Circling the drain...

The past few weeks have been amazingly troubling and busy, and because of it our time together has shrunk considerably.
Forgive me if this is a bit more rambling than usual, but some details can't be spoken about due to the unusual facets of it.

The lack of time together has been because of conflicting schedules; mine is work, and hers is with her children.
That was expected from the get go and I was good about it.

Lately, there has been some troubles regarding her older son (still a teen) who seems to have had some disciplinary problems.  
It's nothing that my child has hasn't done, but she was smart enough to not get caught and has straightened out.

However, her child HAS been caught in the past and is now facing a charge that is something that could stick with him beyond his childhood years.

The thing that angers me the most is that he STILL doesn't get how serious it is.
While this may sound very selfish, I have a feeling this will also affect the little dating time FF and I are able to accomplish.
It is this fact along with other concerns that have been driving me a little crazy.
I know kids eventually will fly straight, my kid has, but it's just a reminder of the trials and heartaches that raising a child can be.  
Knowing what is ahead terrifies me, but I feel that I have an advantage of "been there, done that" parenting wise, but to say that it is a bit disconcerting is to put it mildly.

To have her crying trying to say that she  "don't want you to think I raise bad kids" while she's on the verge of totally losing it just makes me wonder if I should pull the plug on this or not.

A moment of panic.

In the middle of working, I got the following:

"Baby...as a reward for finishing classes. Want to take kids and I to the movies Saturday afternoon?"

The second sentence hit me like a thunderbolt.
Isn't this a BIT soon?  She IS freshly divorced.

I mean, she has that fresh divorce smell, a hubby that is hyper-sensitive (even though he initiated it).

10 minutes later, I pick up the phone and we discuss this.
I lost.
Of course, I didn't try that hard to win.
It has begun.
With a whimper a new stage of the relationship has started.


In my gut I still feel its WAAAAY too early to be introduced as "The Boyfriend" to her kids, but I can't think of a proper time to do it.

Aw fuck.

Celibacy...what's that? date updates and catching up.

Well, I've had two dates with her since I last wrote but I've simply been too busy with work, drama, and FF to able to keep up so here is a basic update for the 3 three readers that seem to care. :)

Our date a couple of weeks ago, we tried a simple movie night at her place.
We never made it beyond 30 minutes before clothing started to fall off.

The sex was wild, it was insane, it was JUST this side of rough.
My god how she gushed, it was awesome.
Of course, I HAD to drink up every oz I could; it would be a shame to get it on her couch.

This past weekend, we tried for the celibacy thing again.
Destination:  The Greek Festival.
Damn.  There was rain.  We divert to a mexican joint I love.
We're sitting there and talking.
I love the city.  Vibrant, colorful, tons to do.
"I hope to move near here soon." as I was scooping in some of my tasty meal.
"You like living in town?"
It was that TONE. 
"Yes, near baseball, the museums, theater, etc. I love it."
"So you're not interested in a house?"  I didn't spot it this time.
"Oh, Hell no.  I've done the house thing. Gimme a condo or townhome."
The discussion then went to how she loves the 'burbs.  The quiet.  The peace.

I almost gagged on my breakfast.
Been there. Done that. Hated it.
I mean, not that there is anything wrong with it, but it's not for ME!

The conversation was interrupted by our server and our collective ADD switched topics to a favorite topic: Food.

The date ended with a serious smooching/eating session, as usual in my car.  Go fig.

we managed to meet for a late night dinner or two and things seemed to go well.

Then yesterday I get a text:

Her: "Why do we orture ourselves with dating when we know we can't agree where to live if we're together?"







WTF? Where did THAT come from?  During some of our talks, I suggested a public school within the city that specializes in the career he was interested in.  Since she was new to the city, she had no idea it existed and seemed somewhat taken aback that such an opportunity was there.

We texted a bit furiously after that and asked her if she just wanted to call it off, she responded with the following:

"I won't bring it up again. Friend just advised me o grow up and live for what I've got and not plan for future but let things happen."

Lord how people over-analyze things when they're dating.

Texting promises, concerns, AND a prank...

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Random odd shit

First off, I'm dressed and ready.

Not going to get super dressed because I have to work tonight and want to be comfortable, but I want to show I CAN clean up properly.

