Really?"
"Yes, he was too forward."
"Compared to OUR first meeting??"
She allowed that we WERE a BIT comfortable with each other and droned on for a bit about it.
I just let it pass.

She asked if I was okay with it, and I totally played it cool.  Last thing I need is ANOTHER instance of a woman backing off because she wasn't ready.


Within the past couple of days, she's been particularly moody, she snapped out of one of her bouts to confide that the decree has been written up and that the divorce should be final within a week or so.
After telling me this, she breaks down over the phone and just hates it and wonders why he's being an ass about some issues.
I calm her down a bit and told her I understood, but that the road doesn't end there, when it comes to divorce with kids, it'll extend out for years.

She didn't like that response, but I thought it would be best not to mince words on the truth:  Divorce is ugly.
Calming down after a bit, she wanted to continue the convo on text because she didn't feel like she can hold it together.

"I'm sorry, I'm acting this way, it's my first divorce."
Yeah. It sucks.

Comments/Emails:

Quite a few people have asked why don't we just "get a room" and it's quite simple, because of her situation, she needs to be able to get home fairly quickly, so with the exception of a date a bit ago we stick to necking in cars.

Plus if feels dirty that way...dirty is fun.

There is also a need for her to be fairly close to home, the unique nature of the custody of the kids, doesn't allow me to tell any specifics about it.  Basically, she needs to be able to get home in a fairly short amount of time on short notice.

Working hard, looking for a goal, with visions in my head

Pardon me for the weird(er) shit that I'm typing out than usual.

I've been working solid since my personal Madoff, I gotta raise money for my kids college tuition and my trip to a little party I have planned, plus some other plans I have in mind.

Usually there is a sound track of what is going on in my mind and lately some young angry Billy Joel comes up:




But lately, I had a few lucky breaks and an epiphany that I simply need to let things happen and that my overall long term goals aren't as far as I had initially imagined.  What really helped was listening to this song that I "discovered" on the radio.



I think I'm going to follow that path next year and maybe a month vacation and bum around on a beach and support the local beer/vodka/Scotch industry, I work too damned much.

I want my cartoon network!

You know, I've had a rough couple of days and needing some laughs, I tune into the cartoon network for some Family guy, Robot Chicken, and Metalocalypse (my newest addictions).
I'm greeted with an image that chills my heart:

Effective Sept. 22, 2009

Comcast Customers

will need to have a digital converter box in order to

receive Cartoon Network

Call 1-800Blahblahblah

My heart sank. 
No big deal.  I'll just call them later, upgrade my service a tad, get Cable Cards (to bypass the lousy box) and everything will be right in the world.

When I woke up, first thing I did was call them.*  I cheerfully asked for an upgrade and a couple of media cards.**

"Okay sir, no problem."

"Great. Didn't know how dependent I was on the Cartoon Network until it went away."

"Umm....sir? You still need the box."

"What?"

"You need to have the box if you still want that network."

He went on to give me Techno-babble about the reasoning behind it, basically saying that it's no longer broadcast on the analog, just digital.

"Cool.  Upgrade me to that package, and get me the cards."  What's an extra 10-15 bucks a month, eh?

"Sir, you still need the converter box for it."

"What? I have to get the HD Package to get it?" Fuck. Okay. My old TV is dying, been waiting to get a new HD one.***  I immediately start my inner debate between Plasma and LCD.  39-42 inches should do. Oh yeah!  Plus, Blu-ray!  Hmm...I wonder what Blu-Ray porn would look like on that screen?

"Sorry Sir, you will still need to get the Box."  He said it with THAT tone that one uses when speaking to an exceptionally slow child, of which I'm sure I was starting to sound at this point.

He continued to explain for a bit.

A cable box.  I don't WANT a cable box!  I have a clean looking system!

"Okay. Let me get this straight. If I got the ultra-high end package with HD, and just use the cable card right into my TiVO; I can get ALL the channels, right?"

"Correct, sir.  Except for the Cartoon Network."

How BADLY do I want this damned Network?

"Okay. Cool.  I'll decide later and I appreciate your help.   But can I talk to a Tech person, I'm trying to wrap my head around this. Nothing personal, I'm just not getting it."

"No problem, Sir. Quite a few people don't."

Lovely.

After a few moments on hold, I get a tech and she explains to me the same techno-babble the sales guy did.

