Out of the blue...

I will get back to my past adventures with FF a bit later:

Currently, I'm under siege a bit.

Andi and I have been talking a bit more than usual.  She's asking quite a bit about FF and my life. She seems to be coming around that, as long as I'm seeing FF, there is nothing there for her.

Stella, on the other hand, has no clue and sent me the following text last week:

"My RIV, please call or Txt.  I'm planning on being in town for my bday and would like to see you.  Will be staying with friends."

I ignore the text for several days and then I get the following:

"I wish you would talk to me."

Once again, I ignore it.

2 hours later, I get a phone call:

"Hey."  It was her! Fuck!
"Hey." 
We went on to talk about things in general and finally I had to tell her that it was over between us.
Too much time passed and I told her about FF.
Never one to miss an opportunity, she says that it's okay, but wanted to see me to just talk, but if I wanted to bring her along I could.

OH NO!  Bad idea!
After a few more minutes, I was noncommittal and we hung up and my heart started to return back to normal.

I'm wondering if perhaps meeting her for a last time to show her I'm not interested.

Nah, I'd think I'd wind up fucking her.
God she was good!

Updates with Teaser

I have had quite a bit of personal drama and work which made it close to impossible to be able get another date with Teaser, but since then we have been talking more and talked about our potential.
Yesterday she dropped a bit of a bomb.
"I'm thinking about moving to St. Louis."
"Really?"
"Yes. My two oldest are gone, and it's just my little one (11y.o.) with me.  I have nothing keeping me in Texas and my family is in St. Louis."

I was a bit taken aback by the whole situation.


This totally changes things between us.   I can't "Date" someone LTR with someone who MIGHT move out of town.   We were unable to finish the conversation, but later on we decided that we would meet at a 24hr joint about midnight.
We promised some smooching action, but I think she's rather open to different possibilities of our relationship, but this talk needs to air things out before we can go forward.

Good byes and hello's?

Having a particularly rough day, I couldn't resist but to send KM a simple text.

"For what it's worth, Happy Mother's day."

My intent was that, I wished to continue our conversation and try to be less harsh to her and see where she wants this go to.

"Nice. You're an idiot."

Okay.  That doesn't say much, so I simply responded:

"That isn't exactly a secret, Y'know."

Nothing since.
For whatever its worth, I think I blew it, but I don't think it was much of a loss.

While just sitting watching TV for another hour or so, my phone buzzed.

Andi.
We talked for a bit, she wanted to know how I was, so I relayed some of the recent (Vanilla) drama in my life and mentioned my previous "Conversation" with KM in the vaguest of terms.
She mentioned she recently had a falling out with a guy she was "seeing" for a bit as well. 
We really didn't cover any new ground, except that she said she'd try harder and, once again, apologized for being such a wishy-washy person.

We hung up on better terms than we did last time, but I'm still apprehensive as to what she has in mind.

I guess its time to put up another ad.

THE Talk

Showing up at the IHOP, RIGHT at 6:30.
KM is no where in sight.
Great.

At 7pm, I see her walking in, give me a kiss, and sit down.
We start with idle chit chat and talking about the usual stuff.
"So, what IS the talk?" I want to cut to the chase.
"Well..." she started....
Just like I had mentioned in another post, she didn't have time, but as I have put together this past weekend, she had no real desire to be with me. She enjoyed my company, but didn't feel the need to share what little free time she had with me, but she wanted to remain friends.
She stopped after 10 minutes and looked at me.

"Yes?" I asked.
"Are you okay with this?"
"I suspected it for quite some time. the question is, what are 'Friends?' I can't send you any smooching texts, naughty texts, we can't smooch, I can't hold you while we watch movies.
In other words, what is there left?"
She had no answer.
"I didn't expect you to be this calm about it. I was hoping you'd walk away, this would have been much easier on the both of us."
"The easy way out is for cowards. The Ball is in your court."