Another thing that has been going through my mind is religion.
Having been raised Catholic, it took quite a bit to change my outlook on life and free myself of most of those bonds, but I have always held on (in a kinda of love/hate kinda' way) to my faith of sorts. I mean, considering what I like to do and have lived my life, I can SO burn in hell.

Then that's when I realized a cool factor with Catholicism; we can confess and all our sins would be forgiven.
I imagine it's akin to writing all your sinful actions on an etch a sketch (albeit a large one for me), handing it to a priest (or God, whatever), having him turn it over and shake it; WOO! Clean slate!

Last night I had several odd dreams, one of which I had a beard when I met my date and she ran away.
Not that I blame her, I tried growing a beard several years ago, I gave up when I figured I was going to look like a Taliban member that smelled of Old Spice.

My other dream related to what I touched briefly in my last post: How to see how kinky they are?

In my head I asked her after the 2nd date (I'm an optimist)the following:
"What would you say to a threesome, either with guys or girls?"
"Do you believe in 'Barny's' saying, 'Caring means sharing' applies sexually as well?"
"What are your thoughts on Anal play and orgies?"
"If you're not into (name kink) do you mind if I have someone on the side that is?"

There were a few more, but I can't remember them. Each one ended in either a slap or me waking up in a cold sweat.

No date, but a talk...

I was almost dead asleep at 2pm when I got a call from Lauren; she has to postpone. The bug that has been nagging her for a month has her feeling pretty crappy.
Considering I stayed up a bit later than usual, I slept until 4pm, so I was more than a little relieved.

Enjoying my bit of bliss was disturbed when my phone went off...KM!

"Hi baby!"
"Hey. Are you working today?"
uh-oh...I don't like that tone and she went on to explain her rough day to the point where she was free this evening. She didn't have that "smile" that I hear over the phone.
"Uh...no." Uh...YEAH! I gotta finish my damned laundry, but I wasn't going to give her an excuse.
"Okay, can we meet to talk tonight?" Inwardly I groan. The TALK, but I don't stress out about it.
"Sure when and where?"
"How about the usual place, when is a good time for you."
"Are we going to have THAT talk?"
"I don't know, depends on how you take it after we're through."
"Okay, Give me two hours so I ca-"
"Two Hours?" Genuinely surprised.
"Yeah, I just woke up. give me a bit to shower and shave." Not to mention dealing with the hell that is traffic at this time.
"So, 7:30?"
"No, 6:30 or 7, I fig-"
"So which? 6:30 or 7?"
"6:30" She was starting to get on my nerves, "What is this about?"
"Something I didn't want to talk about in Text or over the phone."
What a NOVEL idea!
"See you there" and hang up the phone."

I'll update a bit later tonight.

The stars aligned...

Quite a bit happened this week. Got some really whacked out responses and a few twists in some of the emails I received.
KM called up for another chance to make up for last weekend, and I couldn't help but accept, but more about that, and other stuff, in a later post.

The thing I wanted to talk about how, for some reason, my mind is shifting to "Wanting a relationship" mode.
Yes, my mind is shifting a bit TOO much into it.
Yes, I want a "We", but I don't want to become blind to the realities of dating.
Actually, I need to rephrase that, more like the "Dangers" of dating.
It happens to all of us in some form once we have an objective in mind. We have a tendency to develop a sense of tunnel vision that filters all other things out to our detriment.
When I'm looking for people for my parties, I don't think about the peripheral stuff. I don't care what issues aside their being mentally stable/reliable enough to handle some adult fun.
When you're focused on trying to find someone for a "Relationship", the focus has to change a bit. You have to widen your idiot/geek/psycho/trekkie/psychic/SCA enthusiast detector to a more sensitive setting.
Basically, you have to look at a person as a total package and I think I have been too much of a dumbass to reset those parameters in my head.