"REALLY?"

"Yes, Sir. No matter what package you have, to you HAVE to have that cable box.  The media cards won't do it. There is no additional cost to get a box."

"That's not really the point, I don't WANT a box!"

"Sorry, Sir!"

I thank her, and out of politeness I wished her a good day and hung up. I was enraged.

Fuck.  I guess I'll go get a cable box, but I still better be able to record two programs at once, damnit!

I swear, it's a conspiracy by the Cable box industry!

Now I'm depressed again.

Damn you, Robot Chicken and Metalocalypse! Why must you be so...entertaining!

*God, Maybe I AM depressed!

** I heart my TIVO. Really. Buy one.  All you have to do is plug the buggers in and voila! No need for a box!

*** I said I took a hit, but I'm not destitute!

"There but by the grace of God go I"

The well known utterance by John Bradford, who actually said; ""There but for the grace of God, goes John Bradford."
Anyway.
There has been a number of fellow bloggers who appear that their worlds have been shaken by some personal calamity of some nature, whether its financial, emotional, or marital.  Being keenly aware of what seems to be a chain of drama, I was wondering when it was going to hit someone I knew.
Little did I realize how true my prediction would be, but I didn't think it was going to be ME!
I'm continuously aware of how one's fortune is incredibly tenuous at times. More-so than most people actually believe, really.  It's not merely those that are very poor that can go down a slide, but those of the super rich as well.
Madoff and Stanford are those that decided that the wealthy need a blow to their egos and get ripped off.  The ones that have been on the news after such issues just seem to be in a major state of shock when they find themselves, quite literally penniless overnight.

Whenever I see someone who is less fortunate or going through some trial in life, I always say a small prayer giving thanks, that I am not in their position and strive hard to not to be in the same situation.

Without getting into too much details, I can say I had my own Madoff, but on a VERY smaller scale.
Basically, most of my liquid assets were totally wiped out.
Not to say I'm broke, I still have other savings, but some things need to be pushed back a bit.  Needless to say I was more than a little peeved about the whole thing.
After talking to Starfish, Football Fan, and some other friends about it (and in slightly greater detail) they were amazed on how calm I was.
I wasn't screaming, crying, throwing tantrums, or cursing.
Well, maybe I was cursing a little.
To me, it just simply seemed like a waste of energy and I needed to take stock and form a plan of action.
I took a day off to recover and drown my sorrows in pasta, eventually coming to the realization that I am going to survive, that I can recover from this, that nothing has changed.
I mean, aside from being a little lighter in the pockets and my waistline took a massive hit, there was little or no damage.

My only major concern was some immediate expenses that needed to be looked after and a trip that I am planning.*  

Well, maybe one more concern.

After I hung up the phone in a slight case of depression and a prolonged Texting convo with FF, I asked her the following:

"So does this change things?"
"What does?" she eventually responded.
"My being broke."  She doesn't know the extent of my finances, not that they are THAT extensive.
"Why do you say that?"
"Well, you seemed fairly concerned about it and asked. Remember?" I wondered if she genuinely forgot.
"Did I sound that shallow to you when I asked that question? Really am sorry if I did.  I don't care, I like you for who you are."
"Thanks."
"We will just have cheap dates for a bit.  Maybe more smooching and fewer movies."

That set my mind at ease, she went on to apologize again for a bit longer and eventually told her that I wanted to be alone and sulk.

My time of my pity party is over, though. 
Time to pick myself up and move on and get to work.
Still, it was a perfectly good waste of an excuse to get totally wasted on Vodka, but I can't afford it right now.  I'll make an appointment to be depressed around April, I should be able to afford another good bender by then.



*Yes. I'm still throwing that party, but it's now an act of defiance.  I'll stick to that story.

Ironing the main wrinkles

My distaste for texting a potential girlfriend rises and falls like a wave.  It all depends on the conversation in which it is HOPED that the context isn't overthought out or minimized.

She's walking around behind her kids while they shop around for clothes:

FF: Hey!
Me: HEY!
FF: Working?
Me: No. Just out of shower. I'm squeaky.
FF: Can you make me squeaky?
Me: depends on what you're talking about, but I have made you squeal a few times.
FF: That's what I was meaning.

