Good byes and hello's?

Having a particularly rough day, I couldn't resist but to send KM a simple text.

"For what it's worth, Happy Mother's day."

My intent was that, I wished to continue our conversation and try to be less harsh to her and see where she wants this go to.

"Nice. You're an idiot."

Okay.  That doesn't say much, so I simply responded:

"That isn't exactly a secret, Y'know."

Nothing since.
For whatever its worth, I think I blew it, but I don't think it was much of a loss.

While just sitting watching TV for another hour or so, my phone buzzed.

Andi.
We talked for a bit, she wanted to know how I was, so I relayed some of the recent (Vanilla) drama in my life and mentioned my previous "Conversation" with KM in the vaguest of terms.
She mentioned she recently had a falling out with a guy she was "seeing" for a bit as well. 
We really didn't cover any new ground, except that she said she'd try harder and, once again, apologized for being such a wishy-washy person.

We hung up on better terms than we did last time, but I'm still apprehensive as to what she has in mind.

I guess its time to put up another ad.

Returning with ghosts...

I was out and about working and doing the idiot things that I do, when my phone buzzed, I looked down and this is basically a Text conversation that covered TWELVE hours:

Hey Guy-you doing okay? --KM

AW SHIT! I pondered for several minutes as to what to do. SOOOOO...I did the only thing my simple male mind could think of:

Me: how are you? Doing fine, actually.

KM: Good

KM: How's your love life?

Me: Nonexistent, really. Had a few nibbles but nothing appealing.

KM: :-(

Me: Found someone you're attached to? I was missing you.

STUPID! STUPID! Why did I say that?? probably because it's true.

KM: Well, lots of soul searching. Robert comes home Thursday for three weeks. I am trying to get to where I don't need to see him. Honestly, I have thought of you almost every day. I wasn't being fair having someone else in my heart. That is not the type of relationship I want.

Me: I figured that was the issue, for the most part.

KM: Yep.

We talked a bit more about some of her relationships deal with the other guy, and I got a bit peeved and was wondering WHY she was texting:

Me: So, the reasoning of this texting is for you to reaffirm that?

KM: Must you be so hard? I was opening the line of communication.

Me: Sorry if it came out that way. I really liked you, but you put up a number of reasons why we can't be together, and while I would love to date you again, I have to be cynical. Particularly since you said we could still be friends after THE TALK.

KM: You know what? You didn't try to contact me, either so don't give me that bullshit. I should have known better.

Me: Actually, you said you'd let me know after you left. I am not going to harass a girl who wants space. You know that's how I am. I drive by your place all the time and refrain from putting a I miss you note on your car window, so you don't feel like you have STALKER. On your hands.

KM: That would have been very sweet.  <What? REALLY??>

Me: What you might consider sweet, another would see as. A stalker. See my point. I do miss you though.

KM: I would never put you in the stalker category.

Me: And how am I supposed to know that? You want space, I give it to you. We men are stupid with signals, remember? You have to hit us over the head.

KM: I still don't know what I want or need. I work entirely too much to think about myself. I do know that I miss you. That has to count for something, right?

Me: Yes it does, I am open to quite a few things in life, but I can't compete with a ghost.

Which is true. Until she can get the other guy out of her head, there is no point of even really having this discussion and it irritated me. The entire conversation was starting to get on my nerves.

KM: I'm sorry to have bothered you.

Me: You're not bothering me, I just like to know where I stand with you. You say you want to open a line, but I don't understand to what end. I would love for you to come back to me, though.

Once again, I realize some of the stupid shit I'm saying. Do I really want her back?

KM: Would you?

Me: Yes, but you had issues about me though.

KM: Yes, but you said you could adjust

.

The question, could I? Would I be willing to give up my hobby?

KM: So.....I am at Work. Would love for you to come give me a hug.

Me: I'm sweaty at the moment.

Truth is, I didn't want to cave in and drive there. I wanted to be logical about the whole thing.

KM: I really miss you.

Me: I miss you too, and I think about our smooching sessions.

KM: Same here. I just don't know where to go from here. It still scares me.

Me: What? The smooching scares you?

KM: No. I was falling for you.

Me: I was digging you too...but again, there has to be quite a bit to talk about. Remember, there were some issues with me that you didn't seem very fond of.

KM: I know. But you seemed to want to work with me.

Me: I do, but we need extended time together.

KM: I can give you that. Well, if you are willing to date a workaholic.

Me: Duh! Ms. Pot? I'm Mr. Black. Pleasure to meet you.

KM: I know.

Me: Calling it a night.

KM: Continue this later?

Me: Sure, if you want.

KM: Goodnight.

That was this past Sunday. We continued to talk a bit later, after we both couldn't sleep and touched upon something that was not resolved earlier in the day.

I asked her about Robert, and finally said, unless she wants us in a threesome, she needs to resolve this.

While I meant to say it in a joking way, she never responded back.