I kept thinking how I am not acting like my rational self. I'm not blowing off women who are in the least bit flakey like I normally would. So for those 3 people that have been reading my idiot mistakes, I apologize. On my way to my date, this is what was going through my head as I was going to the restaurant.
Generally when I walk anywhere, I take in everything that is going on around me.
Bits of conversation.
Sounds of traffic. (lest I get run over)
See various people are doing.
What struck me was that I had just turned behind an elderly couple. Initialy I dismissed them as I kept pace behind them (I wasn't in a hurry, and I didn't want to rush them), but the more I looked, the more I was envious.
They were at least in their late 70, walking hand in hand. It was the hand holding that really got me. It wasn't the "don't fall behind" grasp, but a tender touch that they both took pains to maintain.
As I got in closer, it became more obvious on movie they had watched and were having a deep discussion about it. As they turned to where their car was parked, I faintly heard, "My life would be empty without you."
I WANT that. I want someone to be old with!
They kept on their perpendicular path and the husband looked at me. Apparently surprised I was so close behind them.
He nodded his head at me in greeting and I smiled back.
I wiped the mist from my eyes (I can be an old softy and romantic), and continued on my way
Deciding that if this didn't work, made myself promise this was the last shot she had.

A new posting.....a step forward

After KM's little Sunday meeting fiasco, I figured it was time to start moving on, so I put up a new ad that said the following:

I am a SHM41 looking for some, but not all the attributes listed.

SF, 36-45. Can be HWB or "pleasantly plump."
(Pleasantly plump is about 70lbs over)
As you guessed, personality is more important to me.

Play chess
Enjoy/tolerate baseball
Able to talk about a wide variety of subjects with an open mind.
Is able to adjust to a wide variety of situations.
Be able to be calm under pressure.
Self assured and is able to tell me to shut up occasionally.
Kids OK.
Previous line meant that you HAVE kids, not that kids write me.
Knowledgeable about current events.
Politically flexible. No far right or left wingers.
Not be shy in many aspects of a relationship.
Have more kinks than a cheap gold chain.
Non judgemental.
Is a better speller than I am.
Enjoys going to movies and other activies.
Must be able to blow me away with a look.

Perfect (and otherwise) women apply within.  

Aside from the fact that I typed this up at from my car over a period of 3 hours, I didn't think it was half bad. I remembered a key phrase that I used consistantly years ago. In fact, anyone that I know that reads this phrase will instantly know its me, but since my friends have gone to the four winds years ago, I'm not worried.

It's not like I use the phrase in everyday conversation, hence the small change in the blog.

2 hours later, I have gotten several replies, after a meeting or so, I'll mention them on here later.

While editing this post, KM texted me.  I'll post about that later.

What? What? NO!

MINUTES after I posted my last entry, while I am reaching for my fourth glass of wine, the phone buzzes and scared the shit out of me.
KM's picture is grinning at me as the phone cheerfully announces that she is on the other side.
Taking a deep breath, I muster total calm.  Complete calm.  Inhale.
Breathe.

"Hi, Sweetie!"
"Are you mad at me?"  Did my tone give it away?
"Well, I AM a bit peeved." Fuck it. Gotta be honest.
"Why?" WHY?  She asks WHY??
"Because you left me hanging, I didn't know what was going on." Again. Be honest.
Okay, everything is on the table.
Let's roll the dice.
"Well, I was busy with the kids and..." She continued for several minutes...Until I finally had to interrupt.
"Look, I understand SIX kids can be a handful. I get it, I just wished you could have simply told me what was going on."
"I know. I suck.  I'm really bad about that."
"That's all I ask.  Keep me informed."
"I know, I suck at that."  If she knows that, why can't she correct it?
"So, where at you at now?"
"Home."
"Oh, I guess you wouldn't want to hang out with me, being irritated and all."
"No. Not irritated. Peeved.  Difference."
"Oh?"  C'mon!  I don't wanna' parse words!
"Yes. Peeved."
"Well, if you're peeved at me, you probably wouldn't want to be with me tonight."
What?  What? No! I'll be with you tonight!  Really!
"Whatever you wish to do, doll.  I am at your service."
"Well, let me take care of things here and I'll let you know."  FUCK! WOMAN! Make a decision!!, "Besides, I'm not showered, I've been up all day..." 
My hopes for tonight are being squashed by a ton of excuses.
"You DO know they have showers in hotels, if that is what you want to do."  Okay. that came out snarky, but, whatever.
"I know, I...well, I don't know what to do tonight." You want to be with me!  I'll hold your hand! I'll massage your feet!  I just want to spend time with you!
"Well, whatever you feel comfortable with, I'm okay." Total lie.  I'll sulk like a kid if I don't see her.
"Okay, well, I'll call you back."