We go on for a few minutes with some semi-innocent banter for a few minutes and then:

FF: I don't like this. Just frustrated by how much I think of you already.
Me: Oh. Hate it when that happens.  Do you need a break?
FF: DON'T YOU DARE! Don't even think about leaving my brain.
Me: LOL. Ok. I seem to remember you saying you wanted to ate other men so you don't make the same mistake.
FF: I'm trying to find guys to date...not working out yet.
Me:  I hear ya'. Dating can suck.
FF:   I don't think I made mistakes last time.
Me: Oh? I think you alluded to the fact that you picked the wrong guy.*
FF:  No.  I don't think I choose wrong. Made bad decision to go back to him.
Me: That I can understand and appreciate.

With that, she disappeared failing to complete the conversation.
I'm getting used to this, so I just close the phone and then in frustration I yank my cats tail as a means to vent.**



* During our first meeting, she explained that her husband had cheated on her once before.
**Don't worry, she likes that and a good spanking.   No kitties were harmed in the making of this conversation or blog.

Cranial Ex-lax a mid year recap!

You know, I with Sharon's parting, its kinda' hard not to take the departure and my lack of successful dating in stride at times.
I was bemoaning my problems with a couple of people when they just looked at me like I was insane.  From what I have been *TOLD*, my I've been a rather prolific dater.
Really?
Prolific?
IS that something to strive for?
A couple of fellow blogger friends have commented that they wished they dated/Laid as much as I have.
What?  Really?

Feel free to skip this portion and go to see the women in my past.
Let's do a mid-year recap:

I've dated EIGHT (8) women since I've started this blog.
Believe it or not there have been two or three others that were so insigificant that I erased them from my memory!

One is a workahalic mother of 7 (or is that 6?) kids who was freshly divorced and proclaimed herself too insane to date.  Plus she didn't like my hobby.*  Several drama filled months of that crap.

Next was a psychic reader/hippy chick (translation: would have been KINKY!) who had some financial and distance issues.  Disaster was written all over it. Done.

Lumens, who we went on a date or two and then disappeared after she said she found a different job and boyfriend.

Then there was KS, a chick who initially answered a gangbang ad and then thought about dating as well.  Oddly enough, she saw me nude on the first "date" at a party and haven't seen her since.**

Lauren, Lovely woman. I liked her, but I don't think there was any chemistry. It was somewhat a relief when she pulled the cord and jumped off.

Latina:*** was hoping for some sort of connection as far as heritage goes****, only to find out she has some really odd ticks and has some strange conspiracy theories.

Teaser: The first girl who googled my original email and found this blog and made me go into a total panic.  We've met in, what I think, a bad case of timing.  I have some drama and work issues that is taking quite a bit of my time, while she is innudated with work and having time issues as well. Not to mention she's thinking of heading out of state.

I mean, C'mon!
Yes, that's only a partial list of the women I've dated, but you get the point.
While I don't plan on giving up dating, you can see how it's a bit daunting.
Just hard to figure out what women are thinking at times when they put themselves out there.  There have been a few expectations where they want every man they meet is a male hunk with blonde hair, blue eyes, that earns 6 figures.

How can a typical putz compete with such expectations?




*God knows what she would have said if she knew the entire extent of it.
**Maybe that had something to do with it? 
***What's up with all the "L"s?
**** Remind me to write a rant about Latin/Mexican chicks on why I generally don't date them.

Cranial Fecal Matter

Blogging (of different genre's) has always been a way for some of us to document our lives, the world around us, to make a difference, or simply be our own cheap therapy session.

Being a Dating blogger (as well a Sex blogger), what we post on here, for the most part, is a snippet of our lives. A snapshot, if you will.  Different snap shots at different times and places.  Very rarely will anyone make the abstract jump as to HOW we get from here to there. 
It's akin to taking a trip starting from one end of the nation to the other, tell you I'm there; but not mentioning the route I took, the foods that were eaten, or the oddities that are seen, witnessed, or done.
In quite a few ways, I feel like I'm cheating you (the eight readers that read this drivel) by not saying what happened in between the stories that I have posted.
While, I'm not proclaiming that my life, in any way, shape, or form is something that I would even consider fascinating,  I am open to comments or questions to both of my blogs as to what happened in between posts. While it may not be fascinating to me, it might fill in an answer for you.