Wave off and a test of will power

I was rather ahead of schedule for our first meeting by at least 20 minutes, so I figure I'd give her a quick call to let her know and if she wanted me to order a drink for her.
She didn't answer and it eventually went to voice mail.
Didn't think about it too much at the time, since I was pondering smacking my car into a hummer that was a little too close for comfort.
Two minutes later, my phone rang:
"Hey! I'm sorry I didn't answer, I JUST got home."
"That's cool. Worked late?"
"Yeah, boss kept me running around all day.
"So you REALLY do need that drink, hm? I can wait a bit longer if you need the time to freshen up."
"Actually, I'm bushed, can we make it for another day? Like maybe Wednesday? I'm sorry!"
"Sure, no problem, I have work to do anyway."

Which is true, it was going to be a busy night and the traffic was putting me in a bad mood.

This isn't the first time I got a wave off on a first date, so I didn't let it get to me.


At 4 in the morning, during the night, I realized that i was within a couple of blocks of KM's home, for some inexplicable reason I found myself driving by.
Within a few short moments, I saw the darkened home with her car out front.
I wistfully look at the spot where we had had our first encounter.

Sitting for a few moments, I scribbled the following on a piece of paper:

I do miss you.
Wish you were in my life still, but I'm not angry. Reconsider.
R.

The 30 second walk to her car seemed like forever and the wiper seemed unusually heavy as I slipped it underneath.

I stood there for an eternity watching the moisture from the windshield cling to my paper.
Fuck that.
Grabbing the paper, I threw it into the gutter on the way back to the car.

Shit.

Just Hit Delete

My phone is clogged with old friends and current clients.

Occasional I have to delete a number of someone that I just haven't heard from in forever for whatever reason.
Just hit delete, and the person you have will be gone forever....or at least, you hope so.

To hit delete on your contact list means that the person in your life no longer exists.
Used to be that you had their phone number(s), addresses, their Aunt Irma's, or god knows what other info on a Rolodex* or some phone book at home.

Today it's more of a tenuous grip we have on the people we have in our lives, all of our information to our friends is usually contained on our cell phones.  We lose that cell phone and odds are, we will find out who will miss us until we scavenge the numbers again.
Additionally, we also contain quite a few other people on a contact list on our IM's and outlooks.
If our computers are stolen or killed, the same thing occurs.
Who will truly miss before we get our digital lives back together again.


Then there are those that you want out of your life.
You need them out of your life.
The Ex-Husband/Wife/Girlfriend/Boyfriend/Lover.

Hitting delete is a big step of going forward in your life, but some people are afraid to hit delete so we have these numbers on our phones that we never call, hope to one day hear from.
We hope they don't delete us.

Stella: Former fiance, one of my best lovers.  I had to grow up and realize my life with her but we would be living in a contestant world of a Lifetime Movie.  Having finally hit delete a few months ago, but she's proven she rarely hits delete on mine.

GD: An easy delete, no emotional attachment. I deleted haven't heard from since.

Andi:  One of my tougher deletes, took me a bit to move on, now I have to put up with the occasional I miss you Text messages AND IM's.  She obviously doesn't really want to let go.  I'm going to ask her next time I see her to delete me.  I want us to lose our way to each other.

Sharon:  Tried hitting delete, but we now have an "understanding" to what has the potential to be a very toxic (yet fun) relationship.  Meh.

KM:  She called the whole thing off and become "Friends", but what I told her what they might include, she hesitated. I deleted, but I don't think she did.  We'll see.

Each delete means that you're growing that much more.

Yay. Happy Fucking Valentine's Day.




*For those kids that don't know what a rolodex is.

Sure, my life has no drama...

On my way to work yesterday evening, I needed to go ahead and push forward with meeting Lauren to see what kind of chemistry is there before deciding to put up another ad or not.
Giving her a quick call, we have some social niceties before I just cut to the chase and ask her if she wants to go to a movie and dinner on Sunday.
She quickly accepts, but I can tell there was something she wanted to ask, but chose not to continue.

We talk about a movie, she approves, and then I promise we'll talk about firming up the time as the day draw near.

Yeah. I know. I'm such a romantic.
Shut up.

As my day progresses, I get a text.
Hmm....gee..who sends texts....
KM!
Yeah, I'm surprised too. Here's the entire conversation, of which I can't figure out what she's trying to say:

KM: "What are you up to?"
Me: "Not much."
KM: "Working?"
Me: "Sorta. You?" Translation: "Cut to the chase. You dropped me."
KM: "On my porch reflecting. Letting you go was difficult."
Me: "Ok. I didn't expect to hear from you this quickly." Which I didn't. Ever.
KM: "I am sorry."
Me: "About what?"
KM: "Everything."
Me: "Oh. Okay."
20 minute pause.
Me: "I guess that was all then."

WTF what all that about? Can a woman translate that for me? Am I over-thinking this? What really made it awkward was the fact that I just happen to be 4 blocks away when the texting started.  It was hard not to turn the car around.