We talked about it back and forth for a bit, our waitresses knew something was up. They were there since the beginning of our dinners and have grown rather comfortable with us.
"Do you guys need anything else?" The youngest asked as she brought my dinner.
"No."
"Are you guys okay?"
"No. We're breaking up." I casually said as I cut into my steak.
"That sucks man. You two are my favorite!" and she walked off.
We both smiled at her response.
"Yeah, it sucks," I repeated.
We continued talking and pretty much told her to not to worry about me and that I'll be perfectly fine.
"Well, you're going to have to tell me what the parameters I need to follow with being friends with you. You contact me when you're ready."
She was still at a loss as to what else to say.
"Well, I need to....well...want to leave." she was on the verge of breaking down. no one could possibly tell, but I read her facial expressions.
"I assume you don't want me to walk you to your car."
Her lip quivering as she gave a quiet "no."
"Then goodbye."
With that, she quickly grabbed her purse and walked out as fast as she could.
The waitresses came by offering me an ice cream cone, but I refused.
I sat there for a bit, sucking down the last of my drink.
It was a full 5 minutes before I saw her car left the lot.
She must have been crying.
Leaving the money on the table and heading towards the door, a voice came up behind me.
"Does that mean you're not coming back again?"
"Unless she is with me, I have no reason to. Goodluck, kids."
With that, I walked off not looking back

So Long Andi...

It's amazing how much of my life is ruled by email or texting.

While running around at work one night last week I get a text msg.

Andi: "Hi. Sorry I haven't called. Been busy."
Me: "so have I."
Andi: "Just wanted to let you know that I miss talking to you, I've been very busy."
Me: "I know. Been thinking about what we discussed last time?"
Andi: "Yes. I want you back in my life, my family asks about you from time to time."
Me:"Well, give my regards."
Andi:"Sorry I didn't call the other night when you said you were available, but I had fallen asleep."
To be fair, the conversation happened at 3 in the morning.
Me:"I figured.  But time has passed."
Silence for 10 minutes.
Andi:"I have to go. My number is __________  Call me?"
Me:"No. You call me. I'm done calling to find you're too busy."

That was the last I heard from her 4 days ago.  It was another tough goodbye.

These are getting to be tiresome.

What? What? NO!

MINUTES after I posted my last entry, while I am reaching for my fourth glass of wine, the phone buzzes and scared the shit out of me.
KM's picture is grinning at me as the phone cheerfully announces that she is on the other side.
Taking a deep breath, I muster total calm.  Complete calm.  Inhale.
Breathe.

"Hi, Sweetie!"
"Are you mad at me?"  Did my tone give it away?
"Well, I AM a bit peeved." Fuck it. Gotta be honest.
"Why?" WHY?  She asks WHY??
"Because you left me hanging, I didn't know what was going on." Again. Be honest.
Okay, everything is on the table.
Let's roll the dice.
"Well, I was busy with the kids and..." She continued for several minutes...Until I finally had to interrupt.
"Look, I understand SIX kids can be a handful. I get it, I just wished you could have simply told me what was going on."
"I know. I suck.  I'm really bad about that."
"That's all I ask.  Keep me informed."
"I know, I suck at that."  If she knows that, why can't she correct it?
"So, where at you at now?"
"Home."
"Oh, I guess you wouldn't want to hang out with me, being irritated and all."
"No. Not irritated. Peeved.  Difference."
"Oh?"  C'mon!  I don't wanna' parse words!
"Yes. Peeved."
"Well, if you're peeved at me, you probably wouldn't want to be with me tonight."
What?  What? No! I'll be with you tonight!  Really!
"Whatever you wish to do, doll.  I am at your service."
"Well, let me take care of things here and I'll let you know."  FUCK! WOMAN! Make a decision!!, "Besides, I'm not showered, I've been up all day..." 
My hopes for tonight are being squashed by a ton of excuses.
"You DO know they have showers in hotels, if that is what you want to do."  Okay. that came out snarky, but, whatever.
"I know, I...well, I don't know what to do tonight." You want to be with me!  I'll hold your hand! I'll massage your feet!  I just want to spend time with you!
"Well, whatever you feel comfortable with, I'm okay." Total lie.  I'll sulk like a kid if I don't see her.
"Okay, well, I'll call you back."


ARGH!
Oh good lord!
As I'm opening up my 2nd bottle, I hear my phone buzz and I'm immediately tempted to throw it down the garbage disposal.
I read the text message and I almost lose it:

"Let's skip tonight. I am really not good company."

My reaction is a bit more childish I've thought I'd be.  I throw every pillow and cushion within reach.
After a couple of minutes, I sit on my now, VERY uncomfortable couch with my cat begging to be scratched.

So much for having a little Pussy and now I'm incredibly drunk.

The Blow Up.