I got that out of the way:

Unless I wish to start an additional blog (under this or another pseudonym) in which I'd talk about other things that interest me. My drivel might start being even more....drivel-ish. Due to my life being in a bit of a hectic, my dating has come to an abrupt stop, but I am still doing the occasional CL for playmates/Girlfriends.
The things I've been considering writing about things that occur to me on a daily basis, or wish to open a dialogue about things. My reading list, is a bit of a clue on my interests, but my life isn't simply contained between my legs (although, to be honest, I would LOVE for someone to be constantly between them), but rather in my mind that is in a frenzy search of answers.

A wide variety of questions always seem to come into my head but with few people to talk about it with and explore.  It's not that I don't' have a close group of friends or even friends with high intelligence, but more like topics that simply doesn't register as having any importance in their lives.  

Questions of "Are you or I considered 'evil' to other people?", "If Hitler got accepted to Art school, what would the world be like?", "What is it like to be in Hawking's or Einstein's brain?", "How in the world did someone have the guts to TRY to eat a ginger root?", and "Do Assholes KNOW they're assholes?"


There is so much in my head, but I realize quite a number of you probably don't care of what goes on inside my head, but hey; It's my blog and if I get this caffeinated again, lord knows what you'd find.


FYI: This post took an hour and a half to write and deleted 90% of it.  Heaven help y'all if I decide to post the echos in my head.

Caught! Enter The Teaser

Having put up a ad on CL a couple of weeks ago, I waited for the responses to trickle in and it didn't take long.

After the intial group was fine, but it wasn't for me and eventually dropped the conversations.

One of my favorites was a woman whose responses were three or four words typed from her blackberry.

After I'd asked her what she was up to for the weekend, her response:

"Probably spend it with kiddos."

Okay.
Being the kind of guy who wants to engage in a conversation, I responded; "Oh? Cool? What are the ages? I'm thinking about heading to a movie and...blah..blah..blah"

Response was simply their ages and it sounded like fun. (!)
I went on and discussed general stuff and the response was always two or three words.
After about a day, I was wondering if she was trying to blow me off, "Are you a woman of few words, or is it just a pain to type on a blackberry?"

"Not short of words just while driving."
"You know, you could always just type when you have time and then hit send."

She laughed, but the pattern continued.
I finally got sick of it after a few more hours and blew her off.

Just because there is an email in your crackberry doesn't mean you have to send a short letter instantly!  I mean, really, when dealing with someone you're pursuing a relationship with, we can handle a little delay between emails if there is a bit of substance to it.

Another of the candidates I have been emailing seemed to get along quite well.  We seemed to have the same general interests and I was fairly optimistic.

During a lull in my day, I started reading an email from her and while the initial tone gave me caution,  she had stumbled across something incriminating.  While I suspected she MIGHT have come across the blog, I wasn't going to confirm or deny anything until I knew WHAT she found.  She strongly hinted that perhaps it was better to just call the whole thing off.
I feigned innocence and asked what she found?  I was fairly certain she didn't find the blog, but probably got me confused with some OTHER idiot.
The next letter contained two links two both of my blogs.   While I was in a store at the time, it was all I could do to giving a visible reaction.   In my mind, I ran around screaming like a little girl and wondering what to do.

Outside, I was the calm cool demeanor that I try to exude....but for a bit there, I thought I wet myself a little bit.

She went on to explain that her ex husband and her both into "The Lifestyle" and didn't think she could go down that road.  After I explained that I was sincere that I am open to changing my ways, she was more than a bit skeptical.
Not that I blame her in the least, but I believe we can.

She continued reading portions of both of my blogs and seems to be coming around.   I have no idea why, but she seems to.  So this should be interesting.

HI HON!

Good byes and hello's?

Having a particularly rough day, I couldn't resist but to send KM a simple text.

"For what it's worth, Happy Mother's day."

My intent was that, I wished to continue our conversation and try to be less harsh to her and see where she wants this go to.

"Nice. You're an idiot."

Okay.  That doesn't say much, so I simply responded:

"That isn't exactly a secret, Y'know."

Nothing since.
For whatever its worth, I think I blew it, but I don't think it was much of a loss.

While just sitting watching TV for another hour or so, my phone buzzed.

Andi.
We talked for a bit, she wanted to know how I was, so I relayed some of the recent (Vanilla) drama in my life and mentioned my previous "Conversation" with KM in the vaguest of terms.
She mentioned she recently had a falling out with a guy she was "seeing" for a bit as well. 
We really didn't cover any new ground, except that she said she'd try harder and, once again, apologized for being such a wishy-washy person.