I know this goes onto my OTHER blog, but it just shows how weird my dating/other life, is sometimes.

Katy:  "Hey.  Really enjoyed the other morning."
Me:    "So did I.  Look forward to it again."
Katy:  "When is a party? I want about 6 guys."
Me:    "Okay. March?"
Katy:  "That would be awesome."

Now to get a party organized too..

THE Talk

Showing up at the IHOP, RIGHT at 6:30.
KM is no where in sight.
Great.

At 7pm, I see her walking in, give me a kiss, and sit down.
We start with idle chit chat and talking about the usual stuff.
"So, what IS the talk?" I want to cut to the chase.
"Well..." she started....
Just like I had mentioned in another post, she didn't have time, but as I have put together this past weekend, she had no real desire to be with me. She enjoyed my company, but didn't feel the need to share what little free time she had with me, but she wanted to remain friends.
She stopped after 10 minutes and looked at me.

"Yes?" I asked.
"Are you okay with this?"
"I suspected it for quite some time. the question is, what are 'Friends?' I can't send you any smooching texts, naughty texts, we can't smooch, I can't hold you while we watch movies.
In other words, what is there left?"
She had no answer.
"I didn't expect you to be this calm about it. I was hoping you'd walk away, this would have been much easier on the both of us."
"The easy way out is for cowards. The Ball is in your court."

We talked about it back and forth for a bit, our waitresses knew something was up. They were there since the beginning of our dinners and have grown rather comfortable with us.
"Do you guys need anything else?" The youngest asked as she brought my dinner.
"No."
"Are you guys okay?"
"No. We're breaking up." I casually said as I cut into my steak.
"That sucks man. You two are my favorite!" and she walked off.
We both smiled at her response.
"Yeah, it sucks," I repeated.
We continued talking and pretty much told her to not to worry about me and that I'll be perfectly fine.
"Well, you're going to have to tell me what the parameters I need to follow with being friends with you. You contact me when you're ready."
She was still at a loss as to what else to say.
"Well, I need to....well...want to leave." she was on the verge of breaking down. no one could possibly tell, but I read her facial expressions.
"I assume you don't want me to walk you to your car."
Her lip quivering as she gave a quiet "no."
"Then goodbye."
With that, she quickly grabbed her purse and walked out as fast as she could.
The waitresses came by offering me an ice cream cone, but I refused.
I sat there for a bit, sucking down the last of my drink.
It was a full 5 minutes before I saw her car left the lot.
She must have been crying.
Leaving the money on the table and heading towards the door, a voice came up behind me.
"Does that mean you're not coming back again?"
"Unless she is with me, I have no reason to. Goodluck, kids."
With that, I walked off not looking back

No date, but a talk...

I was almost dead asleep at 2pm when I got a call from Lauren; she has to postpone. The bug that has been nagging her for a month has her feeling pretty crappy.
Considering I stayed up a bit later than usual, I slept until 4pm, so I was more than a little relieved.

Enjoying my bit of bliss was disturbed when my phone went off...KM!

"Hi baby!"
"Hey. Are you working today?"
uh-oh...I don't like that tone and she went on to explain her rough day to the point where she was free this evening. She didn't have that "smile" that I hear over the phone.
"Uh...no." Uh...YEAH! I gotta finish my damned laundry, but I wasn't going to give her an excuse.
"Okay, can we meet to talk tonight?" Inwardly I groan. The TALK, but I don't stress out about it.
"Sure when and where?"
"How about the usual place, when is a good time for you."
"Are we going to have THAT talk?"
"I don't know, depends on how you take it after we're through."
"Okay, Give me two hours so I ca-"
"Two Hours?" Genuinely surprised.
"Yeah, I just woke up. give me a bit to shower and shave." Not to mention dealing with the hell that is traffic at this time.
"So, 7:30?"
"No, 6:30 or 7, I fig-"
"So which? 6:30 or 7?"
"6:30" She was starting to get on my nerves, "What is this about?"
"Something I didn't want to talk about in Text or over the phone."
What a NOVEL idea!
"See you there" and hang up the phone."

I'll update a bit later tonight.

It's 12:30 am, do you know where your date is?

Well, once again, work gets in the way of my date with KM on Tuesday, Friday, and Last night (Sunday) . Good thing we're not DATING.

Now, to be fair, MY work kinda' interfered with it, but that was on Tuesday.
Whatever.

I guess because I told her I was doing 10 LOADS, she just assumed I was probably too busy to be bothered with a smooching session with her.
Oh yeah, laundry.
I just got a hard on for it.

On a side note, she confessed she fingered herself silly to my text message a few days ago.

Anyway, back at the ranch...

At about 12:30am, I got a TEXT from Lauren.
A TEXT!
Doesn't anyone believe in talking anymore?

"We didn't make a date. :-("
"How about tomorrow?"
"Cool. Red Lobster? 4:30?"
"I'm SO there."