Coming back to my house from some much needed pissed off sex, I threw down the rest of my clothes, get undressed and start typing away while it's still fresh.
Its not the kind of sex I usually take in, but apparently it was something we both needed, and to be honest, it was an improvement from our first meeting and satisfying.
After typing everything up, I was about to hit "publish" when the mystery ID came up.
With great trepidation I forced my fingers to act:

"Who are you?"
"Andi, Silly." Oh shit!
"Hi."  Thrilled. can't you tell I'm thrilled? Look! I'm thrilled!
"Merry Christmas" she cheerfully typed.
"Yeah. Merry Christmas." was all I could manage.
"Let me call you in a few, I'm just leaving a bar."
"Okay. whatever."
I published my blog entry before I could get distracted. I had a feeling this was going to be hairy.
The phone rang and I looked at it like it was a snake.
we talked fora few minutes.
Or rather,she talked.   About her life.Her school, her new boyfriend.
Just like old times.  Never could get a word in edgewise.
She eventually got around to asking about me and my life.
I don't know what triggered it, but my first words were:
"How can you talk to me so nonchalantly after you crushed me?"
Dead silence.
"Do you realize how pissed off at you I was?"
Silence.
"Was it perhaps that I never attempted to call you after our last date gave you a clue?"
"I-I...I know.   I'm sorry.  I feel terrible about it.  It was a bad decision."
"NO!  It's BEYOND poor decision."
I tore at her for a good hour.
Every time she tried to make an excuse, I tore into her again.
A year of frustration came in torrents.
"I don't know what to say but 'Sorry!'"
"Well, nice to know our time together meant nothing."
She was on the verge of tears.
"When I arrived on the plane, I was ready to commit myself to for life.  2 hours later it was crushed."
"I regretted that.  I've played it over in my mind quite a bit."
"Nice of you to call up and tell me about that regret after you were thinking about it."
Silence.
"You can either salvage or throw it away.  Call me on which you decide.  I don't have your number.  I'm deleting your ID, I got nothing from you. it's in your court."
What the hell did I just say???
What? What did I just say??
Aw Fuck!
"okay...I do regret it."
"Well, call when you mean it."
*CLICK!*

Yay. Merry Christmas.

KS is no more, KM continues, and another old flame....

Well, I haven't heard from KS since the night of the party.  I did some initial texting, but I just gave up.  If you can't even answer a simple text, there is no point in pursuing it anymore.. Seems like I'm too "Skeezy" for her after all.
Pity.  We could have had quite a bit of fun together.

KM has been texting me a bit more and has been apologetic and grateful that I'm "waiting" for her while she puts her priority on her work to get re-established in her career. 
Don't really think I'm "waiting" for her, but I'm keeping my options open until she has "time" to date.  I know we both have insane schedules, but I wouldn't mind seeing her once a week or so and have a dinner and movie date.
I'll be there for her once she has time to date if I'm still available, but I'm not waiting.  In the meantime, I'm wishing her luck in her goals, particularly if I'm one of them.

Meanwhile earlier a couple of weeks ago, I reach over to my phone and realize I got a text from a girl ("Andi") whom I really liked, but in the midst of a date, she decided she only liked me as a "friend."   Considering she was in another city, I cut of all ties.  There wasn't any point in my spending tons of time on a person who is only going to be a "friend" when I want so much more.   So after I boarded the plane, I didn't text, didn't call. Nothing.
I worked hard for this "relationship" and if she was serious, she needed to contact me.
Nothing in almost a full year.
After a few minutes, I received a call and she wanted to know if I came through the hurricane alright.  I appreciated that I was still in her thought and I was cordial, but it took all my emotional strength to keep from asking "Why didn't you call?  Did I mean so little to you?  From 4 hour phone calls to NOTHING in a day?!?"
I wanted to ask so may questions, but the distance and time past was too great.
Once again, my heart was breaking the longer I talked to her.
Eventually she stopped answering my calls and texts.
Fuck you.
I was close to falling in love and looked forward to a life together.
We were compatible in almost every way.
No.  Fuck you!

Once again, I deleted her number from my phone log, text messages, and any evidence in my life of her.

Last Wednesday, I got a approval request on one of my IM's and accepted it assuming it was someone I was expecting.
Suddenly a few days later I realize that perhaps it MIGHT be her. the profile gave me no information and to my horror I saw it sign in.  But the name was just enough that it gave clues that it was her.
FUCK!
Why can't they just LEAVE??