Caught! Enter The Teaser

Having put up a ad on CL a couple of weeks ago, I waited for the responses to trickle in and it didn't take long.

After the intial group was fine, but it wasn't for me and eventually dropped the conversations.

One of my favorites was a woman whose responses were three or four words typed from her blackberry.

After I'd asked her what she was up to for the weekend, her response:

"Probably spend it with kiddos."

Okay.
Being the kind of guy who wants to engage in a conversation, I responded; "Oh? Cool? What are the ages? I'm thinking about heading to a movie and...blah..blah..blah"

Response was simply their ages and it sounded like fun. (!)
I went on and discussed general stuff and the response was always two or three words.
After about a day, I was wondering if she was trying to blow me off, "Are you a woman of few words, or is it just a pain to type on a blackberry?"

"Not short of words just while driving."
"You know, you could always just type when you have time and then hit send."

She laughed, but the pattern continued.
I finally got sick of it after a few more hours and blew her off.

Just because there is an email in your crackberry doesn't mean you have to send a short letter instantly!  I mean, really, when dealing with someone you're pursuing a relationship with, we can handle a little delay between emails if there is a bit of substance to it.

Another of the candidates I have been emailing seemed to get along quite well.  We seemed to have the same general interests and I was fairly optimistic.

During a lull in my day, I started reading an email from her and while the initial tone gave me caution,  she had stumbled across something incriminating.  While I suspected she MIGHT have come across the blog, I wasn't going to confirm or deny anything until I knew WHAT she found.  She strongly hinted that perhaps it was better to just call the whole thing off.
I feigned innocence and asked what she found?  I was fairly certain she didn't find the blog, but probably got me confused with some OTHER idiot.
The next letter contained two links two both of my blogs.   While I was in a store at the time, it was all I could do to giving a visible reaction.   In my mind, I ran around screaming like a little girl and wondering what to do.

Outside, I was the calm cool demeanor that I try to exude....but for a bit there, I thought I wet myself a little bit.

She went on to explain that her ex husband and her both into "The Lifestyle" and didn't think she could go down that road.  After I explained that I was sincere that I am open to changing my ways, she was more than a bit skeptical.
Not that I blame her in the least, but I believe we can.

She continued reading portions of both of my blogs and seems to be coming around.   I have no idea why, but she seems to.  So this should be interesting.

HI HON!

THIS is marital bliss?

This past weekend I got a weekend with IF and his wife to a "cook out", the invitation read like this on my phone:


"BBQ this Sunday. 4pm. Be there."

Fine.  I'm all for that. They usually have a good spread and they know I'm good for a bit of mooching (single men are easily bribed/lured with free food, ladies.  I'm just sayin'). 
When I finally get there, the table is literally groaning from the weight of all the food that was cooked and/or brought in. (I was supposed to bring a dish? Ooops!)
The cast of characters that showed up could basically be described like the cast of "Seinfeld" on a "Friend's" set with writers from "Will and Grace."
It's really a screwed up cast:
IF: Idiot friend.  We attend baseball games and strip clubs together.  That's it.  He's so hetero it's not even funny, he goes out of the way to prove it.  Yet he married a fag hag.  Go fig.

IFW:  The bullet I dodged.  Like a combination of Don Rickles, Kathy Griffin, Chelsea Lately, and a Pissed off Grace (of Will and Grace fame).  She told me credits her dropping a good sized percentage of her weight on the South Beach Diet.  
When she noted the blank look on my face, she elaborated; "Yeah, went to South Beach* almost every night and lived on vodka, vicadin, and a little cocaine.

The OTHER boyfriend:  IF goes out with him to other events that AREN'T Baseball (or topless bar) related. Cheater.  They even went to a GEORGE MICHEAL CONCERT together!  (IFW's comment when he went: "Don't come back any gayer!")

Gay Slacker dude:  Has THREE degrees.  THREE!  By age 24.   What does he do?
Anyone?  Anyone?  A WAITER!  A WAITER!  Awesome guy, though. 


San Fran Gay:  Don't really know much about him aside from the fact that he's a nice guy.


Lenny:  Known him since I first met IFW.  Don't know what he does, don't even know his real name.  He's a borderline militant gay.  He doesn't want to work hard at it because he doesn't like to sweat.  Really.