Red Lobster?? I guess it's about as good as a place for a first date as any.

But RED LOBSTER?!?

Whatever. Well, at least it will prove to be an interesting date.

HURRY KM! Your ship is sailing!

A text to wake up to:

What she read first thing in the morning on her phone:

"I want to sit you down on my lap, nude and away from me, while I nibble on your neck and rub your clit."

What I wanted to do, but neglected to put in, "In full view of a room full of men and women."

Is that bad?

"Mommy needs a drink, but I have to wait 17.5 years."

"Oh HELL NO!"
I burst out laughing at IFW's (Idiots Friend's Wife) response to KM's divorce and her SIX kids.
"Guy knocks me up with six kids, he's sticking around no matter how much of an asshole he is," and gives a meaningful look to her husband, "I hate to tell you this, but I won't divorce you for at least a few years, until they are in their teens!"
The youngest of two kids is 5 months old. 
Yeah, it's going to be a long marriage.
To most coworkers and outsiders in general, she seems like a down to earth, yet sophisticated and strong willed woman. 
When dealing with her friends, she's the blackest white woman in the world.
I love her to pieces, but thank god she married someone else.
After being put through the inquisition about her, my lack of a dating life came up and wondered how I got by with so little female company.

If they only knew the truth.

One of my favorite quotes is, "You know, when I first met him, his home was IMMACULATE, even his bathroom. For a man, that's saying a lot.  Now that I'm married to that SOB, he's a total slob.  I should divorce him on the grounds of false advertisement."

Turns out a number of their friends were coming down with bugs and begged out of out of consideration of the newest infant in the household.  What is normally a crowded and raucous event turned into a only a moderate riot of talk/gossip and wives being openly critical of their husbands.

Oh, yes.  They really make me look forward to marriage.

KM was running late with her kids this weekend and told her not to stress about coming late or not at all.
We all had a great time even with the small crowd and lack of booze.

Which reminds me of another quote, "I can hardly wait until he (the youngest) is 18 so I can be an alcoholic again." which she looks at her infant and says,"You can drive mommy from the rest home to the bar so I can get shitfaced!"

KM was never able to make it, which doesn't surprise me, but we talked on the phone on my way home.

Why even bothering with this post? 
To show I'm not all about one thing and post a few great lines.
Being drunk helps too.
Wee!

The Gayest superbowl. EVER!

Late last night, while her kids were watching a movie KM,  traded txt messages.  The conversation basically led to toys.  Turns out she never had one before, which absolutely floored me.   So we're going to try to get her one....or two.
YAY! Toy Shopping!
Personally, I want to get her a rabbit and one that will stick to a floor or a wall.  She had some initial reservations about the second one, but I'm sure I'll help.
Just can't get over the fact on how much of a sexual novice she is.  After 17 years of marriage and SIX kids, you'd figure they'd learn a few tricks.
Apparently the affair she had (she admitted she had one, but it wasn't the cause of her Divorce) didn't teach her anything new either.

When waking up this morning, I found ANOTHER txt.
"Are you seeing other people?"
ME? See other people?
Nah!
I told her that its pretty much up to her as to whether or not I do as far as the relationship goes or not.
For some reason, she didn't seem very happy with the answer.
Whatever.

I thought I'd see how she and I would interact with other people.
Having been invited to a superbowl party by my Idiot friend (IF), there is a reason for this name, and his wife, I thought it would be a good opportunity to bring her along to meet a number of people I associate with from time to time.
Considering there are going to be mostly couples (Several gay, several lesbian, and one or two "straight" couples), it should prove to be quite interesting to see how she gets along. 
Yes, it's a Gay friendly household.  IF's wife is a Fag Hag and all her friends are various levels of Awesome.

I wish to predict, right here, right now, that their kids are going to grow up to be hard core Republicans.
I'm not going to be worried about not getting along with anyone, the Wife is a major foodie and her kitchen is altar to William Sonoma.
She said she doesn't know if she will make it, considering she has the kids this weekend and will drop them off at her ex at about the time the superbowl starts.  Either way, I won't be particularly disappointed if she doesn't show up.

For the want of an orgasm.

After our initial hug, I gave her a quick kiss.
"Hi."
"HI!"
Her smile widened and quickly turned a bit roguish.
"Can a girl get something to eat before you fuck her senseless? I'm starving."
I burst out laughing and went to our now familiar IHOP across the street.

The conversation ranged to her visit with the kids, to work, to our personal lives.