ARGH!
Oh good lord!
As I'm opening up my 2nd bottle, I hear my phone buzz and I'm immediately tempted to throw it down the garbage disposal.
I read the text message and I almost lose it:

"Let's skip tonight. I am really not good company."

My reaction is a bit more childish I've thought I'd be.  I throw every pillow and cushion within reach.
After a couple of minutes, I sit on my now, VERY uncomfortable couch with my cat begging to be scratched.

So much for having a little Pussy and now I'm incredibly drunk.

Sunday, make it or break it?

You know, I'm am entirely too nervous for this.  This is a DATE, an actual date!
Ever since I've gone on my little quest, I've been startled on how difficult it is.  I mean, C'MON!  What woman wouldn't WANT a guy that  wants to (potentially) put aside a a lifestyle he's known for years.

As KM so gently put it, I AM pervert.  To ask exposing one of my favorite sayings, "I have more kinks than a cheap gold chain."

But I want to DATE this girl, I LIKE this girl, six kids?  No biggie, I've been a father before, it's easy to hide bodies.
I AM kidding.  Really.
Okay, so we have had a few bumps in the road, a few twists, and some misunderstandings, but since our last talk, I feel confident that we can go ahead and start dating.  I mean, get I HOPE she's into me, but women have a mind of their own, so only time will tell.

So right now, sitting on my couch, I am sweating like the male chauvinistic pig people think I am, freshly shaven, putting on a nice shirt and pants.  I am SCARED out of my mind. Looking at it objectively, its funny as hell.
I KNOW we're going to a hotel, I KNOW we're going to have sex.  So why am I am rambling on a blog that maybe three people read once a week, that I'm nervous as shit?
I mean, C'mon! I've had some doozy encounters with people I haven't met before in which I didn't really have to do much to get laid, but I don't think people at NASA put this much thought into their shuttle as I am putting on this "date".
In fact, can it be considered a date, or is it an "extended booty" call.

Fuck!  I feel like such a girl about this shit.

You were WHAT??

The day was miserable. 
It was cloudy, cold, and dark.  My mood made it a matching set.
Thinking last night and that KM are taking the next step and having resolved some issues was the only thing keeping my foul mood from turning to outright depression..   After going out for the day, I'd thought I send her a quick text:

"I had fun last night, I'll be thinking about it for a long time."
Several hours pass and I think nothing of it, figured she was at work and we had a tenative date scheduled for that night.
Then I remembered she had the night off.
Whatever. I figure she's busy and eventually the following texts come through, verbitem:
"Hey. I had a good time, too, but that girl that was with you last night was not me.  I just can't do it. Well, I can, but I have to be drunk and don't want to live that way."
WTF?  I pull over to a parking lot as quickly as I could.
"I was wondering about that.  What part of it was you?"
"The kissing, love giving head, sex."
well, that is clear as a bell, isn't it?
"I def. Enjoyed that part.  I've seen you drunk and sober, but I figured you were just tipsy.  Which parts weren't you?"
"I'm sure you know."
ARGH!  I barely keep my temper in check.  This was the only bright spot in my day and its being taken away.
"Look, we both promised to just be honest with each other so there are no misunderstandings.  I don't take hints very well."
It's true.  It's a miracle I'm still not a virgin.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to upset you."
"You're not upsetting me, I just want to know.  I need you to be straight forward about things."
"I'm trying."
"Then you're going to have to elaborate."


I wait for 10 minutes for an answer that never came and the rest of the evening was spent under a literal and figurative dark cloud in the city. 

Waking up the next morning, she was my first thought and I sent another txt that took me 15 minutes to compose:


"Look. I am really into you and I want to see where this goes, but you have to see me halfway to work on this.  I know you're busy and have a busy life, but the little time we have, we have to be able to be upfront with each other.  If you can't do that then we're doomed from the start."

I stared at my phone for several minutes.
Was this right?  Was it too aggressive? Why am I doubting myself?
Screw it.
I hit the send button and waited for a reply.
That was 3 hours ago.  Nothing. 
Maybe I won't be curtailing my CL dating anytime soon.