Unknown Straight girl:   Never met her before, but I think they were trying to hook me up.  No.  Ain't happening. 


After greeting the kids, hugging the IFW, and greetings overall, I turn into the kitchen and spot a little banner on the wall "Happy Birthday!"
Fuck. 
As usual I show up empty handed to one of their wingdings.
With little shame, I scoop up some of the yummies off the table and meander my way to the birthday girl.
"Did you ever think you'd make it to 40?"
"There wasn't a doubt in my mind, I just thought I'd be single and have more cats."
Ever charming. 
I asked why they didn't give me a heads up as far her b/day or this was a bit of a potluck dinner and she basically knew that I've been having a rough couple of months and have been working like crazy to save up some money for an objective that I have as well as to distract myself overall.

As I go around talking to the rest of the guests, turns out they were all originally invited to the Superbowl Party.
This party showed promise of a great deal of fun with a ton of one liners going flying:


After one of the boys lures the other (both about 4) into the dog pen:
Friend; "hey connie! Your boy is practing to be a gimp!"
"He can fetch beers and knows the difference between the cans." 


To mom holding infant:
"Baby just puked. Need a napkin?", as I instinctly reached for a wetnap that always seems to be in homes of infants and toddlers.

As she lowers baby to floor: "nah, the dog will take care of it."
Sure enough, he does, as I look on in disbelief as the Boxer takes care of the chore.

As the party was about to head out to the pool, I hesitated because of the heat and was hinting I was quite content (Of which a few others agreed) in staying in the air conditioned comfort of the room.  But the kids were insistent;


"C'mon, let's take the kids to the pool,"
"What?  Why not just let them go by themselves?"
"I know! I want to stay in and drink, but I gotta stay with the little bastards.  Its always about them!"


Later on during the party after we've done some drinking and the Birthday girl not wanting to get up for another drink:
"Fisher price needs to come up with a bar set, so he can learn how to mix drinks when we chill out at home."

There were other great one liners that I just couldn't remember, but the happy couple were playfully sniping each other constantly.
When I remarked to the birthday girl that she seemed very happy her response was typical her:
"I am very happy. I have two great sons, a nice home, the only thing spoiling it is that I wished the daddy was a bit smarter than the kids."



After relenting and eventually going out to join them in the pool, I sweated a bit more and decided it was time to go home.
I hugged BDgirl, shook hands, hugged, and waved to people.

Looking back, I can't say I wasn't just a bit jealous, but seriously wondered if this was idylic in a marriage, or if I had my own weird views on a relationship.

Hopefully, I will find out soon. 




*A local Gay Club called, "South Beach." Awesome dance music, btw. You should go.

Reading List

These are my current and past reading lists.  The reason I'm making this list is that I hear great books I want to read but I forget to buy them.  I hope to correct this with buying a kindle in the NOT too distant future.  This will give you a slight taste of what I'm like and how my mind might work.
I may be functionally illiterate, but I do like to read when I can.
Feel free to comment or make recommendations in either comments or in email.  Yes, there is a brain behind the penis, but like your typical male, one is slightly bigger than the either.


As of 7/10/09

Currently reading:

"Wired for Warfare" by P.W. Singer


In queue: 

"Future Jihad" by Walid Phares
Supercapitalism by Robert B. Reich
"The Big Switch" By Nicholas Carr
"American On Purpose" by Craig Ferguson

Previous:
"Monster of Florence" by Douglas Preston
"Unwind" by Neal Shusterman
"The Adventure of English" by Melvyn Bragg
"Malcolm X" by Alex Haley
"An Inconvenient Book" by Glenn Beck
The Early books written by "David Eddings"
"Sole Survivor" by Marcus Luttrell

When a cat doesn't cut it.

Several weeks ago, I was taken down for a few days by a nasty little flu.
Swine flu or not, I was miserable and never felt so bad in my life.   It struck so quickly that I didn't budge from the couch where I was at for three days and was only awake for a about 10 hours of them (I think) and this is my VERY hazy realization of how a girlfriend would have been handy and some of the REALLY whacked out dreams I had.