We were back in our room about an hour later.
The door barely closed when started taking off our clothes and kissing each other, as she got to my pants, she looked up at me and said;
"Remember what I promised you?"
My cock twitched in anticipation.
"Yes I do."
With that, she went to work.  GOD she was good, I was on the verge of cumming when I had to pull her off. I didn't want this evening to end this quickly.
Pushing her back to the edge of her bed and raised her legs, I proceeded to initially tease her.
Gently kissing her inner thighs, breathing softly over her sex while barely brushing my lips against her.
Proceeding to barely place my tongue on her clit while I breathed a bit harder, I felt her body shudder.
Continuing this torture for a couple of more minutes, I softly licked up and down the folds of her skin and dipped into her wet hole.
She then started to grab my head to push me into her, but I fought back and proceeded to continue the light touches.
Eventually, my touches grew more intense and direct after several minutes.
Diving full in, I began deeply licking her sweet pussy while gently rubbing her clit while switching places every minute or so when I would nibble her clit and finger her pussy.
I felt her first orgasm wash over her when I discovered her G-spot, concentrating on this little area, I also continued to suck her clit harder.
I continued this, fighting off her attempts to (I think) get me to stop, she let out a long scream and clamped her hands on my head, during, what I later found out, her first oral orgasm.
Ever!
Yeah, I know! I am just as surprised!
I go back up to kiss her and she eagerly kisses me while forcing me to enter her with her legs. After The look of bliss on her face was telling as i started to enter her. Pushing in all the way slowly, I just remained motionless as i I continued kissing her gently.. As she started to rotate her hips, we both fell into a nice rhythm. Fighting off the beginnings of an orgasm, I slow down, and eventually slow to a stop and start to shower her with kisses.
We continue this pattern for a bit when she gets on all fours.
A big grin appeared on my face as I moved behind her.
"Stay away from my eyes."
I was crestfallen.
"Not even a few little licks."
"No!"

Hmph.  Maybe I should get her drunk next time, because I LOVE giving rimjobs.... ohwell.
I get behind her and enter her and we continue in a steadily increasing the force and tempo until she starts building up into another orgasm I can feel myself start to build into one as well.
We're sweating and out of breath, she let's out another moan and I....got nothing.
I collapse by sheer exhaustion.
"Relax. Let me," and deep throated my cock with some forceful motions.
It was simply awesome.
After about 10 minutes, I brought her up and kissed her soundly we laid down together.

"You didn't cum."
Oh shit. She had that TONE.
"I was tired."
"Do you think you couldn't because you're not into me sexually?  I'm too vanilla or kinky enough for you?"
Aw, shit, for cryin' out loud!
I explained to her that the stopping and starting technique can keep me going for a considerable amount of time (which is true, sometimes for a couple of hours....which means I need to get back in shape.)
The conversation goes back and forth and puts a bit of a damper on what happened that night, but I calmed her down and we were soon sleeping soundly.

At least, that is what I told her.  Considering I'm up nights, I laid there next to her with the thought that didn't even occur to me until she brought it up:

Do what we have is enough, even if she's not kinky?
I was already prepared to give up my hobby for the right woman, but am I REALLY that ready to give it up?

YOU AGAIN?!?

Sitting in the hotel room by myself allows me to mentally prepare for the evening. KM is on the way after a quick shower and shave brief convo:
"You have to remember, I'm a girly girl."
"Well, don't sweat about shaving your legs,we can have romantic cricket sounds as we lay together."
The giggling betrayed the mock anger she had.
"Jerk. I'll be there in about 30 minutes."

It wasn't much of a hotel, but it was handy.
Just as I was about to semi-doze in a blissfully quiet moment; the phone rang.
"Hey sexy."
"Well, hi there! You haven't called me that in a long time!"
ANDI!  My mind snapped awake.
"Hey."
"Busy?" 
"Nah, I have about 20 minutes." Fuck. Fuck. Fuck! I thought she was gone!
She went on about her life and her schedule and then blamed the latest neglect of calling due to her not feeling well.  I barely got in a word in edgewise."
Blah.Blah. Blah.
"Did you think of our last texts and conversations?" As I finally interrupted with the edge on my voice that I hope conveyed my annoyance.
That stopped her cold for about 30 seconds.
"Yes. Quite a bit actually.  I told my mom and some girlfriends about it.  Mom basically was disappointed in me. She and the girls liked you. They don't like my current boyfriend."
I had fans?  Who knew?
Once again, she apologized and said she'd make it better.
"You DO realize that *I* am not calling anymore.  You're the one that needs to make an effort."
"I know."  her voice was quieter now.
We continued with some pleasantries for a bit longer until I heard the knock on the door.
"Gotta go, bye!"
"Can I Ca-"

I open the door and was greeted by one of the warmest hugs I have had in a long while.

Got a Moment?

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The stars aligned...

Quite a bit happened this week. Got some really whacked out responses and a few twists in some of the emails I received.
KM called up for another chance to make up for last weekend, and I couldn't help but accept, but more about that, and other stuff, in a later post.