ARGH!  Dating is NOT supposed to be this hard! 

The Funk and the Fuck....

Having thought about my last post for a few hours, I was thinking of deleting it and dismissing it as my having a childish outburst, but before I hit the delete button and realized that it was something real I was feeling that brought me to this moment.
While it isn't rational and it WAS a bit childish, it was something that I was feeling, good or bad. I felt particularly so after reading Aurore's post that affected her. While THIS blog is totally different from hers, the fact is that life isn't always edited to show perfection. It's ugly, raw, and hurtful, but like OEN's Blog, there can be a mixture of Silliness, irony, and mayhem if you just look for it.

To be honest, after the last post, I went on a bit of a funk and gave myself the day off to gather my thoughts and see what I want to do.

As usual, odd things have an odd sense of timing. My phone rang and it was Stormcloud, who is an ex girlfriend that I remained friends with. She always seemed to have the worst luck in the world financially, jobs, and life in general. I kept our friendship because I seemed like I was the only consistent thing in her life. Usually she only called me when she needed a shoulder to cry on. This time however, she wanted my company in a physical sense.
When I got there a couple of hours later, we chatted like we always did. Without any preliminaries, we simply walked into the bedroom and started getting dressed.
While I don't consider that we Made Love, I think we simply needed each other and we were good with that.

No, I won't get into the nitty gritty about that, this is NOT that kind of blog.
After sex, we laid next to each other watching TV while she dozed.
Unfortunately, I had to leave since she was on a different sleeping schedule than I was.
She understood this and walked me to the door.
Having kissed me goodbye, she closed the door and locked it as I headed towards my car in this small suburban town.
It was a long drive home, but I felt much better compared to a few hours ago.

A Cool down and an old flame from the past...

This has been an interesting week.

First KM texts me that she isn't quite over her last lover ("Soul mate" whatever) and put our dating on hold until she can get her crying under control.
But this leaves me wondering if her Soulmate and Her husband (whom she divorced) are one in the same, or if she divorced her husband BECAUSE of him. It wasn't quite my business to push the subject since I didn't really know her, so I just left it up to her.
Since that day, she has been texting me thanking me for understanding....

Of course, in the meanwhile, I am still looking for someone to be serious with and made a few tentative steps along the way.

NOW, I mean, 30 minutes ago; I get a phone call from "Stella" a girl whom I met and dated for awhile several years ago. Had a terrific sex life, but things always seemed to work out against us. Mostly it was her poor lack of judgment on decisions that kept us apart, even to the point of postponing our engagement for what I thought were idiotic reasons.
Anyway....
I get this call from with her slurring almost every word, telling me how much she missed me. How she never got over me. She continues to tell me about the trials of her Daughter and her own health issues (I knew about them when I proposed).
It's not that I don't care about her, I still do, but how can one be certain we would be the same people that we were 4 years ago? One thing that I had learned in life is that after awhile, people grow, and what you thought at one time would be different another.
So we continue to talk and how I wished she had moved to Houston when I asked her to (She lives in Another state) to get the proper medical care.
She was crying even harder as I hesitated in my response to "Can I join you now?"
Talk about my heart being torn apart. It was all I can do to keep myself from saying, "let me take care of you again."
I wanted to. I wanted her here in my arms to make all her bogeymen go away. To make the decisions to make her life more bearable and to save her from her crappy family her horrible choice of friends. It was the the thing I wanted to do the most.

Knowing this wasn't the time to talk this over, but she was reminding me of the great sex, the adventures we had.

"It's too late", I told her. Those words took pieces of my heart with it.
The response of silence was making it worse.
She apologized, for her bad decisions, she apologized for all the trouble she had caused.
Again, she was killing me.

Damnit, why after 4 years!
What made it worse is that I didn't really have anything that was serious, I could have easily taken her in.

But would that have been fair for us? Particularly if things just didn't work out? What if her health takes a more serious turn to the point where I might as well be by myself again.

I gave myself a breather by doing something chickenshit; I told her I'll call her back in the afternoon.

It sucks. It really does suck. Will I actually call?
 

God, this sucks.

EDIT 5/7/09:  Never called and she never called back.