Late on Wednesday night, early Thursday morning, I wasn't feeling very well, and I felt the couch was quite comfortable and decided it was a good place for a nap.
Several hours later, I was freezing with a high fever.
Lovely.
Having the sudden urge to go to the bathroom, my head started spinning and a sneezing fit followed and laid back down
Kitty was sitting on the floor wondering why I hadn't fed her.
"You have bowl full of food. No fancy feast for you today."
Her response was the usual silent staring, so I ignored her and rolled over and promptly went back to sleep.
Some time later, I awoke with her on my chest, staring at me, and meowing loudly.

"I'm dying. Leave me alone."
Once again, the urge to to go the bathroom is there and I slowly get up.  I'm dizzy, my stomach is doing flipflops, my throat felt like it was sandblasted, and incredibly thirsty.

As I'm walking like a zombie with a hangover to the bathroom, the cat is meowing at me and runs into the bathroom.for some water (don't ask).
Looking at the food bowl, it was half full.  The "Fancy Feast" bowl was empty.
Whatever. she can live on purina one for now.
Going back to the couch, I collapse and start groaning and generally whine about my condition wishing for the sweet embrace of death.
While the cat and I are staring at each other, I ask her to go get me some nyquil that I forgot in the bathroom.
"Get me the Fancy feast, and I'll consider it."
"Bitch."
"Back atcha!"
I fade out and once again, the pressure on my chest woke me up.
Well that and her claws which are now applying substantial pressure to my bare chest.
"I'm hungry.  I need food," She said.  For emphasis she stuck her claws a bit deeper into my chest.
Fuck. I should have had her declawed years ago.
"No. Do me a favor and slit my throat with those things."
"Why?  You're warm and I'm comfy.  I just need food."
"You have food, dammit."  I fail in my attempt to dislodge her.  Felt like she weighed a ton.
"It's dry food. I want wet food."
"I'm dying. leave me alone."
"You know, if you had a girlfriend, she could take care of you." she said with some genuine concern in her meows.
"You mean, 'feed you'", I countered.
"Well, there is that," she admitted, "but more to the fact so I wouldn't have to listen to you whine."
"I don't whine!"
"You haven't had to sit here and listen to yourself."
I nod off and woke up sometime at 10pm on friday.
Once again, I make my trip to the bathroom as she rounds the corner from the bedroom and proceeds to meow at me in a nagging way.
"What do you want now?"
"I want food."
Looking over at her bowl, there is substantially less food than there was earlier.
"You shouldn't be hungry.  Your bowl still has quite a bit left."
"But I had to eat that garbage since you passed out."
"I'm sorry, I don't feed you garbage."
"That's a matter of opinion. Also, you need to clean out the box."
"I'll clean it later, but I'll refill your bowl a bit," I said, offering a compromise.
"Fancy feast?", she perked up as I entered the kitchen.
"No, Purina one."
"Damn," with very obvious disappointment, "You still need to clean out my box."
"I'll do it after I recover, you can wait a day or two."
"Can I?  Really?"
I never heard a cat sounding ominous before.
"Yeah, I'm sure."
Making my way back to the couch, I pass out once again.