The thing I wanted to talk about how, for some reason, my mind is shifting to "Wanting a relationship" mode.
Yes, my mind is shifting a bit TOO much into it.
Yes, I want a "We", but I don't want to become blind to the realities of dating.
Actually, I need to rephrase that, more like the "Dangers" of dating.
It happens to all of us in some form once we have an objective in mind. We have a tendency to develop a sense of tunnel vision that filters all other things out to our detriment.
When I'm looking for people for my parties, I don't think about the peripheral stuff. I don't care what issues aside their being mentally stable/reliable enough to handle some adult fun.
When you're focused on trying to find someone for a "Relationship", the focus has to change a bit. You have to widen your idiot/geek/psycho/trekkie/psychic/SCA enthusiast detector to a more sensitive setting.
Basically, you have to look at a person as a total package and I think I have been too much of a dumbass to reset those parameters in my head.

I kept thinking how I am not acting like my rational self. I'm not blowing off women who are in the least bit flakey like I normally would. So for those 3 people that have been reading my idiot mistakes, I apologize. On my way to my date, this is what was going through my head as I was going to the restaurant.
Generally when I walk anywhere, I take in everything that is going on around me.
Bits of conversation.
Sounds of traffic. (lest I get run over)
See various people are doing.
What struck me was that I had just turned behind an elderly couple. Initialy I dismissed them as I kept pace behind them (I wasn't in a hurry, and I didn't want to rush them), but the more I looked, the more I was envious.
They were at least in their late 70, walking hand in hand. It was the hand holding that really got me. It wasn't the "don't fall behind" grasp, but a tender touch that they both took pains to maintain.
As I got in closer, it became more obvious on movie they had watched and were having a deep discussion about it. As they turned to where their car was parked, I faintly heard, "My life would be empty without you."
I WANT that. I want someone to be old with!
They kept on their perpendicular path and the husband looked at me. Apparently surprised I was so close behind them.
He nodded his head at me in greeting and I smiled back.
I wiped the mist from my eyes (I can be an old softy and romantic), and continued on my way
Deciding that if this didn't work, made myself promise this was the last shot she had.

A new posting.....a step forward

After KM's little Sunday meeting fiasco, I figured it was time to start moving on, so I put up a new ad that said the following:

I am a SHM41 looking for some, but not all the attributes listed.

SF, 36-45. Can be HWB or "pleasantly plump."
(Pleasantly plump is about 70lbs over)
As you guessed, personality is more important to me.

Play chess
Enjoy/tolerate baseball
Able to talk about a wide variety of subjects with an open mind.
Is able to adjust to a wide variety of situations.
Be able to be calm under pressure.
Self assured and is able to tell me to shut up occasionally.
Kids OK.
Previous line meant that you HAVE kids, not that kids write me.
Knowledgeable about current events.
Politically flexible. No far right or left wingers.
Not be shy in many aspects of a relationship.
Have more kinks than a cheap gold chain.
Non judgemental.
Is a better speller than I am.
Enjoys going to movies and other activies.
Must be able to blow me away with a look.

Perfect (and otherwise) women apply within.  

Aside from the fact that I typed this up at from my car over a period of 3 hours, I didn't think it was half bad. I remembered a key phrase that I used consistantly years ago. In fact, anyone that I know that reads this phrase will instantly know its me, but since my friends have gone to the four winds years ago, I'm not worried.

It's not like I use the phrase in everyday conversation, hence the small change in the blog.

2 hours later, I have gotten several replies, after a meeting or so, I'll mention them on here later.

While editing this post, KM texted me.  I'll post about that later.

What? What? NO!

MINUTES after I posted my last entry, while I am reaching for my fourth glass of wine, the phone buzzes and scared the shit out of me.
KM's picture is grinning at me as the phone cheerfully announces that she is on the other side.
Taking a deep breath, I muster total calm.  Complete calm.  Inhale.
Breathe.

"Hi, Sweetie!"
"Are you mad at me?"  Did my tone give it away?
"Well, I AM a bit peeved." Fuck it. Gotta be honest.
"Why?" WHY?  She asks WHY??
"Because you left me hanging, I didn't know what was going on." Again. Be honest.
Okay, everything is on the table.
Let's roll the dice.
"Well, I was busy with the kids and..." She continued for several minutes...Until I finally had to interrupt.
"Look, I understand SIX kids can be a handful. I get it, I just wished you could have simply told me what was going on."
"I know. I suck.  I'm really bad about that."
"That's all I ask.  Keep me informed."
"I know, I suck at that."  If she knows that, why can't she correct it?
"So, where at you at now?"
"Home."
"Oh, I guess you wouldn't want to hang out with me, being irritated and all."
"No. Not irritated. Peeved.  Difference."
"Oh?"  C'mon!  I don't wanna' parse words!
"Yes. Peeved."
"Well, if you're peeved at me, you probably wouldn't want to be with me tonight."
What?  What? No! I'll be with you tonight!  Really!
"Whatever you wish to do, doll.  I am at your service."
"Well, let me take care of things here and I'll let you know."  FUCK! WOMAN! Make a decision!!, "Besides, I'm not showered, I've been up all day..." 
My hopes for tonight are being squashed by a ton of excuses.
"You DO know they have showers in hotels, if that is what you want to do."  Okay. that came out snarky, but, whatever.
"I know, I...well, I don't know what to do tonight." You want to be with me!  I'll hold your hand! I'll massage your feet!  I just want to spend time with you!
"Well, whatever you feel comfortable with, I'm okay." Total lie.  I'll sulk like a kid if I don't see her.
"Okay, well, I'll call you back."