We hung up on better terms than we did last time, but I'm still apprehensive as to what she has in mind.

I guess its time to put up another ad.

STUPID, STUPID, STUPID ME!

Looking at my phone, I saw the subject matter of the latest email:

Lauren wants to connect to you on Yahoo!

WTF?
I reread the title several times.
In fact, I may have done it at least 10 times before I finally opened the email.

It was a typical "Let's connect on Yahoo."
Sitting on the email for a few hours, I accepted the "Invitation" and waited, but being an impatient person, I decided to send her a message:

Hey there,
How're you doing?  Is everything okay with you?
Was a bit surprised about the invitation.

I mean, even though she broke off our dating suddenly, I wished her no malice.

Several hours later, while nodding off at an awards dinner my phone was buzzing.
Praying it was an alien polite enough to abduct me from my current circle of hell, or perhaps even the Grim Reaper offering to take me out of my suffering; instead I receive the following:

I'm good, how are you?
What invitation?

Aw shit!  I had forwarded the original "invitation" while before taking another stab at what is supposed to be chicken on my plate.
I explain the situation to Starfish, when she came up a plausible story:


Could it be that she just signed up for yahoo and it automatically sent out the "invitation."



It has been a number of years since I signed up, so I couldn't come up with an alternative theory. Now, I'm dealing with a door I accidently opened that should have remained closed.

STUPID!  I should have just ignored it!

Additionally:  I haven't had any takers on my latest ad and no new takers, which is just as well.  Being busy with the party and all, plus some other drama in my life and job, I just don't have time for any real dating for the next couple of weeks at least.


I think I need to take another couple of weeks off and go on a bender for a bit. 

Wave off and a test of will power

I was rather ahead of schedule for our first meeting by at least 20 minutes, so I figure I'd give her a quick call to let her know and if she wanted me to order a drink for her.
She didn't answer and it eventually went to voice mail.
Didn't think about it too much at the time, since I was pondering smacking my car into a hummer that was a little too close for comfort.
Two minutes later, my phone rang:
"Hey! I'm sorry I didn't answer, I JUST got home."
"That's cool. Worked late?"
"Yeah, boss kept me running around all day.
"So you REALLY do need that drink, hm? I can wait a bit longer if you need the time to freshen up."
"Actually, I'm bushed, can we make it for another day? Like maybe Wednesday? I'm sorry!"
"Sure, no problem, I have work to do anyway."

Which is true, it was going to be a busy night and the traffic was putting me in a bad mood.

This isn't the first time I got a wave off on a first date, so I didn't let it get to me.


At 4 in the morning, during the night, I realized that i was within a couple of blocks of KM's home, for some inexplicable reason I found myself driving by.
Within a few short moments, I saw the darkened home with her car out front.
I wistfully look at the spot where we had had our first encounter.

Sitting for a few moments, I scribbled the following on a piece of paper:

I do miss you.
Wish you were in my life still, but I'm not angry. Reconsider.
R.

The 30 second walk to her car seemed like forever and the wiper seemed unusually heavy as I slipped it underneath.

I stood there for an eternity watching the moisture from the windshield cling to my paper.
Fuck that.
Grabbing the paper, I threw it into the gutter on the way back to the car.

Shit.

So Long Lauren

Struggling to wake up, I automatically reached for my phone for any messages, and as usual, I had some.
Rolling over to read the various text and email messages, I noticed Lauren sent an email.
She usually sends me some snarky remark relating to something happening in my life.
It wasn't something I was expecting:

Essentially, she has been dating someone else before we had met and it has recently took a more serious turn and she wanted to see it go.  I had suspected she was dating someone else, but that didn't bother me; we weren't serious at the time and it wasn't an issue.  However, I am feeling a bit sore at myself for not making more of an effort to see her, but despite her being relatively close to me, our schedules were against us.  This added to my not having much vested emotionally to her, or rather, each other.

After some thought, I sent her the following: 
Look, don't worry about it.  I am ok with it since our schedules and everything wasn't really falling in place and didn't think it was very fair to you either.
I do wish you the best with your education and career, as well as your relationship.

Obviously there is a bit more to that, but I also included an invitation to a party if she is interested in.