The Coma was interrupted by a phone call early the next morning;
It was my Idiot friend
"You okay? Haven't heard from you. You sound like hell."
I murmur something that I don't remember.  But I'm sure the word "death" was included in the sentence.
"Need me to bring you something?  We are passing by you in a few hours.", I can hear his wife in the background already packing up medication.
"NO!  Don't want you to catch this crap."  Which is true, they have two small children, including an infant. 
Hearing the phone wrestling away from him, the wife's voice comes on;
"Hey, we can leave it on your doorstep if you want.   Where's your girlfriend?"
"Long story, she isn't in the picture."
"Sorry to hear that.  Life would be easier right now if you had one around."
"Thanks. The cat mentioned that too."
"What?  Are you smoking as well?  I didn't think you touched the stuff."
"Long story. Go take care of the kids, and slap your husband for me."
"Okay.  Hope you feel better. BYE!"
Me and IF talk for a minute more before I tell them I need to go die for awhile and pass out once again.
After being awakened by some annoying meowing, I start heading towards the bathroom and spot kitty waiting for me.
Sitting on the edge of the bathtub, she had that smug look that I am always suspicious of, so I peered into the tub.
Kitty poo.
"I told you there would be consequences."
"Fuck off, cat," as I reached to clean up the mess.
"There is more of that later if you want," she said in that menacing little voice of hers.
"No more snacks for you," I told her.
"Feh.  You haven't given me snacks in weeks.  It's an empty threat."
Yes it was.  Damn.
I stomp back towards the couch, my fever at an all time high.
"You DESERVE the swine flu!"
Thinking back at the symptoms from the news, I was in the clear, but I need to make sure, so I power up the laptop and look it up:
Fever. Check. cough. Check. Sore throat. Yep. Runny nose. Check. Headache. Massive. Muscle soreness. Definitely.
" ...about 38% of patients had vomiting or diarrhea." Nope. Totally in the clear.
I power down and start watching what was recorded on my TiVo, get more water, get some leftover pizza, and settle down.  I hadn't eaten in almost 2 days, and was starving.
Kitty teleported to my side.
"Food", was her only statement.
"Go to hell. Let me suffer in peace" and I push her off the couch.
She huffs away.
I'm after a couple of semi dazed hours of TV viewing, I'm in a catatonic (no pun intended) state, staring blankly at my "Playlist".
That's when I realized the other two symptoms showed their ugly heads.
Kitty was there to egg me on.
"You know, if you had a girlfriend, she'd help you with this."
The words "shut up" almost came out of my mouth, but it was rather busy at the time.

"You know, she would have made sure I was fed, changed my litter box, gave me fresh water, and-"
"HELLO! I'm the one that's SICK! I haven't really eaten, drank, or even bathed in three days!"

"You didn't have to point out the last one, that is obvious," she said with more than a little disgust in her tone.
Again, I decided it was best to pass out and ignore my cat.
She does have a point, though.

By the beginning of the fourth day, I was actually able to hold down food and take hour long HOT showers.  It felt great to be (relatively) Human again. 
The recollections of those conversations was just plain surreal, but as I retold the story to friends, and their knowing my cat; they found the whole thing quite believable.

Particularly that I need a girlfriend.

Good byes and hello's?

Having a particularly rough day, I couldn't resist but to send KM a simple text.

"For what it's worth, Happy Mother's day."

My intent was that, I wished to continue our conversation and try to be less harsh to her and see where she wants this go to.

"Nice. You're an idiot."

Okay.  That doesn't say much, so I simply responded:

"That isn't exactly a secret, Y'know."

Nothing since.
For whatever its worth, I think I blew it, but I don't think it was much of a loss.

While just sitting watching TV for another hour or so, my phone buzzed.

Andi.
We talked for a bit, she wanted to know how I was, so I relayed some of the recent (Vanilla) drama in my life and mentioned my previous "Conversation" with KM in the vaguest of terms.
She mentioned she recently had a falling out with a guy she was "seeing" for a bit as well. 
We really didn't cover any new ground, except that she said she'd try harder and, once again, apologized for being such a wishy-washy person.

We hung up on better terms than we did last time, but I'm still apprehensive as to what she has in mind.

I guess its time to put up another ad.

Returning with ghosts...

I was out and about working and doing the idiot things that I do, when my phone buzzed, I looked down and this is basically a Text conversation that covered TWELVE hours:

Hey Guy-you doing okay? --KM

AW SHIT! I pondered for several minutes as to what to do. SOOOOO...I did the only thing my simple male mind could think of:

Me: how are you? Doing fine, actually.

KM: Good

KM: How's your love life?

Me: Nonexistent, really. Had a few nibbles but nothing appealing.

KM: :-(

Me: Found someone you're attached to? I was missing you.

STUPID! STUPID! Why did I say that?? probably because it's true.

KM: Well, lots of soul searching. Robert comes home Thursday for three weeks. I am trying to get to where I don't need to see him. Honestly, I have thought of you almost every day. I wasn't being fair having someone else in my heart. That is not the type of relationship I want.

Me: I figured that was the issue, for the most part.

KM: Yep.

We talked a bit more about some of her relationships deal with the other guy, and I got a bit peeved and was wondering WHY she was texting:

Me: So, the reasoning of this texting is for you to reaffirm that?

KM: Must you be so hard? I was opening the line of communication.