ARGH!
Oh good lord!
As I'm opening up my 2nd bottle, I hear my phone buzz and I'm immediately tempted to throw it down the garbage disposal.
I read the text message and I almost lose it:

"Let's skip tonight. I am really not good company."

My reaction is a bit more childish I've thought I'd be.  I throw every pillow and cushion within reach.
After a couple of minutes, I sit on my now, VERY uncomfortable couch with my cat begging to be scratched.

So much for having a little Pussy and now I'm incredibly drunk.

Text Messaging Hell

Why am I here?  Here is the answer:

At 4pm, I go to a bar near where I had hoped we would either have our dinner, a movie, or straight to our Hotel.

Since I didn't know exactly when she was going to drop the kiddos off, I figure I'd send her a quick text to say Hi and see how she is doing:

"Hey, Doll."
"How are you?"
"Good now that you answered. :) Wassup? Dinner? Movie? Both?"
"Why wouldn't I?"  Uh-oh
"I am just teasing, silly."
"Ah. Do what you think is best."  Okay, sounds reasonable. Idiot comment neutralized.
"What I think is best is better with you at my side."  Didn't really care what we did, I just wanted her near me.
"Oh Lord."  Yeah, I expected that response.  Hopefully she cracked a smile at my lame line.
"What? :)"
"You probably just want me to say we can skip all the preliminaries and get right to the sex."  While I would not mind it, the tone did NOT sound good.
"I'm totally agreeable to what you want."  I took a moment to analyze the sentence to make sure there was no stupidity in there somewhere, but I was getting peeved at the remark.
"Whatever is fine." Fine? Danger!  Oh shit. How did I fuck this up?
I go back to re-read what I sent and everything looked fairly free of male stupidity.
"Fine.  If you're hungry, dinner. If not, perhaps a movie.  If you're not in the mood, I'll do hand puppets."
Reading the statement over again.  Flexible overtones with a hint of humor. Okay.
"Just sex is great. That is what you want anyway." WTF? HOW did THAT happen?
"Oh? Didn't realize I was twisting your arm. LOL.  When am I going to be graced with your presence?"
FUCK! I hit send before I could edit it!
"I do not know. I am in a crappy mood."  What The-?
I sit stunned looking at the phone.  I briefly ponder asking the bartender for a whiskey, but think better of it.
There is no point. I beat a hasty retreat:
"I'm sorry. Want to blow it off today or just hang out."  See? no sex. No mention of sex! nothing!
"Do not know yet." OH COME ON!  I realized a few seconds later that everyone in the bar was looking at me.  I guess I said it out loud. VERY loudly.
"K. Going to work for awhile. Hope you feel better, Doll."
I waited for two drinks for a response.  Nothing.
ARGH!
I calmly get up, and decide on some grocery shopping.  It was due.
As I get out of the car, the SAME homeless guy I see everytime I go to the store is about to ask me for money.
He never remembers me.
"WHAT THE FUCK? Don't you know I NEVER give you money?  If I come back with some cocaine will you do me a favor and suck it up so you'll just DIE?", I said it at the top of my voice.
Yeah, maybe I was a bit tense. I immediately start driving home and at the light I squeeze off a text:
"On my way home, Doll.  Call me later if you feel better."
Two hours passed since I got a txt from her to the time I sent her that one.

'Scuse me while I go kill some innocent pillows.

Sunday, make it or break it?

You know, I'm am entirely too nervous for this.  This is a DATE, an actual date!
Ever since I've gone on my little quest, I've been startled on how difficult it is.  I mean, C'MON!  What woman wouldn't WANT a guy that  wants to (potentially) put aside a a lifestyle he's known for years.

As KM so gently put it, I AM pervert.  To ask exposing one of my favorite sayings, "I have more kinks than a cheap gold chain."

But I want to DATE this girl, I LIKE this girl, six kids?  No biggie, I've been a father before, it's easy to hide bodies.
I AM kidding.  Really.
Okay, so we have had a few bumps in the road, a few twists, and some misunderstandings, but since our last talk, I feel confident that we can go ahead and start dating.  I mean, get I HOPE she's into me, but women have a mind of their own, so only time will tell.

So right now, sitting on my couch, I am sweating like the male chauvinistic pig people think I am, freshly shaven, putting on a nice shirt and pants.  I am SCARED out of my mind. Looking at it objectively, its funny as hell.
I KNOW we're going to a hotel, I KNOW we're going to have sex.  So why am I am rambling on a blog that maybe three people read once a week, that I'm nervous as shit?
I mean, C'mon! I've had some doozy encounters with people I haven't met before in which I didn't really have to do much to get laid, but I don't think people at NASA put this much thought into their shuttle as I am putting on this "date".
In fact, can it be considered a date, or is it an "extended booty" call.