Oh well, it was fun, now that I feel better (Finally!), I'm going to repost the ad I put up earlier this year.

Just a quick one...

Since I've been laid up, I've literally had nothing to do but watch movies, curse my cat, and read blogs.
Hell, I can't even really talk on the phone because of this blasted cough, but I can drive for short periods of time just to get out of this bloody place.

On my other blog, I recently was talking about a blog going away that I'm going to miss, but there has been a close call with another blog. After going through a rough patch with some people associated with, she thought about taking the blog private.  Due to a barrage of comments asking her not to give in, she decided to keep posting like she had done so previously.  It is my hope that this will stem the tide of some very popular blogs that have been going to black in the past few months, among my favorites, which is a shame.


This is an example of why I always tell people to keep the details of their blogs vague enough where people can't pinpoint information about them.  
I happen to live in a large city, and therefore am able to hide more easily, even though I give some details that yet to be seen on any other blogs.  My expectations are that there is enough traffic overall that people won't be able to pin down who is who.

In my last post, I mentioned my fondness of certain movies and what my idealized (maybe totally unrealistic) view of romance.  Well, so happens they are running "The Quiet Man" on TMC on the 17th of March at 8PM EST.
Given this is on St. Patrick's day, everyone should be a bit on the bombed side, so be sure to set up your TiVos or other DVR's. 
I think you ladies might appreciate the movie, though.

On the dating front, I got a nice little offline IM from Andi;
"Haven't heard from you in awhile, how have you been? Call me?"
OMG, is she serious?
After giving it a couple of hours, debating whether or not to reply, I tapped in my message:
"You already know the deal, or haven't you been listening?"

Hopefully she will get the hint, or she simply doesn't want to let go.

My Fantasy, My Wish, My Happily Ever After...IDEALLY

Earlier in the evening, I had a nice casual date with Lauren at a nice little TGIF's (Ew).  She had some personal problems over the past weekend and we talked about it a great deal before we got to talking about things in general.   Just like with Katy, it was a nice casual talk about nothing.  She noted that I didn't look like my mutual self and asked if I had fully recovered, a coughing fit a few seconds later answered her question.
It was a good dinner and I think we needed it to establish whether or not our rapport was genuine. I'm still trying to make up my mind about it.  Making a mental note, I need to try to go out with her more to see if there is a connection there.

Bear with me, I'm all hopped up on Nyquil and Cough Syrup on only a few hours of sleep and if this post makes absolutely no sense, don't worry, I'll edit it when I'm sober-ish.

I'm sitting up emptying out my TiVo of all the programs that have been piling up in the past.  The only things that are on are a few movies that I like watching over and over whitch are VERY idealized romantic movies called, "The Quiet Man" and "The American President."
In fact, right now I'm watching "The Quiet Man" and I get a bit wispy watching it.
Yes.
Me.
The guy who has been a single guy forever who, up until recently, didn't think anything about one night stands.
Fact is, that the two movies are the way I want my IDEALIZED relationship to be.
TQM in particular strikes a chord, for the few girls that haven't discovered the movie, it basically deals with a man (John Wayne) coming back to his roots and falls in love with a traditional girl and hell insues as he tries to make sense of traditions and the silliness he sees on courtship.
God damnit, I WANT the silliness.
Without giving too much away, I am a bit of a traditionalist in some things.  I want someone with the same (general) common background.
No, I don't want a happy house wife; I want a partner. 
I want a woman who I will gladly fight for, and a woman who will not only fight FOR me, but fight against my own stupidity.
Yes. I acknowledge the fact that we men, have a tendency to be more than a little stupid at times.
The way I see it, our spouses are supposed to bring out the best in the people they share their life with.

Okay, so sometimes we may do it kicking as screaming, but in the end, we generally need it.

Well, maybe I'm just talking about myself, but you may nod silently to yourself and I won't tell.


The thing is that I want a woman that has the same basic traditions that I do; who won't bend over to my will and stand up to me when its needed.

Thing is, I thought I came fairly close to that a few times and I was hoping I struck gold recently, but it wasn't meant to be.
To add to being "traditional" as far as a relationship or marriage goes, IDEALLY she would like some of my interests as well.
I know I've discussed this in a previous post, but it still bugs me on what I TRULY want in a relationship and which would win out the most?
If looking for both qualities in a woman, would that lead me on a chase for the Holy Grail that I may never find?  Would it be enough for me to only find half of what I'm looking for to give up looking for either that "Traditional" girl or "Nympho?"