Me: Sorry if it came out that way. I really liked you, but you put up a number of reasons why we can't be together, and while I would love to date you again, I have to be cynical. Particularly since you said we could still be friends after THE TALK.

KM: You know what? You didn't try to contact me, either so don't give me that bullshit. I should have known better.

Me: Actually, you said you'd let me know after you left. I am not going to harass a girl who wants space. You know that's how I am. I drive by your place all the time and refrain from putting a I miss you note on your car window, so you don't feel like you have STALKER. On your hands.

KM: That would have been very sweet.  <What? REALLY??>

Me: What you might consider sweet, another would see as. A stalker. See my point. I do miss you though.

KM: I would never put you in the stalker category.

Me: And how am I supposed to know that? You want space, I give it to you. We men are stupid with signals, remember? You have to hit us over the head.

KM: I still don't know what I want or need. I work entirely too much to think about myself. I do know that I miss you. That has to count for something, right?

Me: Yes it does, I am open to quite a few things in life, but I can't compete with a ghost.

Which is true. Until she can get the other guy out of her head, there is no point of even really having this discussion and it irritated me. The entire conversation was starting to get on my nerves.

KM: I'm sorry to have bothered you.

Me: You're not bothering me, I just like to know where I stand with you. You say you want to open a line, but I don't understand to what end. I would love for you to come back to me, though.

Once again, I realize some of the stupid shit I'm saying. Do I really want her back?

KM: Would you?

Me: Yes, but you had issues about me though.

KM: Yes, but you said you could adjust

.

The question, could I? Would I be willing to give up my hobby?

KM: So.....I am at Work. Would love for you to come give me a hug.

Me: I'm sweaty at the moment.

Truth is, I didn't want to cave in and drive there. I wanted to be logical about the whole thing.

KM: I really miss you.

Me: I miss you too, and I think about our smooching sessions.

KM: Same here. I just don't know where to go from here. It still scares me.

Me: What? The smooching scares you?

KM: No. I was falling for you.

Me: I was digging you too...but again, there has to be quite a bit to talk about. Remember, there were some issues with me that you didn't seem very fond of.

KM: I know. But you seemed to want to work with me.

Me: I do, but we need extended time together.

KM: I can give you that. Well, if you are willing to date a workaholic.

Me: Duh! Ms. Pot? I'm Mr. Black. Pleasure to meet you.

KM: I know.

Me: Calling it a night.

KM: Continue this later?

Me: Sure, if you want.

KM: Goodnight.

That was this past Sunday. We continued to talk a bit later, after we both couldn't sleep and touched upon something that was not resolved earlier in the day.

I asked her about Robert, and finally said, unless she wants us in a threesome, she needs to resolve this.

While I meant to say it in a joking way, she never responded back.

STUPID, STUPID, STUPID ME!

Looking at my phone, I saw the subject matter of the latest email:

Lauren wants to connect to you on Yahoo!

WTF?
I reread the title several times.
In fact, I may have done it at least 10 times before I finally opened the email.

It was a typical "Let's connect on Yahoo."
Sitting on the email for a few hours, I accepted the "Invitation" and waited, but being an impatient person, I decided to send her a message:

Hey there,
How're you doing?  Is everything okay with you?
Was a bit surprised about the invitation.

I mean, even though she broke off our dating suddenly, I wished her no malice.

Several hours later, while nodding off at an awards dinner my phone was buzzing.
Praying it was an alien polite enough to abduct me from my current circle of hell, or perhaps even the Grim Reaper offering to take me out of my suffering; instead I receive the following:

I'm good, how are you?
What invitation?

Aw shit!  I had forwarded the original "invitation" while before taking another stab at what is supposed to be chicken on my plate.
I explain the situation to Starfish, when she came up a plausible story:


Could it be that she just signed up for yahoo and it automatically sent out the "invitation."



It has been a number of years since I signed up, so I couldn't come up with an alternative theory. Now, I'm dealing with a door I accidently opened that should have remained closed.

STUPID!  I should have just ignored it!

Additionally:  I haven't had any takers on my latest ad and no new takers, which is just as well.  Being busy with the party and all, plus some other drama in my life and job, I just don't have time for any real dating for the next couple of weeks at least.


I think I need to take another couple of weeks off and go on a bender for a bit.