Fuck!  I feel like such a girl about this shit.

Tuesday Mixups and talks. C'mon Sunday!

Having been worried with the potential of having Lumens with me on a date (an extended sexual romp, actually, but whatever.), I decided to put off meeting with her and just deal with KM, since the chemistry is so there for us.  Besides, Lumens and I can virtually meet whenever, and I consider time with KM a bit more of a rare commodity.
Ten minutes after I hung up the phone with Lumens, KM called, figuring she'd tell me what time she wanted to meet tonight:
"Hey!"  Uh-oh.  It's THAT tone.
"Hey sweetie, wassup?"
"The shipment is really screwed up.  Can't make tonight. I'm sorry."  I can hear commotion in the background of people running around.
"Don't worry about it."  Was all I could muster, but I knew work had a tendency to be hellish at times.
"How about Sunday night at 6?  I am totally yours, you can use me as you will." She said between telling people what to do and asking another question of someone.
"How can I resist such an offer.  Deal.  I'll even take you on a date and see a movie."
"A Date? What's that?   I would LOVE a movie."  Listen, I have to go, you're not mad at me, are you?"
"Nah." As long as we have a firm schedule in place.  We're cool.
As long as she KEPT it, that is.
"Great! Just have to drop off the kids and my body is yours."  I heard a massive crash of something hitting the floor, "Gotta go! Bye!" and immediately hung up.

Well, my plans for today is totally shot.
Business was exceedingly slow to the point I was playing with a game on my G1 for a couple of hours.

10pm passes by when my phone rings:
"Hey baby, just got home, I was able to finish early, and about to hit bed."
"Aw, poor baby, if I would have known you left early, I would have taken you to late snack."
"I AM starving.....maybe meet for a few minutes? IHOP?"
"Sure!"  We needed to have "The Talk" we never got around to.
At 11:08pm, I got the "On my way", TXT."
We arrived within minutes of each other and as we sat down, my heart started racing.
Yes.  I REALLY missed her and was anxious to have some face time with her.
Having held hands for a moment, she realized she needed start "The Talk."
"First off, you're a pervert."  She begins.
"Yes I am." was my deadpan response.
"I don't know if I can handle that."
"Handle what?" Was curious, of course.
"You like quite a few things."
"Yes I do."  If she only knew.
"I don't think you'd be satisfied with JUST ME."
"Well, if things go well with us, you won't have to worry about that."  I truly meant it.
Basically, she was saying that she wasn't sure she would be interested in multiple sex partners, Adult Bookstores, etc.

See, I left out quite a bit during our little romp, including talking about going to an adult bookstore (which SHE suggested!) to have sex (since she didn't want to be seen as a "Ho'" to her roomie), but she was barefoot, so I nixed that idea.  Or, talking VERY dirty to her in the middle of fingering her ass during an intense orgasm which included, wondering if she wanted another cock to play with (which she was VERY open to), or my doing a "break in" one night.  Nor did I mention her walking out of the house nude, except for my trench coat and going to a nearby grocery store because she neede cream.
Yes, make your own jokes.
According to her now, she can barely recall getting in my car, but has vague memories of being VERY turned on by the experience.
I confirmed this by our makout session in the car afterwards that I reminded her about.  Her face turned VERY red at that point.


To reassure her, I told her that I would go at her pace on whatever she wanted to do WHEN she wanted to do it.  She would dictate what/who would be in bed with us.

Did I mention I could be VERY pursuasive? No?  I can be.

We also talked about communications, or lack of it.
I gave some examples of what I expected.   Don't need an immediate response to every text, but merely an acknowledgement of it...eventually.
She mentioned that since she's with her kids, things can be crazy.  I assured her that I knew how kids can teleport if you don't pay attention to them.
"Yeah, three of them are great about that, but the three older ones are generally good about keeping an eye on them when I have all of them."
I stopped mid-chew.
"I thought you had five?"
"No. Six."
"Where'd I get five?"
"Don't know, because I woudn't say five."
Okay. She has six kids.  Did I mention she looks AWESOME for the number of kids she has had? No.  Tkae my word for it.
"See? That's a good example!"
"I see your point."

We discussed quite a few things, and again, we resolved some other issues, our waitress got an earful of good gossip.

We both got up and left hand in hand towards her car, stealing kisses all along the way.  She didn't want to leave, nor did I WANT her to leave, so we sat there trading little kisses, bites to the neck, making suggestive remarks, and playing with her VERY satiny and elastic pants like she wore several weeks ago. The suggestion of  our going to my car to recreate things almost left my lips, but she had a long day ahead of her and she needed her sleep.
Leaving seconds behind her and kept her in my view until she took her exit and I continued on.

I was missing her already, but was more optimistic in our dating potential and there is always sunday. :)