It just makes me wonder.

Excuse me, I have to go ponder sobering up before I go to sleep.

Sure, my life has no drama...

On my way to work yesterday evening, I needed to go ahead and push forward with meeting Lauren to see what kind of chemistry is there before deciding to put up another ad or not.
Giving her a quick call, we have some social niceties before I just cut to the chase and ask her if she wants to go to a movie and dinner on Sunday.
She quickly accepts, but I can tell there was something she wanted to ask, but chose not to continue.

We talk about a movie, she approves, and then I promise we'll talk about firming up the time as the day draw near.

Yeah. I know. I'm such a romantic.
Shut up.

As my day progresses, I get a text.
Hmm....gee..who sends texts....
KM!
Yeah, I'm surprised too. Here's the entire conversation, of which I can't figure out what she's trying to say:

KM: "What are you up to?"
Me: "Not much."
KM: "Working?"
Me: "Sorta. You?" Translation: "Cut to the chase. You dropped me."
KM: "On my porch reflecting. Letting you go was difficult."
Me: "Ok. I didn't expect to hear from you this quickly." Which I didn't. Ever.
KM: "I am sorry."
Me: "About what?"
KM: "Everything."
Me: "Oh. Okay."
20 minute pause.
Me: "I guess that was all then."

WTF what all that about? Can a woman translate that for me? Am I over-thinking this? What really made it awkward was the fact that I just happen to be 4 blocks away when the texting started.  It was hard not to turn the car around.

I know this goes onto my OTHER blog, but it just shows how weird my dating/other life, is sometimes.

Katy:  "Hey.  Really enjoyed the other morning."
Me:    "So did I.  Look forward to it again."
Katy:  "When is a party? I want about 6 guys."
Me:    "Okay. March?"
Katy:  "That would be awesome."

Now to get a party organized too..

THE Talk

Showing up at the IHOP, RIGHT at 6:30.
KM is no where in sight.
Great.

At 7pm, I see her walking in, give me a kiss, and sit down.
We start with idle chit chat and talking about the usual stuff.
"So, what IS the talk?" I want to cut to the chase.
"Well..." she started....
Just like I had mentioned in another post, she didn't have time, but as I have put together this past weekend, she had no real desire to be with me. She enjoyed my company, but didn't feel the need to share what little free time she had with me, but she wanted to remain friends.
She stopped after 10 minutes and looked at me.

"Yes?" I asked.
"Are you okay with this?"
"I suspected it for quite some time. the question is, what are 'Friends?' I can't send you any smooching texts, naughty texts, we can't smooch, I can't hold you while we watch movies.
In other words, what is there left?"
She had no answer.
"I didn't expect you to be this calm about it. I was hoping you'd walk away, this would have been much easier on the both of us."
"The easy way out is for cowards. The Ball is in your court."

We talked about it back and forth for a bit, our waitresses knew something was up. They were there since the beginning of our dinners and have grown rather comfortable with us.
"Do you guys need anything else?" The youngest asked as she brought my dinner.
"No."
"Are you guys okay?"
"No. We're breaking up." I casually said as I cut into my steak.
"That sucks man. You two are my favorite!" and she walked off.
We both smiled at her response.
"Yeah, it sucks," I repeated.
We continued talking and pretty much told her to not to worry about me and that I'll be perfectly fine.
"Well, you're going to have to tell me what the parameters I need to follow with being friends with you. You contact me when you're ready."
She was still at a loss as to what else to say.
"Well, I need to....well...want to leave." she was on the verge of breaking down. no one could possibly tell, but I read her facial expressions.
"I assume you don't want me to walk you to your car."
Her lip quivering as she gave a quiet "no."
"Then goodbye."
With that, she quickly grabbed her purse and walked out as fast as she could.
The waitresses came by offering me an ice cream cone, but I refused.
I sat there for a bit, sucking down the last of my drink.
It was a full 5 minutes before I saw her car left the lot.
She must have been crying.
Leaving the money on the table and heading towards the door, a voice came up behind me.
"Does that mean you're not coming back again?"
"Unless she is with me, I have no reason to. Goodluck, kids."
With that, I walked off not looking back